sort of desperate forty year old lady INCEL

[scruffymama]

Hey everyone,

I am in a ten year old relationship with man who's 17 years older than me. We have a lovely 2 and a half year old boy. My husband and I have had lots of problems in the last 3 years, health, finance, too much drinking (him) to name a few. Things between us got better in the last couple of months, he has his drinking under control and while I am not in love with him, I do love him and care about him. He is a good dad and our family life is very functional and mostly happy.

We have not had sex since my son was born. We tried for a long time before we had him which took a lot of the fun out of our sex life. However thing were never amazing between us, maybe due to compatibility issues. He was raised religious and i think that has impacted his relationship with sex. He was always very conservative sexually (missionary only) and he made me feel self conscious for wanting anything more adventurous. That and he is now on anti depressants that kill his sex drive. I feel like the baby hormones have gone and my sex drive has returned. I masturbate when I have some time alone and that helps.

I recently realised that these might be my last days of sex appeal, not that I have a huge amount. I crave passion, I long to be wanted and to have uninhibited, energetic sex with a man who fancies me. Thats the unfortunate truth. I can't imagine my husband would accept and open relationship and even if he did i have no idea where I would meet a man, I don't know any single ones. I don't want to do apps either.

Anyway, I know I should be mature and sensible, buy a vibrator or somehow reignite thing in my marriage only I really have no desire to do either of these things. I really don't desire my husband, i don't think he wants me and i don't even want to brooch the subject with him.

What do you think ladies ?

It's not easy to find a good sex mate either. All the options are shit choose the least shit for everyone.

Sex is extremely easy to get for women, you'd be drowning in offers, but I wouldn't go behind your husbands back.

Yes it's easy to get ANY sex, but not good sex.

i don't even want to brooch the subject with him.

Your options are do nothing and let things stay the same, open the topic and have a discussion about how to fix this, or cheat. Since you don't want to open the discussion your options are to leave it alone or to cheat, and neither of those have a terrific outcome for you.

Women can get 'a' dick but not every dick is good, satisfying and hygienic. Guys with good dicks and nice manners aren't short of women. It's the bad in bed and players that oversaturate the dating scene.

"Get a vibrator''
Do you mean you dont rven have a vibrator already?! Wtf???

Don't cheat but before you break up, what does your husband bring to the family?
And if you are going to break up over it might as well discuas spicing things up or opening it if it's going down anyway.

To be honest if you can afford to do so I would ask for a separation and divorce.

Why did you marry someone in the first place you weren't sexually compatible with?

And that’s the reality when people say all women can easily get sex. There’s lots of sex out there if you’re prepared to drop your standards and have mediocre sex for the sake of it with sleazy creeps or total players.

Good quality sex with a decent man isn’t out there ready and waiting to be found. Many even have realised we’re better of with a selection of Love Honeys finest than the grim offerings out there.

Hey thanks ladies :)
Like you say finding good sex with good guy is hard.
Have tried sorting the sex with husband earlier. He's a good guy and has been very good to me but he has strange old fashioned ideas on sex... his dad's a vicar

Anyway looks like I'll just focus on what's working in my marriage and keep on keeping on. Can't afford to live separately.

I wish good sex was easy to find! The truth is it's pretty shocking ALOT of the time. It always amazes me, even with the Internet, porn etc how many men have no idea where the clitoris actually is!! Personally OP I'd take a good man, stick with him and buy yourself some toys 😊

No don't buy a vibrator and live your life sexless. (I mean buy yourself a decent vibrator right now but don't live your life sexless)

Honestly I would tell your OH you want an open relationship and tbh if he's not interested then just end this relationship and be co parents.

Yes good sex is hard to come by but don't resign yourself to having shit sex or even no sex for life because he won't address the fact he doesn't want it and is quite frankly uncaring about being bad at it.

I'm 43 and had the best sex of my life after leaving my husband 2 years ago. I dated the guy casually for a year and a half, doubt I will ever get incredible sex like it again . He wasn't a keeper though and I didn't trust him , but the sex kept me there. It also felt amazing to be wanted and desired after my sexless marriage.
I never thought I could get that again , I thought I was dead inside but he really reignited things in me. It's totally fizzled out now but I will always be grateful for what he did for me.

Agree

It sounds like the 17 year age gap is now clearly showing and you both have different wants and needs.
If your husband has always been unadventurous sexually you are unlikely to change him now, and if a good sex life is your priority then you may well have to consider separation or an open relationship. Can you have an honest conversation with him and share your concerns? You have a right to feel wanted and desired in your relationship.

I really don't desire my husband, i don't think he wants me

Separation would be best all round here.

However thing were never amazing between us, maybe due to compatibility issues.

Then it’s not like you have anything to go back to. It seems sad to have spent your entire 30s having crap sex with someone you don’t fancy.

You’ve hopefully got many decades left. Great sex is epic. Split up, accept defeat and hopefully you’ll find someone you’re more compatible with. If sex is important to you don’t settle again.

Please don't refer to yourself as INCEL - that is a woman hating terrorist ideology, and not related to your situation in any way

I suppose it depends on your standards really. Yes you'll be drowning in offers from undesirable men, not so much from attractive successful men

We have a lovely 2 and a half year old boy.

You seem more interested in your "no go" sex life than your child. Why is that?

I dumped a crap father -the sex was great - cos my son's future turned out to be more important.

Wait till he's a teenager. He won't thank you.

When I split from exh sex had become a very rare event & absolutely rubbish for me. I met my late dp who was 14 years younger than me & I rediscovered sex, it was totally different & absolutely brilliant. Even me having a hysterectomy & being plunged into surgical menopause didn't stop us & after I started on HRT my sex drive went through the roof, it was him being woken up at all hours because I wanted more. Don't put up with spending the rest of your life without a fulfilling sex life, there is someone out there somewhere for you even if you split from your dh & have a FWB relationship.

I'm not being serious ;)

Reported.