Relationship advice :(

[Ebluar]

Hi ladies

just want a bit of advice

ive been with my partner for nearly 5 years and we are in a rocky patch…

I’ve come to realise I’m not happy with how things currently are. A few examples of why…
it was valentines yesterday and I made such a lovely effort (cheap but thoughtful gifts, I bought steak and cooked us dinner etc) and I didn’t get anything back. I don’t except to be showered in gifts but he knew I’d got him something and I was so disappointed when I’d gone to such an effort and there was nothing to make me feel loved or valued. He never seems to do loving gestures and he thinks it due to his childhood (divorce, seeing physical violence what has given him trauma). I totally appreciate this and I want to help him but what I’m struggling with I’ve offered to help him many times before and there’s never been action and he was a hopeless romantic at the start of the relationship. I have a big heart and I really want my partner who I love to reciprocate that.

another reason is making time for one another. He works full time hours and I work Monday - Saturday. Id love for on my day off for us to spend the day together. But it never happens as he plays football for 2 teams and one is on a Sunday. I’ve asked if he would be happy to no longer play on a Sunday just so we have some quality time together. Am I being wayyyy too unreasonable? I think he expects me to reduce my work to fit him in around football, but it’s my income! I’ll feel a big loss money wise.

there’s other things niggling at me like cancelling plans, not initiating date nights etc.

I know this post sounds like we’re simply not right for each other but I really really want to make this work. But on the flip side am i being a mug and settling for less than I deserve.

I feel so lost hence the post hope someone can help xxx

You have different relationship expectations. Neither of you are in the wrong or the right, you just want different things. Two choices- be vocal about what you want, compromise if needed and see if things change, or decide valentines gifts and more time together are more important than the way you feel. You're not a sleeping partner in this and need to do what is right for you

Men are generally clueless when it comes to Valentines unless they’ve been trained
I think it’s a red herring. The real question is his actions. He may not be one for gestures of displays of affection, but is supportive when you really need him?

A relationship can't work if only one person wants to try to make it work.

He is complacent. He thinks he's won you over and so your needs don't really matter anymore.

Now here's the thing - you could point blank tell him you're thinking of leaving him because get being a crap bf. That you want you two to work but HE needs to show you he still values you. Now and continually going forwards.

That will possibly jump start things.

But ultimately...he will likely evert back to not valuing you. Because you can't talk someone into valuing you.

What pinkbonbon said.

I think the childhood trauma is a red herring too. If he wanted to make even basic effort with you, he would. He did, at the beginning, so he is perfectly capable. The reality is that he doesn't make effort any more not because he can't, but because he doesn't want to. He doesn't make time to spend with you because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to give up football, although he does want you to give up one of your work days (which you would be mad to do).

You're the only one making any effort here.

I can absolutely see how his childhood could impact his behaviour today. That doesn't excuse him however. He's no longer a child, and as an adult he can own his problems and tackle them.

On the other hand, sometimes it can help to ask yourself what his love language is. How does he show you that he cares about you? He may not speak the same love language as you do, but that's okay if you can be complementary. Like for example, I'm the planner in my relationship. That's my strength and it comes in handy planning date nights. My husband however shows his love through invisible deeds. For example, in the 7 years we've been together, I've never had a flat tyre on my bicycle, which is my main method of transportation to and from work. I don't know how or when he does it, but he makes sure that's something I never have to worry about. Now I could moan and complain that he never plans a date, but that would seriously underappreciate the things he does do for me.

I'm not saying you need to stop asking for the things you need. If you absolutely need things from him to feel loved an appreciated and he isn't doing them, you can ask him to learn your language. But I find that men are much more receptible when you ask them to love you in a different way than when you claim they aren't showing you any love or affection at all. Because in their mind maybe they have. I don't know if that's the case with you or whether he's just not putting in any effort, but it's worth mentioning.

He never seems to do loving gestures and he thinks it due to his childhood

Sorry, hang on: his childhood stops him buying a bunch of roses and a card that says 'I love you', now he's an adult? And his childhood prevents him from booking a weekend away for 2? And his childhood prevents him from booking a table at a restaurant and buying you dinner?

How?

Don’t try to fix a broken man - it will never work

Take your energy out of him and his childhood and pour it into you and your childhood.
Why do you feel attracted and wants to stay with someone who gives you less than what you want?

@powerfullymoving

Take your energy out of him and his childhood and pour it into you and your childhood
Why do you feel attracted and wants to stay with someone who gives you less than what you want

Yes! What happened when you were a kid, OP, that made you feel that your feelings weren't worth prioritising? Usually it's to do with parents who had something else important to do other than pay attention to their children, like being ill, or addicted, or fighting with each other, or dealing with an ongoing difficult family situation. Any of those ring a bell?

Thank you ladies for your help. I guess it’s hard to admit but I am settling a lot at the minute. I absolutely will not be quitting my job, I’m very driven with my career and nobody will ever take that away!

I know everyone has different love languages; but I feel neglected overall currently. I suffer with endometriosis and this affects me daily and I do end up in hospital quite a bit with it. He’s never there to support me with this and riding an ambulance alone frequently kinda sucks.

it’s so hard I feel like I’m having to change who he is… maybe this just isn’t right. I’m worried to leave as we have done so much together at a young age - a lot of travelling, we have a house and a little dog. I think the truth is is scared to leave and I just feel unlovable. :(