Is this banter and am I just being oversensitive?

[Pinksparkles84]

STBXH and I are currently in the process of separating. I have blocked his number as he was sending me abusive texts and text me earlier to say that he felt like a wounded animal as I have not been in contact with him, other than to tell him how our son has been (and getting DS to FaceTime him). i took DS to Devon last Friday and we got back Tuesday evening.

I have spoken to a mediator about childcare arrangements as I don’t want to coparent with STBXH as he has been verbally (and during one incident physically) abusive to me. He said that he wants us to be friendly with one another, but after saying this, sent me a picture of DS trainers which were muddy due to a walk I had been on with DS. The picture had no comment (insinuating that I was being a bad parent). I instantly felt anxious and I replied to him saying I was sorry that I hadn’t got around to getting a new pair of trainers (I’d previously bought DS a new pair of trainers but they didn’t fit right and I was going to return them). I felt like the worst mum in the world and had a cry about this message as STBXH also criticised me as I got DS haircut yesterday and he had a stripe in his hair as he wanted it (STBXH said it was my responsibility to say no to DS).

i am moving out of the house as he refused to do so, saying it was me that ended the relationship, not him. We are dividing the items in our house and we hadnt decided on the vacuum cleaner. His response was this. By way of context, he told me that I was a bad mother as I took DS out to see our friends one weekend rather than tidy up the house. I tend to run the hoover over the house once a week and he did most of the cooking as he’d always criticise my cooking and my self esteem is rock bottom. he told me that me not tidying up makes him angry and he wouldn’t have to be so stressed if I were a tidier person. I feel damaged because I think I am faulty because I am not super clean and can be messy in the kitchen and this is why I won’t be able to have another relationship as he told me that any other man would get stressed with me around.

i have previous posts about his behaviour towards me.

Is this text just banter and I am being too oversensitive as usual.

You what type of joke is not funny? An insult dressed up as a joke. This is classic coercive control put down shit. Just ignore him. Petty, snide man.

Ignore it, he's trying to pull you into engaging with him, don't do it. Keep your head down and assume that every interaction from him is trying to provoke you, and deal with it accordingly.

You've got bigger and more important issues to deal with than a second hand Henry Hoover, let him have it and keep going in the opposite direction, don't let him drag you back in.

It's not a nice text no, but I think you need to work on caring less about what he thinks or says - his opinion of you really doesn't matter, stop apologising! I think you have done the right thing by blocking him. Your self esteem will improve the longer you spend away from him, you are not a bad mum!

that message comes across as gentle ribbing about lack of being tidy, me and DH make similar comments about iron/ironing boards because neither of us like to do it.

But with your back story, he seems to have worn you down so much that you wouldn't be able to recognise banter from harsh criticism anyway and it could very well be disguised as gentle ribbing when really he's making another dig at you, it's how YOU choose to interpret it that's important.

Don't focus too much on things like this OP, you need to learn to let this sort of thing wash over you, once you're fully separated it honestly won't matter what he thinks as you're free to live your life for you and your son.

You can't change his behaviour, but you certainly can change your reaction to it, the sooner you stop letting him control you the better, pretend you don't care what he thinks (even if you do) and at some point you will actually stop caring.

Good luck in your recovery.

It’s not banter, he is clearly trying to out you down. But why care? You’re well rid of him, concentrate on that.
Keep telling yourself he no longer has any control over you .

Ignore him. Some people can’t help themselves and stay being twats forever.
Keep communication simple and factual, preferably that the answer could be just yes or no.

“he told me that I was a bad mother as I took DS out to see our friends one weekend rather than tidy up the house”

Haha what an idiot. Sorry but wtf?

How sensitive do you think you should be, and what's your frame of reference? Who makes the rules about what feelings you should have?

You have a long ass road of coparenting with him, toughen up. You need to clean to the level you you're not ashamed of so he can't use it against you.

This really isn't about the cleaning.

The usual coercive controlling crap they come out with.
Move out asap and as far as possible.
Get your mobile number changed, give number only to trusted friends and family.
Get a cheap payg and use it only to communicate with him. Anything not relating to ds delete immediately. Photos of trainers— ignore.

Before you leave cook him a nice, maybe M&S or Waitrose, meal, one he’ll really enjoy, maybe even more so when you’ve put a heavy dose of laxative in it. ( oh yes, I was that person)

And always remember, your life will be so much better without this aresehole in it.