WWYD? Rude behaviour at a committee meeting. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

[LeanneFromEpsom]

Hope this isn't too long. I need to set the context. I also wasn't sure where to post it. I guess it's about relationships of sorts. Definitely not AIBU. Sorry for the length.

I'm on a committee with four other people, two women in their 60s, the chair who is a man in his 60s and then another man my own age, and then me. My role is the comms person, which is the simplest and least involved part which works for me because of other commitments. I don't even do the social media, someone else does that. I send out newsletters quarterly and occasional bulletins. The over 60s don't work, I do and so does the guy my age. I have a very demanding full time role with extra committee work for that (four work related committees) on top of it and I also have another part time work commitment on top of all of that, so this small element of committee work suits me. We have committee meetings every 6 weeks or so and I host them at my place of work (to save the cost of hiring a venue). The three older people are very very involved with this. I am committed to it too but my time investment is less for practical reasons.

I send out a newsletter quarterly, it goes out via email and also to those who request it via snail mail. I produce them from articles submitted, the chairperson gets them printed and delivers them for me to put in envelopes (that I go out and buy, along with stamps) and create mailing labels and then go and find a letterbox to post them in.

The last newsletter went out the day I was due back from holiday. I sent it out using the mailing list (email list) and then realised the next day that I hadn't copied in the committee members, so they got a copy the next day. It's easy just to cc them in for next time, but I blame jet lag.

At the committee meeting yesterday one of the other members turned on me asking why I had done that, nobody knew it had gone out and said "I'm going to be rude here you are not very efficient." I'd just worked a 9 hour day without a break and gone straight to this meeting from 6.30 - 8pm after also getting some very bad news about a family member. The other woman joined in. The men just looked on.

The thing is she is probably right, I didn't do a brilliant job last time. I accept that. But that was not the forum to raise it in front of everyone as a personal attack. I had the wind taken out of me and I didn't even respond, just nodded. She does a great job on the committee herself, but I chose this role because of the time factor. I see this as bullying, and she was right, she was rude.

If I challenge her, either 1-1 or in the group, then I think the other members might gang up on me. I think the chair was remiss in not stepping in. I'm usually very good at standing up for myself but yesterday I was just exhausted. On top of all that, I was using public transport and there was a breakdown there, resulting in me getting home at midnight. That's not her fault but it added to the crapness of the day. If I don't say anything then I'm not setting boundaries.

WWYD?

The words "arse ", "up" and "shove" come to mind.......

I think @steppemum has summarised everything
Ideally the best time to say something was them- something along the lines of "yes that was rude."
Now that time has passed its up to you

Either let it go for now but be prepared to say something if that person starts again, and have examples ready
Or take it to the chair
Or just quit.

Which of these you decide depends on how much you want to stay on the committee which only you can decide.

I'd have said "You know what, you are right, I am utter shite and this and I cannot be bothered any more. You do it from now on, I am off." and left. I did this with a play group I was coerced into running and it was such a massive weight off my shoulders. It is one thing to do an undesirable task for free for community sake but when they start bollocking you it is time for a reassessment.

Sounds like a dinosaur.

This, probably also saying that the format of the email addresses wasn’t your mistake and that you’ve also corrected multiple mistakes in the submitted content, without saying who, so they can all stew. Then resign.

I'd want to resign immediately and let them sort their own stuff.

However if it is something you care about and you don't want to give it up, I'd speak to them or the chair. If you feel strong enough, phone them for a chat or even send a preemptive email like "I'd like to talk about your comments, as you know I work FT etc" and see if she's conciliatory.

Or speak to the chair and get them to have a word.

If none of this works, fuck em and resign.

I think your oversight (and it is an oversight, not really an error, or mistake) doesn’t make you inefficient. It makes you human. I think mentioning it was spiteful, and petty. They received the bulletin, what? less than 24 hours after you emailed it?

Only you know if the subject was raised in a vindictive way. You were there, you heard her tone. And if it was done without good intentions, then you’d be justified in raising it with her, maybe via an email, if you feel you could convey your message better that way. She was rude, and unfair, if the newsletter thing is the only issue she is referencing regarding your inefficiency.

I think I’d leave them to it. How important is this group to you?

Leave.

Nobody has the right to humiliate you like that, let alone in front of everyone.

How important is this committee to you?

If not very rewarding I’d just let them know you are leaving. Let them find someone else to do your work AND supply a meeting venue.

Either quit or raise this with the Chair. It's then incumbent on the Chair to speak to the offending member (though they should have raised it during the meeting).

I work for with very large organisations (think FTSE 100) and you would be amazed at how many senior people have to be told that formal committee meetings are not the the time to harangue junior colleagues or take people to task. People seem a little obsessed with getting things in minutes when actually a polite email gets things in writing without embarrassing someone.

This but in the email put your side of the issue, whilst not admitting any sort of guilt, what you did is not a hanging offence but in the eyes of some committe members it was.

They need to get a grip about what is important in the real world, this clearly wasn't. Did anyone suffer as a result?

The other (maybe better) option is to go to the next meeting and just before it starts as everyone sits down, hand over your resignation letter with the details above and then walk out.

If you want to stay involved, email the chair and point out that criticising you for inefficiency was inappropriate and that he should have intervened at the time. Ask him to remind committee members that some people are contributing on top of full time work and family commitments.

If you don’t want to stay involved, email as above but cc the whole committee. Suggest they don’t criticise future volunteers for occasional mistakes that are immediately corrected and learn how to raise concerns in a more professional manner.

@Lighteningstrikes I didn't feel humiliated or upset, more shocked that someone would do something so inappropriate. @pickledandpuzzled I have emailed the chair and told him that I find it out of order using a lot of advice and wording from our friendly mumsnetters!

Being on a committee always sucks. People get filled with their own self importance.

You need a thick skin and not afraid to dish shit out yourself.

I would bin that committee off. You sent the email on time. The committee got their email one day later. That is not even a big deal! Also I would step back so you have more time for yourself. You work full time and are facilitating the other committees for work. The extra committee can do one! Pour yourself a gin!

I would have reminded them in a telling-off voice that this is a voluntary position and that I wasn’t giving up my free time to be spoken to like that.

I do find people that fill their lives with all this stuff become martyr types and get a funny air or importance. Don’t become one of them. Sack it off and concentrate on places that appreciate your efforts.

Praise in public and chide in private - if at all.

Them’s the rules

@Mumsnut praise it depends on the individual. Some people find it embarrassing to be praised too much in front of their peers. Can certainly praise someone on a one to one basis.

Chide in private - 100% agree.

Did you resign in your email? Is this something you honestly want to continue with?

I would resign. 'I'm standing down as I have a lot going on in my life, with work and other commitments, and I'm clearly not able to provide the levels of perfection required by the committee. I've done my best, and think I've done a good job of it, but am happy to stand aside so the committee can find someone is more able to deliver as required'.

Me, I would email the whole committee that you are extremely upset at the rude and bullying way you were spoken to

unlike some other members you have two jobs and volunteer for this role, one mistake was made that was quickly rectified and did not warrant the rudeness.

unless you get an apology from xxxx and an assurance this will not happen again you will be resigning

and mean it, let them find someone else and some other venue

I dont give any of my precious resources (time, money, energy) to places that are rude. I would tell them you are not willing to be spoken to like that, can accept that the other demands on your time mean you are not always as on top of things as you would like, but rudeness will never be tolerated.

I had this a few years ago with someone saying I wasn't very good at something in a Volunteering role, (I was actually very good) he really didn't like me and was very pompous
I asked him very calmly 'could you do a better job then?'
He guffawed and said yes
So I got up, grabbed my bag and coat and trilled 'all yours! I won't be back' and sashayed out...

I have a very mixed relationship with volunteering, finding it brilliant, fascinating and utterly infuriating in equal measure.

Two thoughts - assuming that you want to continue volunteering:

I notice that organisations do almost expect the same degree of performance from volunteers as from paid workers. Perhaps not the same amount of work, but they expect it to be on-time, good quality and error free. I am not saying that is right, but it seems to be the case.

Bearing that in mind, it is really helpful to manage expectations and set out your stall early on. So in the case of the newsletter being due the day after coming back from holiday, I would have probably arranged in advance to delay it by two or three days. That way you are putting less pressure on yourself.

Hope the chair responds in a helpful way.

Yes I would say it to the Chair. Op I hated committees was temping in a sports club. Full of crap and politics ha. I think it could have been handled better. Hope u ok