Family rift

[Lorijune]

10 years ago there was a big rift in my family. My mum met a toy boy and it caused a stir. I’d just spilt up with my husband too and my brother got divorced. Lots going on lots of judgement from one member to the next. For years my brother and sister didn’t speak to me and my mum. I’ve never had an explanation for it. I know my brother and sister felt my mum wasn’t as loving etc as she could have been and was neglectful when we were young. Also my sister was abused by a family friend’s child and blames my mum for letting this happen. After 10 years of not being close to them and the hope of reconciliation fading, I feel angry that we are all on civil speaking terms but that my children have missed 10 years of family support and I was/am essentially abandoned by them. My mum’s toy boy who caused a stir is still on the scene and is like my big brother to me now. Brother and sister aren’t the type to sit and discuss this stuff to gain understanding. Maybe I have something to learn, apologise for or deny/explain. After 10 years of finding no calm or comfort in the status quo, I feel tempted to write a letter to get everything I have to say off my chest. How I felt abandoned, rejected, isolated, confused. How I needed them as a single mum of two. How they have vilified me for leaving my husband and failed to be there when my best friend died, my house was broken into etc. I feel it will be the final nail in the coffin of our relationships, but I’m done carrying all this. Thoughts?

I know my brother and sister felt my mum wasn’t as loving etc as she could have been and was neglectful when we were young.

This sentence could benefit from some elaboration

My mum was brought up in the 40s. This was war time. She had a big family and the norm was to all pull together to manage. Older kids took care of younger kids. They all had to help out, share things. My mum was 18 when she became a mum. She definitely did not fit the Description of neglectful given above!! She provided well for us as her parents taught her. However she wasn’t good at being emotionally present probably worse after her second child passed away as her mental health must have suffered. Parenting in the 60s isn’t the same as today. We are much more educated now about health and parenting. That said I’d argue many parents are actually neglectful today looking at the hours of screen time children have and their diet!

I think you will have to accept you can’t have the old family ‘together’ as you wanted.

I see in your original post you are angry your DC missed out and that all this started at the time of your divorce. I wonder if it was shocking for you not to have the cushion of support you needed from the original family at the time your own, new family broke down?

Your DCs realistically won’t mind missing out, they’ll accept the world as you present it to them. I think it’s displaced anger that you’ve missed out on something. Where was your dad, and what’s your relationship with the DCs dad now?