Don't find my DH attractive anymore

[notsurehowifeel]

There, I have said it. It has been on my mind for quite a while now and it is affecting my relationship. We have been together about 10 years. He is lovely, a good person, a wonderful father and very caring. I just don't really fancy him anymore. He is not unattractive, but he has put on quite a bit of weight due to ill health (comfort eating and the inability to exercise) and in my head I blame that but I don't think that that can be the whole story. The constant ill health has put a strain on our relationship and it has made him quite selfish in he past but he is working hard to be more thoughtful and is making a bit effort.

I am very confused and the fact this is on my mind so much is having a detrimental effect on our relationship (especially our sex life, I am just not interested). He knows something is wrong but i can't tell him the truth, he would be so upset.

What can I do about it? Do I just accept that this is what happens in relationships or are there things I can do to improve it. I haven't talked about this to anyone and this is the first time I have voiced what is in my head. I do still love him.

Yes, relationships have ups and downs, this is normal and the only way to get through it is to talk to each other - "I feel" rather than "you make me" and to make an effort with each other - doing things together, making time for each other, doing little nice things for each other etc. If you do nothing and let it fester it will drive you apart.
Instead of saying that you don't find him attractive, why not try identifying things that make you unhappy, things you'd want him to do - does he do his fair share around the house? Would you like some time alone together? Something, little thing, he can work on - AND - ask him about you, invite him to tell you how he's feeling and if there's anything he would like to change in the relationship. Perhaps there's things you need to change too.
Feeling like this and doing nothing about it solves nothing. Talk. You say you can't tell him how you feel because it will hurt him but you are letting your silence hurt him because he knows something is wrong but you are not giving him the chance to DO anything about it. You're not protecting his feelings, you're sabotaging your relationship. Are you happy to drift apart beyond the point of no return to save his feelings? How will that help? What's going to hurt more?

You love him, but maybe you need to try to fall "in love" with him again. Go out, have a meal and some fun and you might start to get that initial attraction again.

I have felt the same as you on many occasions,NSHIF. I really believe to make us desire our husbands we have to feel desired.....this kickstarts the old libido!

Is he making an effort with you? You say he has been ill, and you have obviously been supporting him.

I agree with Hassled, spend some fun time together. Pretend you are on a date.

I don't think you have to think 'Phwaorrrr!!' when you look at your dh (I don't!) but it is a deeper kind of attraction. I'm sure you can get it back if you are both committed to it.

I think what you are feeling is quite normal, especially having been together about 10 years. I have been with my dh 18 years (married 14) and I can definitely relate to what you say and my dh has not been ill or put on an excessive amount of weight. We have had other strains on our relationship. I firmly believe this is normal - that strains of one sort or another make you feel less attracted to your partner at times in your life. I also believe that if you can weather the storm, you can come out the other side with a renewed love, and a stronger bond for having been through the tough times together. I wasn't attracted to my dh for years, but I feel the attraction is returning now.

Anyway, the bottom line is, can you imagine yourself not with your dh? For me, apart from in moments of extreme tension, the answer was always no.

I agree that talking is the way forward. Also, try to do something, however small, that reminds you of your early days when the attraction was greatest. In our case, it would be something like a country walk, or a visit to the cinema, or even cooking a certain meal. For me, they are the little triggers that help me to remember and feel again those early feelings.

Can your husband try and loose some of the extra weight? I think you would fancy him more if he was fitter. Please do not be offended though, I understand that the ill health has been an enormous strain on both you and him.

Some great advice here. DH and I are having a tough time at the moment and I would like to try and reignite that initial spark. It's good to read that others have experienced similar feelings.

I really like Dumblesdores question can you imagine yourself not with your dh? as that is the question I have asked myself and the answer has always been a great big fat no - which is good and a start!!

Why did my italics not work?

You have to put the ^ around every single word^ McDreamy and yes it is a pain.

Thanks for seeing something of value in my post and good luck rekindling the flame.