Separated but is there any way back?

[Eastereggsale]

Separated for 2 years, we have one DC (6 turning 7). All things came to a head through bad communication and the pressures of the lockdowns. We definitely had ups and downs which I wish for my part I managed better. He was stonewalling throughout and I was thoroughly exhausted of trying all different ways to change myself and moved out with my DC for everyone's sanity. I wish things worked out differently.

We are co-parenting well, child is thriving. But I feel very lonely and can't get over it. I miss my H very much and what we had, something I've only been able to admit to myself recently.

Is there any way back to reconciling? He has never said anything. Do I come out and ask for a conversation so at least I know what he's thinking, or do I just things at face value and move on with my life?

Why was it just on you to change yourself and behave differently? The last thing anyone needed in lockdown, when our worlds shrank to our households, was to be with someone who wouldn’t communicate with you. He was apparently happy to let you leave rather than open up to you. Do you really think it would be different now?

All that said - I see no harm in opening up
the discussion with him if you think you can do so without damaging the successful co-parenting if he does say no. Since you chose to end the relationship, I agree it is for you to open the discussion.

Thanks I've tried a few times to ask for a conversation. It's never happened. I'm also feeling like there is no harm is asking again but feel I'm fooling myself.

Hoping to get other views on this. I'm losing my mind.

He was apparently happy to let you leave rather than open up to you.

Yes he let me leave without saying a word.

No, don't get back and focus on coparenting.

It's not so much that I want to go back at this point, it's more wanting to have a conversation to see what the possibilities are.

I also recognise that I can't be separated forever so at this point I want to know from him what he wants.

Focused on the co-parenting but I often feel like DC life would be better with both parents all the time. I know I may be living in fantasy land.

I think if you’ve already floated the idea of discussing a few times and his response was as poor as when you were together that should be your answer. Unless he is willing to reflect on himself and his own part in the break up you’d either end up getting nowhere and being hurt, or worse end up back together but in the same situation which would be very tough for your little one if you have to split again.

Besides, if he was not willing to fight for you when you left him why chase him? I had a stonewalling and apathetic partner the last 3 years of a 6 year relationship. It was soul destroying and like you, I had to be the one to end it even though I was still so in love with him. I couldn’t keep doing it to myself and he was too much of a coward to do it himself and disrupt his life.

He could not be clearer that he does not want to speak to you, repeatedly asking him to, as you've done, is begging and degrades yourself.
Stonewalling is abuse and never to be pandered to, it's great that you're no longer with the man,no need to ask him what he wants, start the divorce.
Enjoy life.

“I think if you’ve already floated the idea of discussing a few times and his response was as poor as when you were together that should be your answer. Unless he is willing to reflect on himself and his own part in the break up you’d either end up getting nowhere and being hurt, or worse end up back together but in the same situation which would be very tough for your little one if you have to split again.”

This. As gets said on here - no answer is an answer. He’s not interested in reconciliation so it makes sense to move to the next step (ie divorce, dating others (if you want) etc).

Thanks.
@Inaspot21 sorry you went through that. Yes it's soul destroying isn't it. I felt I couldn't stay in the marriage and be ignored and only met with defensive or indifference. Helpful to look at it as cowardice that he didn't want to disrupt his life by leaving or doing anything differently. It's so true.

I guess I am bemused that it's been so long and he doesn't mention anything. I know that someone who wants to reconcile would come out with it.

Wish I knew what to do as I'm driving myself towards a breakdown. I feel terrible guilt.

Stonewalling is abuse and never to be pandered to

I had no idea about stonewalling. I didn't know it was a thing and still struggling to understand how this could be possible. I suppose I was too horrible to him and deserved to be ignored.

No, it’s not likely to be because you are awful and you’d never be deserving of such treatment. It’s a way of controlling a situation and preventing you from getting the resolution you so desperately need, basically until you comply just to ease the awful atmosphere by letting whatever it is go until next time. Yes in some instances it might be a calculating and abusive tactic, but sometimes it can be the stonewaller is just too emotionally immature to be able to engage and shuts down instead, escaping the issue till it goes away.

I think all you can do is continue to co parent as best you can and keep things stable and amicable for your DC. You’ll still be thinking of the good times and grieving for what might’ve been which is totally understandable, but you must keep in mind that’s not what you ended up with. If you went back how would things be any different?

I appreciate it must be tough for you to try and move on having to see him regularly due to DC but eventually you will have a life beyond him, and it will be a happier one!

3 years on and I’m just starting to date. Top of my list in a partner is good communication and emotional maturity as I hadn’t realised how important they were to me till I didn’t have them. We learn something new about ourselves with everything we go through.

@Inaspot21 thanks it's good to hear you are coming out the other end of it.

You are right, seeing him frequently does not help. We're amicable regarding our co-parenting relationship and that's very fortunate, I know it could be much worse. I cannot shake the feeling that it is my own fault and my own guilt I have to live with for ripping apart the family unit.

As far as he's concerned he's remained silent and dignified, I'm the mad and abusive crazy one who had the audacity to walk away.

I feel completely stuck.

Is it worth me keeping quiet or do I have another go and trying to have a conversation?

I think it's worth another attempt at a conversation. I don't think you will be able to fully settle until you do. And it could be closure for you that you need if he isn't interested in reconciling.

I think the level of agonising you're doing should be your clue that this is not a healthy attachment. From how you describe him, he actually sounds quite abusive, certainly controlling, to me. As you point out yourself, he's not even making the right noises, never mind making the right moves here, not then, not now.

If you're tortured by ideas of yourself as abusive, crazy and horrible, I think you should do some reading about reactive abuse. I suspect he manoeuvred you into being the angry, emotional one in the relationship, so that he didn't have to trouble himself with negative emotions. Is he a Mr Nice Guy type by any chance?

You say you left to save your sanity and I think you should trust that your gut led you to do the right thing at the time. It's only now you're out of this situation on a daily basis that you're second guessing yourself, but you undoubtedly deserve better than indifference, defensiveness, stonewalling and what I'm guessing was passive aggression.

If you're co-parenting well enough, I would take that as a win, but also start to make a tactical withdrawal, reducing communication until it's only about your DC and only when necessary, because I think you're torturing yourself actually by hankering after something that isn't likely to happen and would only make your miserable again if it did. It will get easier, I promise, and in the long run your DC is better well away from a toxic parental dynamic.

I think if it's accessible to you try to get some counselling it'll be invaluable to you at the moment and might enable you to move on in a positive way.
Your posts are very conflicted at the moment and that is an indication that talking to him and exploring getting back together isn't the right thing at the moment (or ever based on why you split and his total inertia towards you since) or probably ever.

DON'T have another conversation OP. He knows very well whst he's doing.

He's not going to give you the closure you need and deserve. His behaviour is abusive and he's a coward.

OP
Maybe this blog post could help?
She has lots of good pragmatic articles
Xxx

"Despite looking good on paper, this man is emotionally absent. He shares no vulnerabilities with his wife, no fears, and no insecurities. He doesn’t even like talking about insecurities or vulnerabilities, and shuts down or problem solves when his wife brings up her vulnerable emotions. She has many of these, because often she is struggling with low self-esteem from experiences in her own upbringing. Her husband’s inability to express emotions or validate her emotions leads to attachment panic in the wife, the same as it does for . She wonders if there is anyone listening to her at all when she talks to her husband. She feels alone, yet, since he is physically there, he tells her that she is crazy, or at the very least, being overdramatic, by saying she feels lonely."

The replies don't seem to be helping you, you are not stuck, it's not your fault that the man is shit, and no, obviously do not chat with him or beg him.

Talk to him. Calmly. Ask him if he is interested in reconciliation, if not start talking about divorce. Either way you won't move on unless you talk.