I know I'm being pathetic

[TheGreatGherkin]

I am so upset about a close friend of mine. I know it is pathetic, schoolyard stuff and as a mature relatively intelligent person I should know better, but I feel so hurt.
I have been close with "Beth" for a good few years now. I have offered support with a messy relationship breakup (which was her fault), bought shopping when there was nothing in the cupboards, ferried her around when she didn't have a car and generally tried to be a supportive friend. Beth has a relatively new friend and the contrast in how she approaches this friendship with "Jane" couldn't be anymore stark; Beth seems to be bending over backwards to help Jane which is fair enough but the other week I rang Beth in the morning to ask her for help with something and she didn't reply/answer until a couple of days later. When she did get in touch she said that she couldn't be bothered to answer her phone.

I feel so hurt by this especially as Beth is always going on about how loyalty is important in friendships and she values me as a loyal friend. When she was last with me Jane rang and Beth couldn't answer her phone quickly enough and the way she treats us is so different. Upon reflection our friendship has always been very one sided with me giving (TBF Beth has never asked for help apart from the odd lift but has always taken any help that has been offered) and helping and little has been offered in return, not that I have asked. I just assumed if I asked for help it would be given.

I feel as if I have been used and feel gullible, falling for the loyal friend BS and feel as if our friendship is not worth maintaining as she clearly does not think the same of me as I her. I feel like I am mourning something which I did not have which is daft.
I know this is so immature and need to get on with things but am just posting to have a moan and a vent.

I don't think its immature or pathetic

Do you always dismiss and belittle your own feelings?

I do think you're being used and you need to drop the friendship- bet you only hear from her again if she wants something. Of course you're hurt & upset though! You're allowed to be.

@Collywobblewobbles

I don't think it's a case of dismissing my feelings it's how strong those feelings are that have upset me and the sense that I have been taken for a mug.

I don't think it was pathetic. However, take it as a hard lesson. Just because might have loved to have a friend to give you lifts , buy your shopping and do favours doesn't mean that that was what Beth wanted too.

Admittedly she should have said thanks , but no thank however , some peope feel overwhelmed and don't know how to refuse. It is possible she used you , but you need to not give more than you are prepared to give.

I think also maybe she got sick of the dynamic where she is constantly the poor recipient of your help and you are the white Knight always rescuing her. Maybe she wanted to enter into a new friendship where she feels an equal with the other friend rather than a charity project It's also possible that the friendship might have been making. Her feel bad about herself and may be envy about you. Maybe the friendship felt like a Burden and a reminder of how messed up her life is. And she just wants to move on with someone new or who hasn't seen her vulnerable side. Some people feel so embarrassed about their life mistakes. And they just want to move on with fresh people. Anyway, I think going forward. Just be more selective about who you help and the real reason why you're helping them, are you projecting on them?
Even if your intentions are good , sometimes people simply just do not want your help , they just want to talk.

I think if you're keen to keep the friendship with Beth, it needs to be on a more equal basis. Friends don't HAVE to help each other do stuff or bend over backwards, or even frontwards. Friendship should first of all be on the basis that you like and value one another without the help factor.

It sounds like you need to feel needed (?) as you mention she hasn't always asked for this help that you provide. Maybe take a step back and see if she gets in touch with you just for the purpose of your company, without asking for anything. Then you'll have your answer as to whether she values you. It can feel hurtful when a friend becomes really taken with a shiny new other friend, that's understandable. I think she has valued the support you've given her and that's maybe part of why she's helping "Jane" so much - maybe paying it forward. And possibly finding it very rewarding, as you must have done at least at first. But like you're feeling now, there comes a point where you start to feel taken for granted and not rewarded for your efforts - maybe need to re-frame things a bit and see yourself as offering good company over the helper role.

I don't think I've played the White Knight or at least I hope not. I sure that she does not see it like that but saw it for what it was, a friend helping.When I say I have taken her shopping she literally had nothing in the cupboards and had gone for a couple of days without eating.
It was the comment about not being bothered to answer my phone call that hurt the most. Yes we do have coffee etc without anything "transactional"going on.

I should mention, the relationship breakdown was a while ago and her life has been back on track for a while now. She is doing OK in that regard.

Just let her have her friend crush. It will fizzle eventually. Don't drop her like others suggest, as you have been friends for years. Just cool off and when the new friend starts to let her down, as she will, and the shine wears off, be unavailable for a while.

Not dismissing, but minimising. You are calling your feelings 'pathetic'.

How would you feel if someone else called your feelings 'pathetic'? Would you feel drawn to them? Would you feel that they liked you?

I see this a lot, the issue is she feels "safe" with you so doesn't have to make as much of an effort. New potential friend she is trying to impress. She already has you as a close friend. I certainly wouldn't dump over this but I would probably back off a bit and be a bit less helpful and available as people can take you for granted. Its human nature

Seems she's all right when you're being a friend to her.

Not so much when you need her to be a friend to you.

Just got a message from her asking for a lift. I'm at work so it was a no.

I would be petty and leave her on read not even a reply🙊