Two quirky ASDs finding solace in each other, but too quickly?

[CanLoveBeSafe]

So I met a woman around 5 days to a week ago online.
I had responded to her community facebook post and she liked my response so much that she sent me voice notes in return on messenger 😯
Flash forward and we've really been connecting with each other very well, slowly getting to know one another.
I'm a 31yr old guy and she is a 41. We are both ASD/ND, quirky as hell and even share some of the same stims 😆

At first I had just anticipated friendship, but when she revealed to me that she held a desire to meet in person and see if it was even possible that something more could develop I confessed to her that I too was really curious but a little bit scared, I then felt scared about what she would say about me revealing I felt a little scared but to my relief she said she felt relieved because she too felt a bit scared and like me struggles with vulnerability.

So earlier tonight (well, last night) we spent the whole night sending each other voice notes and messages on messenger and really started to open up a lot to each other. Despite our intentions to just start really slow, build up friendship etc she sent me a voice note where she says she feels completely safe talking to me and how she doesn't feel embarrassed about saying anything weird or stupid around me and she feels like I'm special etc.
I really appreciate hearing all that, it really made me smile and I feel similarly about her although I don't feel like I extend as much trust to her yet as she does me, I feel like I'm needing to go a little slower and like well actually meet her and have coffee (yes, just coffee!) and maybe go a walk and you know the usual stuff getting to know someone. I feel like she's leaking out a lot of feelings about me already and it's making me feel anxious and erratic despite really liking her so far over the internet.

We're both autistic and so struggle with feelings a lot, identifying them, sitting with them, reflecting on them. I'm so used to either just feeling numb or not much or just shoving them down to not deal with the mess.
She's a very sensitive person with a heart of glass, a bit like Blondie! I guess I'm the same, or maybe my glass heart is walled up with bricks.

I felt really engaged and in tune with our convo tonight until towards the end she suddenly wrote "you make me wanna just snuggle up with you 😉"
Immediately upon reading that I felt a kind of tingling feeling in my chest, stomach and...down there 😳but I also felt it mingled with a really erratic unpleasant energy, anxiety I think. So much for taking it slow! but at the same time I felt enticed by her desire and a little bit aroused, wtf I haven't even met her! she hasn't met me!

I really wanna meet up with her and we will, we plan to on Monday, she asked if we could go skipping stones in a loch somewhere and I said I'd love to!
I'm just anxious that she's gonna want or feel compelled to move a lot faster than I'm ready for, I mean emotionally, and I'm also worried that the low level arousal/lust might quickly intensify between us into an escalation that might leave us both feeling confused or hurt?
Why is this so confusing?

She also has a primary school aged daughter, I love kids and will love meeting her but I've been single and not really had kids in my life for a long time, I'm worried I've forgotten how to even interact with them 😕I'm worried that like I'll either baby talk her or I dunno get all existential over her lego set, wait what age is Peppa pig? Bratz? I'm so clueless around kids 😕What if snuggles leads to more of them 😳

Seriously though, I know this is long but any uhhh advice? insight? I don't even know what I'm asking for really I'm just feeling so erratic and arrgghhh

Good post @pinkdelight .

I agree with every word.

I would def arrange to meet up for a coffee sooner rather than later….. and see how well you vibe with each other in person. Be really honest with her about how you feel after - if you like her and want to get to know her, but it’s all a bit too fast and overwhelming for you, then just tell her that - you like her and you need to take things a little slower.

And please don’t worry about meeting the child any time soon - it’s very unwise to introduce a new love interest to your child until you feel secure that the relationship is going to be long-term. So if she suggests meeting up with her child soon, you could be the one to suggest that it’s not a great idea when you have only just met. Keep meeting up (dating if you decide to) just the two of you for at least 6+ months before thinking about meeting her child.

Sounds like you've found that rare thing called mutual attraction. Enjoy it! Don't over-think it.

The stuff about meeting her children is WAAAAYYYYYY down the line so not worth thinking about yet. Use condoms when it gets to intimacy. Insist on that until you've discussed having children together. Like I say, that's waaay down the line yet.

I think it's lovely that you've met someone who's "on the same emotional page" as you.

Thanks all! too many replies to reply to individually but they're all great!
I expressed to her tonight in the most open and gentle way I could that I do need thing to go slow. She seemed to respond well and agreed but I get the sense that she may take a little bit of time to come out her shell again in our online convos as I think it's maybe made her feel a little bit like she's been too much? I did already express to her though that I'll still be here if that happens, I've no desire to be THAT kid at the petting station who tries to pull the tortoise out it's shell, it just results in pain and possibly damage.

I think we will both need to make efforts to reduce our info dumping tendencies around each other, especially around special interests. I think it's important to spend time around each other in our body and emotions and not just the mind, so we can be more present and really experience each other fully to make meaningful character assessments and get a sense of each other. If we just spend all our time nerding out about everything dissecting the details and contemplating the big picture of this that and the next thing, how much room does that leave for noticing things about each other, I personally feel that we can learn as much if not more by being around someone in silence and tuning into our awareness of those non verbal energies.

Thankfully my special interests are human psychology, philosophy and spirituality, so although I'm not naturally in sync with people and I'm slow on the communicative uptake and miss many cues - I am very reflective and do have a decent amount of insight that I try to draw on to compensate for my lack of intuition.

The idea of producing babies absolutely terrifies me as much as I'm filled with curiosity about it, should it ever get to that stage which it may well not. She already has a school aged daughter and may not want more.
I also feel conflicted about gifting her my dna to produce autistic/adhd babies, I mean what a gift! A double whammy from each of us.
I know how much I struggle with my neurodivergence, would I be doing the wrong thing in ever breeding considering my damaged neurology is likely to be passed along? This is not a bait question at all btw, I'm genuinely conflicted by it and have been for a long time.

This ^
OP, what’s CEN?

Be certain of your own boundaries and manage your expectations.

It's nothing until you've met in person so if you want to continue, arrange that sooner rather than later so you know who you're actually speaking to as a real life person. Until then, your imagination is filling in the gaps for each of you and potentially making the connection into something it's not. I've done a lot of online dating and so many times have thought 'hmm, this could be a maybe' until we meet, when there is zero spark. You just don't know until you meet.

If this is all too much and you would rather not meet, that is fine. Listen to that instinct and let her know you'd be happier chatting as friends for now. But if you do, please, go for a coffee in public. Assure her the lochs aren't going anywhere. You can do that anytime in future.

She doesn't sound like a dirty old man from your update. But she does sound as though she gets carried away sharing about herself which may feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable in person and you may wish to be somewhere you can keep a steering hand on the time/ activity such as 'right, shall I get us one more cuppa before I have to go? The cat will need feeding in an hour (for example)'.

On here, women dating with kids usually agree that it's best not to introduce a new partner for a long while. A good 6 months. This is for the children's benefit so they don't get attached to a new man in case it doesn't work out, as well as in case he is not pleasant. I would set this as a boundary as far as her daughter is concerned if she doesn't.

If she brings up DV again at an early stage, I'm not suggesting you shut her down abruptly but I would ask whether she has engaged in any therapy at all rather than assume a supportive role. It's not appropriate at this stage. Women's Aid resources, her GP, the Freedom Programme, Rape Crisis counselling and resources if it was sexual, may be things for her to look at if she hasn't already. I mean her, not you. I'm suggesting ways for you to constructively signpost her towards proper help rather than trauma dumping without feeling as through you're cutting her off. I don't mean get involved in the process.

If I'm perfectly honest, I understand it may not be fully in her control (I have ADHD so am ND too, I hope this doesn't sound insensitive) but she seems to move at her own pace a lot which is like a runaway train. So you need to be certain to move no faster than yours. In love or sex, the couple moves at the pace of the slower. I would prepare yourself for the possibility of this being quite a short lived hyper- focus too. You've not met and she has gone quite overboard in what she has expressed. I wouldn't be that surprised if it ends as quickly as it started. It may become something lovely, just try not to take it personally if it doesn't. I don't mean stay on your guard forever, just don't get too involved emotionally until you've met and it becomes established.

You both have the capacity to fall hard and fast. Equally you may have the capacity to fall out equally fast.

That would be painful for one of you.

I would suggest living in the moment, not rushing to decide what this is, just enjoying each experience as it happens- and suggest it to her as well. That way it is not a criticism of anyone going too fast.

Bear in mind she has bad experiences and you may lack experience- best to just take it one chat or meeting at a time.

Perhaps remind her that you saying ‘I’m not ready yet’, isn’t saying she’s going too fast. She’s just ready for things before you are.

Childhood emotional neglect. I was raised in care ages 7-16, my parents couldn't handle my outrageous and violent behaviours and my terrorising the neighbourhood as a child. In a way in much like this woman's 7 year old autistic daughter, she too apparently has violent outbursts.

I must say though, I'm not at all like that as an adult, I'm a pacifist.

We've had a couple video chats since and get on well, we're both very similar in that we're quirky, long winded and a bit awkward. I think it's cute in a way but I'm well aware there's many aspects to relationships and I'm also aware that I lack experience in relationships practically, emotionally and sexually. I suspect she may be very similar in that regard though which makes me feel more at ease - in fact she said "no man has ever taken an interest in her or found her attractive". I told her that in surprised as I find her very attractive to look at and that she has a nice personality.

I did steer the conversation in another direction when she then said on video chat "oh wow that kinda does things when you say that, if you know what I mean", I knew fine well what she meant but I'm absolutely not comfortable in going there with her yet, I need to know someone and feel trust and respect (and commitment) before I can have sex with them, it's fine though, I'm comfortable being uncomfortable but I did need to re-emphasize my above stance. Maybe she just assumes that because I'm a guy I'd want it upfront and quickly? I'm really not that type of guy, my arousal depends on emotional connection as much as physical attraction.

She really does seem lovely though, if a bit hard on herself for the things she can't manage. She also seems to struggle greatly as a single parent to a violent autistic 7 yr old daughter, totally understandable! That doesn't scare me I come from a very similar background.

She struggles with self doubt and often worries that her overshares will put her off me or that I'll find her "too weird", I do my best to reassure her that I'm very, very open minded and keen to see the real woman she is, so I frequently encourage her to express openly and to try to unmask when in video calls. I also try to reassure her that I will never scorn or criticize any aspect of her nature and that if I felt something needed to be addressed then I wouldn't hesitate but I'd do this tactfully as a two way conversation involving her feedback until we found solution or compromise.

I feel like the best way to get to know her and guage potential direction is for us to both be as open, honest and nonjudgmental as possible.

We have a few strong common interests such as weightlifting and hiking and we're both very interested in personal development and mindfulness, so that's good!

I will go at the pace I'm comfortable with, whilst checking in with myself if I seem to be going too slow, I do lack confidence in starting friendships/relationships and I'm quite nervous about meeting her in person tomorrow, but I think SHE is more nervous.

All in all I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I will update and let everyone know how we got on in person ☺️

I just want to add that whilst I feel like I have an ok cognitive understanding of emotions, the "actually feeling" bit is where I can struggle, I often struggle to tune in and interpret my emotions and physical feelings on the fly, sometimes I'm overwhelmed by too many, sometimes I can't access them and sometimes I'm conflicted between several. It all just seems an icky gooey mess at times.

I've explained this to her and she expressed that she also struggles in these areas, so I said that in building friendship and whatever else, we may have to painstakingly communicate EXACTLY what we think and feel is occuring and explore what that is and why, if we get stuck. I suspect we may have to assess, articulate and express with each other to a degree that would make an NT scratch their eyes out in exasperation. Communication is vital.

Good luck today @CanLoveBeSafe I hope you get on really well in person. Remember to keep going at your own pace and don’t be pushed into anything you aren’t comfortable with too quickly.

Say you are meeting up for a coffee at 10am, would it help to tell her (at the beginning, or before you meet) that you have an appointment you need to be at 12pm so that you can spend max 90 mins together on the first meeting? So that if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed you have an excuse to get away at a certain time without her being offended. And even if you are getting on like a house on fire, it might help to keep the first meeting short and not drag on to the point where either of you feels uncomfortable.

Yes good point 🙂
I suggested it's perhaps not wise to meet at her house as she doesn't know me, so instead I am picking her up from a medical appointment/surgery at 1:30, she said she doesn't want to meet in a cafe as that involves sitting across from each other and a lot of eye contact, she said she'd really struggle with that and especially close up. I totally understand and noticed she struggled maintaining it on video, I explained to her that I understand as I hold far too much eye contact and forget to look away 😂 which can freak people out.

So we've settled on a drive round and round her hometown which is just next to mine, so she still knows where she is and still feels safe, there's lots of temporary lights and traffic there at the minute so being stuck in traffic jams in her own town means she knows where she is, still feels safe and can sit facing forward to avoid eye contact until she becomes more comfortable in maintaining it with me. Then I can drop her off at her local supermarket.

How did your meet up go @CanLoveBeSafe ?

Well first of all meet her already !
i hope that the chemistry is the same in real life !

with regards to her kids there is NO rush to meet her , leave that for much later down the line

I really hope it’s a good meeting

OP you are over analysing - using learnt cognitive knowledge to compensate for seemingly innate and instinctive NT common sense.

It's not just that you may be her special interest but she may be your special interest - with her misunderstood 'violent' autistic daughter holding particular resonance for you.

You talk about having children of your own but are concerned with your genetic inheritance. Which is normal. But you are young and seem open or even wanting children to be in your future. Your friend is 41. She already is a single parent to a child with challenging needs. This is a hard path and not hypothetical. Is she open to having another/more?

Maybe this woman (and her child) are not for you.

But your ability to connect proves that you do not to have to live alone and may have a lot to offer as a potential partner and father.

Hey sorry I didn't update did I?

It went great! We really connected well!
I picked her up from her medical appointment as it were a neutral place (she has diabetes) and took her to Dobbies where we fed the big massive Carp in the indoor pond, this was a fun experience and we were kinda shy around each other but gradually opened up.
We had a coffee in the cafe and chatted, we kind of sat at an angle so we could both look out the window instead of feeling compelled to make consistent eye contact (though we did after like ten minutes). I then dropped her off somewhere near her street.

We then met again last Monday for a coffee in a cafe in her own town (she lives one town along from me) and again we connected really well!

Our next meet is today! We have had many more messenger convos and quite a few video calls since then and I discovered more about her that we have in common, such as that she LOVES beaches, hiking and she really loves camping and campfires, these are all things I love too! It fills me with so much happiness that we're so similar!

She shared with me yesterday that she isn't very sexually experienced and feels self conscious about us getting to that stage, I told her that particular insecurity is mutual and that I too am not particularly sexually experienced and that I feel very comforted by that similarity too! We both feel we can really relax into it knowing that once we get to that stage!

We already have a lot of feeling for each other and we're both feeling quite nervous about "snuggling" quite yet as we both feel our energies around each other could quite quickly turn from cosy to sexual and we're not ready for that yet emotionally.

We've agreed to go slowly for various reasons, one of them being that we've both experienced childhood emotional neglect and neither of us has experienced much love since, she probably has more experience of love than I do through her 7yr old daughter. I have more relationship experience than her as she broke off quite quickly from her DD dad whereas I was with my ex for 7 years from age 21 until 2019, it was a loveless relationship however.

I have a 16yr old step son from that relationship and I'm still friendly with my ex, I'm really feeling confused and conflicted about this and don't want a new partner to feel threatened by that, so we'll need to have that discussion too and me and my ex will probably no longer meet for the occasional coffee as that doesn't feel right now. I'm not sure how SHE will react to that however.

I'm a very emotional and quite sensitive person as is my new interest, we're well matched in that way too but in spite of this I still feel quite rattled and really vulnerable to "letting someone in", that's what a fucked up loveless childhood does to a person I guess, but she's experienced very similar to me in that respect and from the start we have been communicating our thoughts, feelings and insecurities VERY well and reassuring and comforting each other.

I really, really like her! I like her so much already it's unreal and I know she feels the same about me ....but, I'm actually crying as I type this because love hurts, I'm a very emotionally damaged person who needs therapy to heal childhood wounds, I AM going to start therapy very soon but I hope my scars don't get in the way of progressing in our relationship.

She used to be a social worker so she is REALLY understanding and good with this stuff and is very open about her own trauma. She also didn't care about my old self harm scars that were visible on cam, she pointed them out but showed compassion and not reproach. She's amazing! 😍 I feel inspired by her and mesmerized at how pretty she is to me, inside and out. We both just want to lay down next to each other and feel our breath on skin, I just want to stroke her face and show her a love I so want from her, but I'm liable to split open and flood rather than ease open gracefully and trickle... We both know we have to take things slow.

The child thing we've agreed will come later, I will meet her daughter when the time is right, but not now.
Should things continue to progress so well then in time I'd be happy to take on her daughter as my own, I see them as a package 😊 but again I really really need to heal my emotional wounds before that point.

Well, I hope this wasn't too long 😕

Thanks so much, it went great ! See my long update to HarriotStyles

Your fourth paragraph upsets me, I'm not entirely sure why though because you could be right or wrong.

Yes her daughter's childhood strikes similar to mine in my mind, and in reality. But I'm not naive enough to believe it'd be an easy fairytale adoption, I know how hard it is for her mum to manage her behaviours (punching, kicking, spitting, throwing food, breaking things) but that wouldn't put me off, it wouldn't phase me or shock me - but I know how utterly exhausting it must be and of how the adults in my life must have felt so exhausted and consumed by my chaotic childhood behaviours.

She hasn't yet discussed with me whether she'd be open to more but I think she would be. She's 41 though so could be closing in on her window of fertility?? So long as I make progress in healing my own complex trauma and continuing to develop as a person, I would very much be open to the idea of having children, down the line.

The prospect scares me in that sense that I suspect most people ponder of "what if I mess them up?", it's no small thing having a kid and I totally get that, but if this woman keeps revealing more of her wonderful nature to me and our connection continues to grow so beautifully then honestly I think I might be overwhelmed by the urge to make and raise babies with her 😌. That is all down the line though, please don't panic 😄

It's difficult for me because my parents really weren't. Thankfully though, I WAS in a sense shown what good and loving parenting looks like by the care staff team that raised me from ages 7-16, to this day I still deeply admire and respect the professional parenting they bestowed upon us, they couldn't fix what was broken in me, but they showed love and compassion and a solid example of what good parenting is, and THAT style is precisely the style I always tried to emulate with my step son. Unfortunately, my ex had very different ideas about parenting and partly paved the way to our split.

This woman I'm getting to know (and admittedly falling for) appears to have very similar ideas as me with regards parenting, her style and parental values align quite similarly with those of the care staff team that raised me, another reason I'm more than a bit smitten with her. To this day I still visit my old institution now and then and I still gush to them about how much admiration, respect and love I have for the way they raised us kids.

What a lovely update 🥰 that’s just made my day, and I don’t even know you! I love love and it’s really heartwarming to hear when people meet someone who could be their match. It sounds like you have a lot of common interests and you both seem very able to communicate your feelings and what you need - that’s so rare in an early relationship. Just keep going at a pace that you are comfortable with. And therapy sounds like a great idea, I had a really shitty childhood and therapy has been a godsend to me. Unresolved issues from childhood can really mess with your ability to form healthy relationships as an adult. Keep us updated on how it’s all going forwards xx

Thanks Harriet! You're so lovely ☺️

Yes it really does mess with our ability to have healthy adult bonds, it creates barriers within us doesn't it.

I've always suspected I suffer from complex PTSD/trauma but last night kinda confirmed it, I was lying in bed thinking about her as I was going to sleep and suddenly my warm gooey feelings morphed quickly into a sensation of panic and a flood of tears, I then spent over an hour breaking down and shaking and crying and it was quite messy and VERY sudden and unexpected, letting her in is triggering a panicky trauma response and that's an unexpected response that means we're going to have to go quite slow! To which she agrees.

I believe love is healing though, and that proper therapy and her love could both heal me, but going too fast will leave me feeling unsafe, confused and an emotional mess. But she knows this and has her own issues with trauma so we are both being very supportive and compassionate towards each other.
I do have a feeling our relationship could evolve to be incredibly deep soul level stuff, we just gots ta go slow.

Thanks so much again Harriet, your response was so lovely 🫂