Going no contact with MIL

[Diamondglintsonsnow]

Further to a previous post on here, I have decided to go no contact with my MIL for a variety of reasons but the catalyst to this was in Christmas 2023 when I had just lost my dear mum and MIL said some particularly terrible things which I can't move forward from.

DH is (was) supportive of me saying I need to be NC, but then my birthday came around recently and she had left a present for me (before the fallout) which I do not want so I won't be opening it. DH noticed that I hadn't opened her present and asked me about it. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't prepared to accept the gift (probably less than £20, so not expensive) and that he could either take it back to her when he next sees her (which knowing him may be once this year) or have it for himself if it's unisex.

DH then made the following remark which has really troubled me since, and I suppose this is why I am writing this post.

'Your both kind people, I'm sure you will work it out'

WTAF! Is my first thought, she was a terrible mother to him (and still is) she put him through so much as a child - abuse, abandonment, lies the list goes on and he is still in my opinion kind enough to keep her in his life, he has never given me a reason why he stays in contact but I think he feels she was kinder to him than his dad who has passed away.

In my opinion she is not kind, she is cruel. I have no intention of ever having someone like this in my life, my boundaries have been set.

But, this is where I am having issues. I went for dinner with my father last week and he pointed out that I can't 'win' in this situation. As she is his mother and despite the awful things she put him through he still chooses to have her in his life. I think he may be right and I just don't know now how to navigate this without coming out of the situation as the bad guy. My father suggested I just stay distant but respectful however this was my tact before the massive fallout.

Should I keep the boundaries as I have set for my own MH and wellbeing or should I be having a word with my DH to reaffirm that these are my boundaries. Has anyone ever navigated this before? Luckily, we don't have any DC to bring into this situation, and if we do in the future I would absolutely not want any contact with her GC without supervision. It's stressing me out before we have them!

The terrible things she said at that time - do you think you need to speak to someone about that? A counsellor or someone like that? It really helps to talk these things through otherwise they can continue to cause you trauma.

I have semi-successfully navigated a similar situation but it can be awkward at times. For the sake of your MH I would stay trust your gut and stick to your guns. Don't worry about the future (i.e. DC). If you want to insist upon supervised contact, you should not need to worry about that or feel you need to justify yourself.

I am pretty open with my loved ones and friends about what was said at the time, and they have given me the support you would expect and were more than outraged on my behalf.

Counselling is an avenue I'm thinking about, more to do with the suddenness of my DM's death and how to cope with it.

You alone can be the judge on this, and I'd try not to let the opinions of those around you have too much influence on your decision.
If your MIL is having such a negative impact on your wellbeing, then you're absolutely justified to go NC with her, even if your husband is still in contact. But only you can judge whether you may be capable and willing to be flexible if that means making your husbands life easier without damaging yourself.

As for your husband, have you ever head of the Voice Dialogue theory? Might be interesting to keep in mind.
It basically means that one individual always has a number of different 'voices' at the same time. You want to get to work on time, but you also don't want to wake up early after a late night. You're kind and giving, but a part of you also thinks enough is enough and you set boundaries. Each one of these parts of you has its own voice and these voices often contradict each other or want opposite things.
Your husband can be BOTH understanding to you and respectful of your boundaries, yet ALSO have a strong desire to be a loyal son to his mother and have a wife and mother who live together on harmony.
And these two sides of him will likely be competing with one and other.

While connecting with the first side, it's important to also be empathic to the second side and to acknowledge how hard it is for him to feel like he's stuck in the middle, how unfair it is to him that he can't have that harmoneous family he deserved.
Going head to head with that irrational, emotional, slightly naive part of him that just wishes he could have a kind mum and a kind wife and they could just get along, will only end up damaging the connection between you. There's nothing rational about a man who was once neglected, abandoned and abused to still care about his mother, but this part of him does. And as long as he's not forcing you to discard your own boundaries, you may want to be really kind to this part of him. He needs it.

WTAF! Is my first thought, she was a terrible mother to him (and still is) she put him through so much as a child - abuse, abandonment, lies the list goes on and he is still in my opinion kind enough to keep her in his life, he has never given me a reason why he stays in contact but I think he feels she was kinder to him than his dad who has passed away.

In my opinion she is not kind, she is cruel. I have no intention of ever having someone like this in my life, my boundaries have been set.

You need to say all of this to your husband.

I went for dinner with my father last week and he pointed out that I can't 'win' in this situation.

Winning has nothing to do with it. That's not even a factor because you're not competing over anything. You have simply made a decision for your own well-being. How others interpret it is not your concern.

Whether you go NC, go to counselling, set boundaries or anything else you might have to accept that your DH wants to keep his mother in his life. I've known people who have had terrible childhoods but they still keep in contact their mothers. I guess it's a fundamental need of human nature. Imagine having to acknowledge that the person who should love us most in all the world, the person from whose body we came, is a nasty human being. It's not easy and the emotions are deep and complex.

As for your position in all of this, your DH obviously expects you to keep contact with her too. Otherwise he will be in a very uncomfortable and unpleasant position. What would you do if he set an ultimatum?

I understand it may make DH's life easier if I were to be flexible. Although we have had limited contact in the last couple of years or so, maybe 2-3 visits a year and still have managed to have a big falling out at Christmas, her main cruel remark was that I was a terrible host this year, when I told her I am in the early stages of grieving my DM she told me that was no excuse.

I have never heard of the voice dialogue, but I understand why my DH could feel pulled in two ways.

Thank you Aquamarine1029 I will speak to DH about this.

We come from such different backgrounds mine wasn't perfect but as perfect as it can get in terms of love and care from my parents and his was quite the opposite, How he has turned out without too many battle scars I will never know.

I understand the concept of winning has nothing to do with it, perhaps it was a bad choice of words but I understand the underlying reason he said it. I don't want to win anything, I just need peace.

Thank you ginasevern. I am looking into counselling seriously as I don't have the MH to cope with small things at work at the moment.

I could never imagine realising the person who was supposed to love you and protect you the most didn't. I am not just mad about that, but it breaks my heart to think of what he went through. She has even bragged to me before about being glad her husband stopped hitting her because he started on the kids. I was aghast and couldn't believe with all the hindsight she has now that those words would pass her lips.

I don't think DH would ever set an ultimatum, but if he did I think I couldn't carry on with the relationship as I am not prepared to suffer or be verbally abused by anyone especially my MIL.

You don't have any children at the moment, so it's a fairly non-issue. Your dh can have whatever relationship he wants with his mum. He has free will and his relationship doesn't have to ever involve you. If he wants to see his mum, he can go visit her, or if you are comfortable, he can invite her to yours one day when you're away. Or he can take her out for lunch. He can go visit her on Boxing Day or her birthday or whatever while you have a nice day to yourself. It's really not complicated when there aren't children involved. Just take the gift to the charity shop.

That said, I do think the adult thing to do is to be open and honest about your decision and to put firm boundaries in place. Talk with your dh and say, these are the boundaries for the future. Do think through really practically though how this will work. Not being close to someone or not going out of your way to see someone is very different to being no contact. If dh's sibling gets married, and MIL will be there, will you not go? If there is a family funeral of someone you like and are close to, but MIL will be there, will you give it a miss? Or will you go and avoid her? Think through what you are comfortable with and what you aren't.

And then I would be completely honest with her about how she made you feel. I would put it in writing and explain it to her. I would keep a copy of what you send so you have a record too. And tell her what boundaries you put in place. You can't get upset about someone sending a present if you've never told them not to send you a present. Yes, she may react badly. Yes, she may try to twist your words. But at least you'll have made yourself clear.

I am NC with my own mum - in slightly different and more challenging circumstances, as we do have children involved and the reason we are NC is because my mum is a safeguarding risk (besides just being a quite messed up person). I wrote her a letter (after many years of trying other things) and told her to never contact us again. She no longer knows where we live/our address. So that does help. I completely ignore any attempts to contact me, by email, message, whatever. I won't lie and say it's not shit though. I would much rather not have had to do that and I'll be honest and say I wish circumstances were different. So yes, on a practical level, it's very doable. On an emotional level, it can be really tough, and it will bring up a lot of pain for you and for your dh, that you do need to be prepared to deal with.

I don't want to win anything, I just need peace.

Exactly, and tell your husband that. Tell him that he is more than welcome to have whatever kind of relationship he wants/needs with his mother, but he cannot expect you to have a relationship with anyone who abuses you.

I've been no contact with my 'in-laws' (together 15 years but not married, I call them that for ease) for nearly 10 years. In my case it was my FIL who was the problem, but like you I got to the point where I didn't want to have to deal with his rudeness and judgement - mainly of my childhood, which was obviously completely out of my control - any longer. Partner wishes things were different, but understands why I went no contact with them.

I'm in my mid 50s, my partner is a couple of years younger and we met when we were in our late 30s. No children (another black mark against me, apparently) as I never wanted any and it was too late by the time we met, anyway. That and living 200 miles away from them has made no contact a lot easier. 'MIL' died unexpectedly 4 and a half months ago and I still have no regrets about being no contact with them.

I've always said that a good relationship with in-laws is a bonus, not a necessity.

Surely if you are a kind person the one who needs to benefit from that is yourself?
Mil isn't kind or nice is she? Don't lower your morals to be in her company op. If dh feels obligated that's his choice.. When I stopped visiting ils I felt empowered after years of them bullying me and sometimes my dc..

I would have huge issues with what your DH said. Not just because of him saying she's kind when she treated him so badly but because he's essentially saying 'you're as bad as each other'
Why isn't he is support of you and how hurt you are as his DW?

Would your DH consider therapy to help him process what happened to him as a child? At the moment he sounds deep in denial about who his mother is.

I'd be very careful if youre planning on having children with this man, its easier to hold your boundaries in place for yourself but as soon as theres a cute grandchild in the picture its going to be very difficult to navigate if she suddenly decides shes wants to play doting granny. If you dont have clear boundaries in place with DH ahead of time you could end up dealing with all this post partum and vulnerable. Take this to the extreme and if you and dh were to separate and children have to split time between you both, would you trust DH to keep them away from her and allow unsupervised access?

Thank you, I’ve often wondered what I would do if MIL died, I wouldn’t go to her funeral as it would feel hypocritical. I’d support DH of course but I don’t believe I would have any regrets as I was always welcoming to her regardless of how I felt. I feel she burnt the bridge and I’m not prepared to rebuild it for such a toxic person

As soon as I put the boundary in place I too felt a weight lift from my shoulders. It’s been pretty hard losing my mum so unexpectedly so to take the stress off my life this was the only way forward for me

I also have issue with this as I really don’t feel I am the same as this awful woman. I need to speak to DH about the ongoing decision and also that this is the first time (I’m in my 40’s) I have ever cut my ties with anyone in my life. I need to tell him it’s really affected my MH and that I need him to support my decision not to have a relationship with her I feel like he thinks it’s just for now.

You are right, speaking my deepest fears. She had asked my mum last time they saw each other when she was having a home grown grandchild. Her daughter (DH’s sister) moved abroad and had her children and has never come back, I don’t blame her to be honest.

I think to be honest DH does need therapy, he can get terrible anxiety and has been to group therapy but I think he needs 1-2-1. I think I will look into therapy first, to address my grief etc and maybe incorporate DH into this as I address the issue.

@Diamondglintsonsnow The only thing I was worried about when MIL died was if my partner would expect me to attend the funeral...'luckily' for me there was no funeral...which I actually found really sad. As far as I'm concerned FIL acted like an arsehole over that, too...first he told her family (brothers and sisters, cousins etc) that there would be a funeral and she would be buried back in Scotland (where she was originally from, she moved to London in her early 20s and met FIL).

Barely 2 days later he'd changed his mind, she would be buried in London and there would be no funeral and no wake...there wasn't even anyone there for the actual burial. Of course that's now caused a major rift with all my partner's Scottish relatives...I know ultimately that as next of kin it was FIL's decision (MIL had left no will or instructions) but she had family that have been denied the opportunity to say goodbye.

You are a family unit and as soon as you marry or even have children unmarried your primary loyalties and priorities swap to the family you have chosen and are creating.

Out of loyalty to you, he should stand up to his mother and say that until she can be respectful of you, as a unit, you will both be taking some space from her.

I have been through this.
It got quite serious in the end as his family were trolling my online blog and he still defended them and tried to make out it was a big misunderstanding so I had to leave.

At this point, he should at the very least, be speaking to his mother about her behaviour. Men who behave like he is are men who only care about protecting their own comfort at all costs and he is endeavouring to do that by minimising the situation. It's gaslighting and is highly emotionally manipulative.

Keep whatever boundaries you need to keep but don't be surprised if him still visiting hia mother and refusing to speak about her behaviour towards you begins to feel like a betrayal. Because it is.