The plot? He's lost it

HesLostHisLastMarble · 2024-02-14T21:38:45+00:00

He's lost the plot. Walks past me with his nose in the air for a week and a half then all of a sudden spits an angry "Morning" at me this morning. And now he's acting like nothing's happened(?!) Asking me if I want dinner and bringing me flowers and chocolates and saying "happy valentines day'??! When he hasn't been fucking speaking to me or acknowledging my existence for days? Like he's not been ignoring me. Like his not talking to me meant me taking ^both^ kids to the hospital on Monday, making DD miss a day of school for no reason. And making me miss my class. Not to mention how difficult its been arranging DDs upcoming birthday while not communicating with her other parent. I offered - weeks ago - to ask the hospital to change the appointment to the Wednesday - when the kids are off school anyway for mid-terms. But he said he'd take DS. Instead I had to take the ^two^ of them. And while we were at the hospital - 8:30am to 8:20pm - he didnt empty the bins, didn't wash a single dish, obviously didn't make the kids lunches for school on Tuesday. Didn't tidy anything. Didn't clean anything. How is he justifying this in his own head? Then he still didn't speak to me on Tuesday. ^I^ emptied the bins. ^I^ brought the bin out on Wednesday morning. ^I^ did the mountain of dishes. Then, pow, out of nowhere, suddenly he's talking to me again??! And, what, I'm supposed to pretend nothing happened? Like he doesn't let us down in almost every possible way. Like he didn't leave a disgusting 'present' for me in the toilet on Tuesday morning. Like I didn't come home from a whole day at the hospital to a filthy house with no room to prepare food. What the fuck is wrong with this... 'malevolent prescence'. That's how I think of him. As a malevolent presence.

Eyesopenwideawake · 14/02/2024 21:40

What practical/legal steps can you take to end this relationship?

MissPeachyKeen · 14/02/2024 21:41

Well you know the 3 little words we're all going to say...

DoILookThrilled · 14/02/2024 21:41

He needs to go. Moody lazy twat

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/02/2024 21:42

LTB

C1N1C · 14/02/2024 21:43

So what's the problem? No card?

Original poster

HesLostHisLastMarble · 14/02/2024 21:43

I would love to never have to have anything to do with him ever again but, he's not the type to go quietly. I've already asked him to leave. He's ignored me, laughed at me and threatened me (I've asked more than once). He's said I can leave but I'm not taking his kids. It's unbelievable! He never bothers with them when they're in the same room!

OP posts:

Porfirio · 14/02/2024 21:45

He's a waste of space.

Do not sink to his pathetic level but openly discuss that you are not going to continue this idiotic farce and allow your children to grow up in this damaging atmosphere.

MissPeachyKeen · 14/02/2024 21:46

See, now he's sounding abusive...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

2Old2Tango · 14/02/2024 21:46

My husband used to behave like this OP. I'd get the silent treatment for hours or days at a time, and often I didn't even know what I'd done to deserve it. He would never explain. Then all of a sudden he'd snap out of it and I was expected to act as though everything was hunky dory again.

Don't be me. I suffered this for years and years and wasted so much of my life being ignored.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 14/02/2024 21:47

First, buy a dishwasher.
Second, get rid of the asshole.

stonedaisy · 14/02/2024 21:48

I wouldn't be putting up with this.

Quitelikeit · 14/02/2024 21:50

What a vile pathetic disgusting human he is

I’d rather rock up at the council and go to a B&B than expose my children to such a vile monster.

Can you talk to anyone in real life about this?

Original poster

HesLostHisLastMarble · 14/02/2024 21:50

2Old2Tango · 14/02/2024 21:46

My husband used to behave like this OP. I'd get the silent treatment for hours or days at a time, and often I didn't even know what I'd done to deserve it. He would never explain. Then all of a sudden he'd snap out of it and I was expected to act as though everything was hunky dory again.

Don't be me. I suffered this for years and years and wasted so much of my life being ignored.

That's exactly what's happening! You'd think nothing happened. I don't want to have an argument where I detail all the reasons why I do not wish to speak to him. Ever again. There would be NO point. I have (finally) realised that he's not going to suddenly decide to become a decent human being. Certainly not off the strength of anything I might say.

OP posts:

AllEars112232 · 14/02/2024 21:51

HesLostHisLastMarble · 14/02/2024 21:43

I would love to never have to have anything to do with him ever again but, he's not the type to go quietly. I've already asked him to leave. He's ignored me, laughed at me and threatened me (I've asked more than once). He's said I can leave but I'm not taking his kids. It's unbelievable! He never bothers with them when they're in the same room!

Go and get legal advice. He doesn’t get to call the shots, you have options you just need to explore what they are!

Jellykat · 14/02/2024 21:51

Control .. and like @2Old2Tango i endured the same for 12 years, it wont get any better so dont waste your time anymore, life is too short!

Quitelikeit · 14/02/2024 21:51

That’s the cycle of abuse btw

Mr Nasty, Mr Nice, Mr Bastarding horrible C*^t, Mr Nice for a day

And on it goes

Raspberrymoon49 · 14/02/2024 21:54

He won’t change OP, if anything he’ll become more abusive, please start making plans to leave

StarDolphins · 14/02/2024 21:55

I had the same, not silent treatment but aggressive ranting & shouting (with his horrible bright red, scrunched up face) then like the flick of switch when he decided, it was all ok again. Nope, no way was I bringing up my child in that. So I left, never looked back & we have a lovely, calm happy home.

This will get worse op & you deserve so much more. So do your children.

Original poster

HesLostHisLastMarble · 14/02/2024 22:02

I've been reading this thread recently

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4881368-to-have-told-him-i-want-a-divorce?page=1

I am utterly miserable and my self esteem is through the floor but I have the kids to consider. DS is autistic as well as having chronic health issues. He wouldn't handle upheaval very well.

He doesn't have any sense of a tense 'atmosphere'.

To have told him I want a divorce | Mumsnet

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised. We have been together 18 years and...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4881368-to-have-told-him-i-want-a-divorce?page=1

OP posts:

userzH · 14/02/2024 22:21

The scariest place to be is the exact same place you were in last year - something needs to change.

I'm 5 months out. Leaving my abusive ex husband is by far the scariest things I've ever done. 100%. It's still scary now. But I'm out. The kids are out too.

He wont change, you will remain miserable.

Just prepare yourself for the following things though:

love bombing
promises of change
crying/emootional blackmail
threats of self harm
anger/ abusive language etc
harassment/stalking behaviour

I used to get all the above on a daily basis. It's exhausting but you can do it.

If you do decide to try again then things will be good for the first week or 2 but then he will get worse.

Good luck x

AllEars112232 · 15/02/2024 06:44

HesLostHisLastMarble · 14/02/2024 22:02

I've been reading this thread recently

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4881368-to-have-told-him-i-want-a-divorce?page=1

I am utterly miserable and my self esteem is through the floor but I have the kids to consider. DS is autistic as well as having chronic health issues. He wouldn't handle upheaval very well.

He doesn't have any sense of a tense 'atmosphere'.

I mean this with best intentions @HesLostHisLastMarble , but you are finding excuses to stay, when you have plenty of reasons to leave.
Your DS will ultimately be better if you leave, although the process may be difficult. It’s like pulling a plaster off, just rip it off in one goe, don’t try to lift the sticky edges!

Original poster

HesLostHisLastMarble · 15/02/2024 07:51

@AllEars112232 No, I know. I'm petrified. I get so jealous when I hear about, or read on here about, people leaving their partners and imagining things like split custody. I feel like I couldn't do that to my kids. I wouldn't leave them with him for a weekend (absolutely not judging other people btw, just saying my kids father is a useless stit-stain).

If he, by some miracle, did agree to go I would be worried every time they're with him. That my son needs a nappy change. And that he wouldn't return them. Let's just say he's definitely the type.

If we did run we do have somewhere to go at least but I would have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I'm not sure that's a great life for the kids either. Especially when you have a chronically ill child who needs to be near a hospital and a school with a good asd unit.

The only way he doesn't fit the 'classic' abuser stereotype is that there is absolutely no remorse, no promises of change, no love bombing of any kind. When I got up this morning he'd already left his dishes from last night out. That's how remorseful he is that I had to end up doing the huge load of them yesterday. Not only that but I have a box by the sink to put dishes in, to keep the place tidy looking. How hard is it to put your plate IN the box? Well, he didn't. Put it beside the box. Feels like such a kick in the face. Nevermind him maybe washing his own plate, he can't even put it in the box. It's pure " you do this for me"

Actually I've thought of one more. The stereotype of an abuser being described by others as a 'pillar of the community' type, a 'lovely man'. That's not him. Neighbours, doctor receptionists, school teachers would all describe him as aggressive and volatile. He's so far gone he doesn't even try to hide it. (That's probably a good thing really.)

OP posts:

userzH · 15/02/2024 08:28

HesLostHisLastMarble · 15/02/2024 07:51

@AllEars112232 No, I know. I'm petrified. I get so jealous when I hear about, or read on here about, people leaving their partners and imagining things like split custody. I feel like I couldn't do that to my kids. I wouldn't leave them with him for a weekend (absolutely not judging other people btw, just saying my kids father is a useless stit-stain).

If he, by some miracle, did agree to go I would be worried every time they're with him. That my son needs a nappy change. And that he wouldn't return them. Let's just say he's definitely the type.

If we did run we do have somewhere to go at least but I would have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I'm not sure that's a great life for the kids either. Especially when you have a chronically ill child who needs to be near a hospital and a school with a good asd unit.

The only way he doesn't fit the 'classic' abuser stereotype is that there is absolutely no remorse, no promises of change, no love bombing of any kind. When I got up this morning he'd already left his dishes from last night out. That's how remorseful he is that I had to end up doing the huge load of them yesterday. Not only that but I have a box by the sink to put dishes in, to keep the place tidy looking. How hard is it to put your plate IN the box? Well, he didn't. Put it beside the box. Feels like such a kick in the face. Nevermind him maybe washing his own plate, he can't even put it in the box. It's pure " you do this for me"

Actually I've thought of one more. The stereotype of an abuser being described by others as a 'pillar of the community' type, a 'lovely man'. That's not him. Neighbours, doctor receptionists, school teachers would all describe him as aggressive and volatile. He's so far gone he doesn't even try to hide it. (That's probably a good thing really.)

The only way he doesn't fit the 'classic' abuser stereotype is that there is absolutely no remorse, no promises of change, no love bombing of any kind. *
*
👆

This is because he doesn't think you will leave or be serious at getting him to leave. It will come once he knows you mean it. I used to say it to my ex and nothing changed because it was all words. I was still there doing everything. Once I got up and left, that's when the fake promises of change started.

He did change....for like 2 weeks.....then he got worse.