Finally served divorce papers and terrified

[DoesItSparkJoyMarie]

So a couple of years ago I got it together to leave an abusive relationship. Lots of long term emotional abuse but the final incident was physical. DD and I were in a WA refuge for a few months then housed in social housing. Ex is still in marital home with no mortgage, and has very limited video call contact with DD.

Things were awful for a while - DD was traumatised, I had to stop my PhD and get a terrible job with child-unfriendly hours to provide for us both, but still used food banks, couldn't turn the heating on and took a payday loan to plug the gaps. All but pleaded with ex to communicate re divorce - collaborative divorce lawyer, mediation, traditional solicitor' letters, the lot. He'd do half a job (ironically the theme of the marriage) then go AWOL for months at a time.

Things are slowly, cautiously better. DD is in therapy and thriving. I managed to leverage the experience I gained at the horrible job into my absolute dream job with flexitime and a big salary increase last month. At the weekend my ex crossed a final line and after another period of months with no movement on divorce, told DD he would have to return to his home country for visa reasons and because he needed to look after his elderly parents. He has since denied saying this (I heard him say it). I instructed my lawyer today to serve the divorce paper, as if he does in fact leave then I'll have to incur yet more expense chasing him down overseas but if he's not leaving I think 2 years of hoping he'll play ball is probably long enough.

I'm just scared. I've said if he will agree to divorce based on over a year of separation, I won't cite unreasonable behaviour, and I really hope he agrees. If he doesn't, I have to list all the horrible things DD and I went through and he will deny everything, chuck the book at me, hold it all up even longer.

Anyone relate/in a position to say there's light at the end of the tunnel?

What do you think throwing the book at you will look like? Surely best case scenario here is he sorts the divorce then fucks off?

I’m not sure where you’re based but in the UK divorce is now no fault. I believe some states in US also work on this basis. So there’s no need to wait two years if you file in those relevant countries or states. It is worth checking this. You can probably confirm this online.

But you don't have to cite unreasonable behaviour or get him to agree to a divorce. Since April 2022, in the UK, anyone can file for a divorce without giving a reason and proceed with it, even if the other person doesn't agree. Your solicitor sounds terrible, I think you need to interview another one. Have you seen this website? https://divorce.wikivorce.com/

Check with a legal adviser but I don't think we have to go through all this fault finding any more. You just apply for a divorce if you want one and there's no argybargy.

I'm in the UK and would have done this, but he won't agree on division of assets. This is what the main hold-up has been - he says he doesn't agree to whatever split I propose, then goes silent. So it has to be a court action.

You’ve given him enough time what are you waiting for. He’s abusive, he isn’t going to just agree to a divorce when he knows he can be difficult. See the solicitor, give the reasons and crack on getting it to court where as a minimum you are going to get 50% and if possible a lot more as you have your daughTer 100%. I hope he is paying CMS

I spoke with her today - the order is drafted and good to go, provided he agrees to the divorce on those grounds. If not, I will go the unreasonable behaviour route - I'm just scared because I've compartmentalised it all and moved on as best I can. I don't want to have to drag it all out again and deal with back and forth / him denying or minimising or defending his behaviour by saying I was crazy (he will absolutely do this). Like I say, if it comes to it I will but it's just awful. I just want it over.

In news that will shock you, he is not paying CMS. Or anything towards DD.

The actual divorce is a separate process to the financial order. I don’t understand why citing unreasonable behaviour as opposed to any other reason makes the slightest difference.

You can say no to a divorce on grounds that the finances aren't settled, apparently.

And it makes a difference because he can also refuse to accept my account and challenge it, whereas if we just say 'we agree to get divorced' there's no back and forth

Divorce is ‘no fault’ these days, so there is no unreasonable behaviour ‘route’ any more - there is no discussing his behaviour, or yours, you just agree to divorce (or not). So it makes no difference to your discussions about the finances. He either agrees or doesn’t, and you either agree or don’t, to the various financials.

Well yes you can contest a divorce on any grounds but no court realistically wouldn’t grant it.

yes it’s better to do the financial order first but the two aren’t 100% dependent on each other. You can do it on other grounds and he can still argue your account. Citing unreasonable behaviour doesn’t make things less favourable for him financially so it seems strange it’s kind of like a threat.

Does the 5 year rule still apply? After 5 years separation you could apply for divorce without the other person’s agreement. If they didn’t respond you just went ahead and divorce was granted on irretrievable breakdown of marriage.
If this still exists is it worth just letting him fuck off and waiting 3 years or wouldn’t that work financially for you?

Divorce lawyer here.

Divorce and finances run separately but usually side by side. You have to have divorce proceedings to be able to issue the financial claim.

He can't dispute the divorce unless he disputes jurisdiction. If he doesn't play ball you can push it through. It's all done online via email and an online portal.

In very limited circumstances a person can seek to delay the finalisation of the divorce on the basis that they could be disadvantaged if you were to die before the money is settled. This doesn't stop the divorce though it just delays it. It does not mean that a financial application will be delayed.

You should imo also issue the financial application asap. If he disappears off abroad you will be able to show he knows about the proceedings and is deliberately not participating and the court can make an order in his absence.

5 yrs, 2yrs, unreasonable behaviour, adultery no longer exist as the basis for a divorce.

@TooTrusting sorry to jump in here. I have the conditional order, and can now apply for the final order. Finances not settled, ex made a suggestion, I got a mortgage offer, he got the consent order drawn up, then has changed his mind. Its the last thing he can control in my life. I don't have any more money to throw at it. How bad an idea is it to get the final order done before the consent order?? I'm hoping it will spur him into action re the finances. No other assets to speak of

The only disadvantage really is that if he dies then you are not his widow for the purposes of pensions etc.
Getting the final order isn't going to spur him into action though is it? You're going to need that order to get a mortgage offer aren't you?
If you have a solicitor ask them to send you the precedent standard draft financial order and have a bash at doing it yourself. The precedent has everything in it so you just delete what doesn't apply.