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Original poster

I didn’t get him anything for Valentine’s and I think he’s upset…

15 replies

Clementeenie · 14/02/2024 16:10

Apologies - this long, but don’t want to dropped.
Been with BF for just over 4 years, had been friends for a while before that. We’ve had a really fun time together, our children get along well and have spent a lot of time together including holidays and special occasions. I loved making an effort for special events, days out, etc and give a lot - both emotionally and financially. BF is solid - kind and honest, but I’ve always been a bit doubtful of his long term commitment and have sometimes felt like a bit of a boredom breaker / convenience rather than a serious prospect in his view (despite his many proclamations of love / wanting to be with me forever, etc).
Recently, it all feels a bit pointless, like we’re going through the motions a bit and almost ‘box ticking’ through each week (text in the morning, check. Quick telephone conversation after work, check… etc)
I raised the point around our fourth ‘anniversary’ that we have nothing really to show for our time together - nothing shared, no joint plans for the future, and that I felt a bit sad about it. BF assured me that all was good, that he thinks everything is great, he loves me so much, etc. We carried on. A couple of weeks later, my daughter had a health issue. I was really worried, but BF came across as quite dismissive, cracking a joke and said no more. I felt really let down, and told him so. Asked for some time apart as it felt like he didn’t care. He said he was upset, said he hadn’t realised how serious the medical issue was, and apologised.
Things have ticked along since, but I haven’t felt the same. I’ve pulled back, limited my availability to him and been much less demonstrative. From my point of view, it felt like we were back to a friendship rather than more. Last night I was surprised that he turned up with flowers and a card ready for today (we are not seeing each other today for various reasons). He’s not usually the most romantic or generous person, and because of how I’d been feeling things were between us, hadn’t expected anything. I also hadn’t got anything for him, which is really unlike me - and so think he is shocked that I’ve not bothered.
It wasn’t intended to be a statement on my part or to make any sort of point, I just thought it wasn’t relevant for us this year. What should I do?

OP posts:
Geordielass35 · 14/02/2024 16:26

Clementeenie · 14/02/2024 16:10

Apologies - this long, but don’t want to dropped.
Been with BF for just over 4 years, had been friends for a while before that. We’ve had a really fun time together, our children get along well and have spent a lot of time together including holidays and special occasions. I loved making an effort for special events, days out, etc and give a lot - both emotionally and financially. BF is solid - kind and honest, but I’ve always been a bit doubtful of his long term commitment and have sometimes felt like a bit of a boredom breaker / convenience rather than a serious prospect in his view (despite his many proclamations of love / wanting to be with me forever, etc).
Recently, it all feels a bit pointless, like we’re going through the motions a bit and almost ‘box ticking’ through each week (text in the morning, check. Quick telephone conversation after work, check… etc)
I raised the point around our fourth ‘anniversary’ that we have nothing really to show for our time together - nothing shared, no joint plans for the future, and that I felt a bit sad about it. BF assured me that all was good, that he thinks everything is great, he loves me so much, etc. We carried on. A couple of weeks later, my daughter had a health issue. I was really worried, but BF came across as quite dismissive, cracking a joke and said no more. I felt really let down, and told him so. Asked for some time apart as it felt like he didn’t care. He said he was upset, said he hadn’t realised how serious the medical issue was, and apologised.
Things have ticked along since, but I haven’t felt the same. I’ve pulled back, limited my availability to him and been much less demonstrative. From my point of view, it felt like we were back to a friendship rather than more. Last night I was surprised that he turned up with flowers and a card ready for today (we are not seeing each other today for various reasons). He’s not usually the most romantic or generous person, and because of how I’d been feeling things were between us, hadn’t expected anything. I also hadn’t got anything for him, which is really unlike me - and so think he is shocked that I’ve not bothered.
It wasn’t intended to be a statement on my part or to make any sort of point, I just thought it wasn’t relevant for us this year. What should I do?

@Clementeenie it sounds like there isn't much passion there and the relationship has lost momentum. You could try and alter that by being proactive and making an effort with him - but only if you think it's worth it.

SkiSkii · 14/02/2024 16:34

Not the most romantic or generous is ringing alarm bells for me when you have said that you put in a lot of effort and MONEY. The not caring during a medical crisis is just the icing on the cake.

I wouldn’t turn a hair that he’s shocked, so what.

It sounds like he thinks he’s the princess in the relationship.

trulyunruly01 · 14/02/2024 16:56

I think perhaps you've had some good times together but the fire's out for you. Time to reflect on whether you're looking for a casual boyfriend or an all-or-nothing life partner.

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2024 17:31

Break up with him because you're clearly not interested- its not kind to just withdraw and decide you're more like friends without actually breaking up

GeneCity · 14/02/2024 17:37

How old are you both, and what do you want in the longer term?

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/02/2024 17:45

Does he sense you are withdrawing and he's now trying to make an effort.
Is it too late or do you want to continue the relationship?

Secondstart1001 · 14/02/2024 17:48

The thing I’d say I you refer to him as a BF and not a partner after 4 years ..

acpk55 · 14/02/2024 18:33

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2024 17:31

Break up with him because you're clearly not interested- its not kind to just withdraw and decide you're more like friends without actually breaking up

This ^^, I think you are in the wrong here, in reality you have already moved on but not told him

Newnamesameoldlurker · 14/02/2024 18:45

Let him be shocked. And let him continue to put in effort if he wants to keep you. You've clearly communicated that you're disappointed that the relationship is not progressing, and he's witnessed you pulling back as a consequence. It's a make or break moment for him now. See what he does. Keep your bar high and cut it off if he slips back to low effort.

FinallyFeb · 14/02/2024 18:48

Don’t do anything except decide if you still want to be with him.

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 14/02/2024 19:45

I agree with @Newnamesameoldlurker

Do you still want to be with him?

And @Geordielass35 you don't need to quote the entire Op again - especially as the first poster! We have all read it once that's enough.

Original poster
Clementeenie · 15/02/2024 16:41

Thanks all for your replies, apologies for my delay in coming back.

To answer some questions -

@Geordielass35 I think I’ve made loads of effort and that it’s part of the reason why it feels so unbalanced as he doesn’t do the same

@skiskii at first I didn’t mind as I knew he was paying over & above to his ex for his kids, but it’s become more and more of an expectation and I need to set firmer boundaries around money

@trulyunruly01 the amount of time we’re alone has reduced so that’s had a big impact on intimacy. Things can be really good, but it’s few and far between, sadly

@Shoxfordian I wouldn’t agree I’ve been unkind, just taken a step back as I felt way more invested than him. I’ve been trying to mirror his level of effort, really

@GeneCity we’re both mid-forties. I’ve been clear that I want a meaningful, long term relationship and he’s made all the right noises about wanting the same, but actions aren’t matching up

@reesewithoutaspoon I’m not sure if it’s too late. Things can be amazing, I’m just really confused 😕

@Secondstart1001 I used BF not partner as that’s all we are. We don’t have anything joint, we don’t have future plans and our lives feel very separate when we’re not together

@acpk55 I’m very much holding on and wishing things were deeper between us. I’d like that to develop, but it’s feeling less and less like a possibility so am protecting myself from giving too much and feeling like even more of a fool

@Newnamesameoldlurker @FasterthanaButteredOtter I am curious to see how things go from here…

@FinallyFeb There are so many things I love about him, and when things are good, they’re amazing. He just doesn’t seem to want to give us a chance to develop further. Maybe that’s my answer…

OP posts:
Porfirio · 15/02/2024 16:48

You don't sound like you're that into him and wouldn't be that bothered if you split and he is happy to let the relationship tick along as it is as it's relatively stress free for him not commit any further which it sounds like he hasn't got intention of ever getting more involved with you.

CapitalKnockers · 15/02/2024 21:28

I agree with @Newnamesameoldlurker aswell. I dont think that you're not into him at all, but that you realise you've given too much and the relationship has become unbalanced. I've been there.

I would give him the opportunity to redeem himself in a way you want (is it gifts, or time, or attention, or all of those things?) And if he doesn't step up then it's time to cut losses. A lot of men post-divorce do just want someone to keep them occupied when they don't have their kids and don't want anything more commited than that (again I've been there!). So you need to decide if that's for you if he's one of those men.

JTRSOP · 15/02/2024 22:38

Geordielass35 · 14/02/2024 16:26

@Clementeenie it sounds like there isn't much passion there and the relationship has lost momentum. You could try and alter that by being proactive and making an effort with him - but only if you think it's worth it.

Show quote history

You really don’t need to quote the OP, especially if you’re the first response!

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