Not sure where to post this, but just feel so desperate for advice. Almost every part of my life is a mess - literally, and I feel I’m going under. Totally overwhelmed and not sure where to start.
- biggest issue is the ongoing emotional abuse from ex partner, father of DC (6). We weren’t married, had been together 10 years but everything was in his name. I’m living in one of his houses and he’s using it to control me. I’ve paid for legal advice but was confused by it - he’s a high earner so I could be entitled to a house until DC is 18 plus maybe more but it sounds like a huge gamble taking him to court. I have some savings and it could wipe those out and he’s so angry and out to punish me, he’d likely go for 50/50. I am scared basically, so agreed to move with DC to a horribly depressing town out of London into one of his houses. I can’t work properly here and do childcare (he has DC on weekends). He denies abuse and blames me, but has said things like to go kill myself, he will make me homeless, etc, let’s himself into “his” house unannounced, calls me all the names under the sun - but I honestly don’t provoke him in anyway, other than being calm and rational. He hates that I gentle parent our DC whereas he is explosive, then blames me for DC behaviour brought on by him. He’s an old-fashioned misogynist (which I naively didn’t realise until it was too late)
- Work. When I had DC I stupidly gave up work. Ex P soon became abusive, I moved out of London and now can’t do my job from here (and it doesn’t exist now in any case). And because I have some savings, it seems like I qualify for zero benefits. I do some freelancing when I can get it. So I’m in a really precarious financial situation. Ex P pays me a monthly sum that I just about get by on but I’m using my savings to top up. I have little to no pension.
- Am not from this county so have zero family support. Ex P’s parents were OK but now that’s awkward as I ended up telling them what their son is like out of fear and desperation one day (he wouldn’t let me in our house to use “his bathroom”). I have some friends but feel I can’t burden them with the reality of my situation. Most people can’t believe there’s no such thing as common law wife etc
- My energy and mood is so low. Could be age related (40s) but I’m really traumatised by how he’s treated and is treating me. My poor DC often doesn’t want to spend time with him and that breaks me. I use all my energy on making life as good as possible for DC, being jolly and having fun. Our relationship is amazing, I love every second of being a mum. But it’s like I have no energy left when DC isn’t around. House is a complete state and I don’t know where to begin to help myself.
This has been going on for a few years. He promises all sort of things, like buying me a flat but it never materialises and there’s the pattern of abuse. He’s threatened to pull out the “big guns” if I take him to court or report his coercive behaviour. He likes keeping me down and me having no life.
I feel nervous writing this as I probably have missed out huge important chunks of info, and also realise it reads like I can’t help myself and need to snap out of it and get onto changing things. I really wish I could do that! I’m so depressed in this town and pine for a better life but feel I’m sinking into quicksand. Have tried anti depressants to no avail and also HRT which made things worse even with a few different tries. Think it’s my situation and my personality keeping me feeling stuck.
If anyone had any advice on where to start, or could offer any hope, I’d be so grateful.
Sorry that’s so long! Basically:
Cant escape abuse from ex, feel totally stuck and it’s dragged on for years. Can’t see a way out. Have shutdown and need help but don’t know who or where from