Dilemma! Evidence of cheating - do I tell or not?

[SoundTheSirens]

Background: a couple of years ago, while working for a former employer, I introduced a close friend to a then-colleague. They hit it off, started dating and are now engaged, due to marry later this year. I’m still friendly with a couple of women who work there, so they still work with my friend’s fiancé, albeit not as closely as I did - it’s a big company and he changed departments a few weeks after he started to date my friend. I see them every few months or so and we have a WhatsApp group to chat in the meantime.

One of them has shared a few photos to the WA chat of a recent work night out. In the background of a couple of them I can see my friend’s fiancé standing very close to and in one photo kissing, another woman. I don’t recognise her, don’t know if she works with him or was just in the pub. They’re not the subject of the photo, it’s not immediately obvious what’s going on in the background until you look closely. But in the photo of them standing together they look intimate IYSWIM (it’s hard to be 100% sure because of the angle but if I had to guess I’d say he has his hand on her arse) and in the kissing photo it’s a proper snog. Neither of my friends have mentioned it and I haven’t said anything in the chat.

Do I tell my friend? And if so, how?? The photos have saved automatically to my camera roll so I have the evidence but she’ll be absolutely devastated - and, selfishly, I’m worried about losing her as a friend if she shoots the messenger. But I keep thinking that if it were me I’d want to know.

Is there anyone in the group chat that you can privately ask about the photo?
If you are certain it’s him and they are kissing then I would definitely tell his fiance! She has a right to know.

I am 99.9% sure it’s him.

I don’t know if the other two in the group a) haven’t noticed, b) haven’t remembered he’s now engaged to my friend (she never worked there so they don’t really know her) so aren’t that bothered what he gets up to or c) we’re all doing that thing of politely not mentioning it because it’s too awkward.

Just ask the friends in the group chat!

Call me spooky but I think stuff like this is ‘sent by fate’ or angels….it’s someone trying to send a massive warning signal to someone they love. You’re the messenger here, sorry. You have to follow this up and she has to know.

I don’t need to ask them anything, I can see that it’s him and I can see he’s kissing another woman, in a way that is wildly inappropriate for someone who is engaged. My issue is do I tell my friend or not?

Yes of course you tell her.

She might blame you, you may lose their friendship but it’s still the right thing to do.

Yes, if she's a close friend of course you should tell her.Then at least it's her decision what she chooses to do about it. It's an awkward situation but wouldn't you want to know if this happened to you?

Absolutely. If I ever found out you knew and didn't tell me, the friendship would be finished anyway.

Yeah, that’s fair enough.

Ugh, I can’t express how angry I am with the bastard that he’s put me in this position because he can’t keep his tongue in his own mouth.

He’s a cheat and is publicly making a fool of her. Without a doubt I would inform her and show her the photo. She deserves to know the truth about her life and this relationship … just as you would.

@SoundTheSirens, please bring her out of the dark asap.

I can imagine. It’s grim.
The next thing is to work out how to do it.
Don’t rush into it, if there’s someone you can trust the judgement of to talk to about this, then do that.
Sending strength. But she has to know.

Text her. Tell her you've received a photo and in the background is her fiance. Then either wait for her to ask to see it and tell her it doesn't make him look good as he's with someone else , or just tell her straight off. It gives her fair warning.

I absolutely would tell her and show her the photo.

Why would you not. Imagine how guilty you will feel on their wedding day.

I did it once like this; dear Jane, I need to show you something. I don't want to, but I love you and if it was the other way round I would want to know.
Have a glass of wine. I have not told anyone else, you are my friend and I want us to stay friends, so whatever you decide to do with this, I'll have your back, and I won't judge you in any way.
Show her the picture.
And then actually try really hard not to judge.
Because chances are he'll have an excuse and win her over, she'll want to believe him, marry him, and then some time later she will be at your doorstep crying because he cheated.
And you are there, as her friend.
You need to tell her, but also not make it your problem, that is the difficult part I found.

Ps you will still feel weird as f* at her wedding day, and probably drink too much😥

I would have to tell her. I would want to know if the situation was reversed.

@Professionalnot 's way really is the best way.

I did the same but it was my sister and the cheater was her DH (he sent a WA message for the OW to me -our names are similar).
Hardest conversation I've ever had.
She is still with him.
We didn't fall out.

Thanks everyone. I've tried to make arrangements to see her this weekend because now I'm clear it's the right thing to tell her, I'd rather get it over with but she's already tied up when I'm free, so it will probably be one evening next week. I've tried not to be too portentous but it's hard to balance "I really need to speak to you so please make time for me" with not causing her too much stress/worry in the meantime.

@Professionalnot thank you in particular, that seems like the best approach to give her the information to make an informed decision but hopefully not completely torpedoing our friendship.

This is probably the best post.
OP, do it and maybe you will save her from making the mistake to marry him.
There is a chance she might stop talking to you and shoot the messenger so be prepared. But hey ho - you have done the right trying to save someone from a life of misery.

Glad to hear you are planning on telling her.
NEVER understand people saying 'but she might stop being friends with you if you tell her, shoot the messenger etc'
But... by not telling them, it makes you a terrible friend??
Fingers crossed it goes okay for you - at least you (and she) will be armed with evidence.

Yes. Tell your friend. I would want to know.

Generally what happens is that she will forgive & the messenger usually gets shot.

Glad to hear you are planning on telling her. NEVER understand people saying 'but she might stop being friends with you if you tell her, shoot the messenger etc'
But... by not telling them, it makes you a terrible friend??

There are very very few friends I would tell now after I’ve seen it play out so many times. Lots of people don’t want to know or know but don’t want to confront it.

Make sure you copy the photo in case it gets deleted!

This. Absolutely and completely this is the way to approach it. And also I think the likely outcome xx