My white-lie mother

[2024WasNotInFactMyYear]

My mother is a great mother, but every word that comes out of her mouth is a mistruth. No matter how trivial the issue is, she will always twist it. And I know it’s deliberate, because whenever I visit she will say one thing to me and then another to my father whilst I’m still in earshot!

It’s driving me batty. She’s highly intelligent, and her lies really do work in influencing the people around her. But I just cannot trust any of her advice. She always has some secret campaign or agenda to push.

It’s silly, but sometimes I’m genuinely gutted about it. She clearly doesn’t see me as someone worth having a genuine relationship with. It’s all lip-service and pawn-pushing.

Sounds hard. Have you told her how you feel?

She can't be a great mother and a compulsive liar at the same time. You're in denial there.

Goodness no, I can’t imagine how she’d react. I don’t think I can demand a sincere relationship with anyone can I?

That sounds really odd. Can you give us an example of what she would say to you and what she would say to your dad?

My mother is exactly like this. I'm in my 50's now and I can see that she is actually very manipulative. She says whatever she needs to get the outcome she wants!

She has dementia now and I am starting to see it for what it was and my world is crashing round me. She manipulated me and my sister ourwhole lives. She did the same with my father.

We do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth now.

I'm sorry for you. It sucks.

I had a friend like that at school. I think the 'making up stories' makes it more exciting than the plain old truth. Do you think that's the same with your mum? Spicing things up a bit? But 'friend' did some real damage with one of her stories. I think if you've got to the point where you can't trust anything she says, you need to speak to her. Quietly point it out and make her listen.

My mother, as well as similar white-lying, also constantly dishes out and swears by advice or 'help' that a normal person would make sure was verified before passing it on. (It's not a recent, age-related thing either).

Classic example was during a visit from her granddaughter during which she casually guaranteed there was a Disney store in our nearest town. Granddaughter gets excited. Everyone gets ready and sets off. No Disney store, disappointed and confused granddaughter.

She'll acknowledge she's wrong because she has no choice, but she'll never apologise.

I know a few people like this - super annoying. Just take everything they say with a pinch of salt, smile and nod.

Why not? You can certainly limit your participation in an insincere relationship, but you might have to explain why. Your mother sounds very narcissistic, hence the refusal to ever be wrong, the lying and manipulation. You don't have to accommodate it, but you might need techniques to withstand her reaction to you dealing with her in a more authentic way.

It’s an awful realisation isn’t it? I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar, it casts everything in a bit of a miserable light

Good advice on here, thank you all

Surely just google if it exists before you go? Especially if you know she makes stuff up.

Yeah, that also sounds much more like a mistake than a deliberate lie. It would be such a stupid thing to lie about.