I Don't Want to Hurt Her Feelings

[GR8GAL]

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice on how I can sensitively tell my mother that I don't want her to buy furniture for my new home?

For some context, after years of renting and saving my partner and I have finally gotten the date to move into our dream home and we could not be happier, it looks like we might be spending the Summer renovating. I've been designing my home in my head for as long as I can remember and drawing floor plans since I was old enough to hold a pencil. My mum is ecstatic for us, but my sister-in-law told me she found her looking at furniture on FB marketplace and I'm worried she's going to try to "help" furnish my new house.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but the last thing I want, after looking forward to this for literally decades, is for something to show up at the house that doesn't fit in with what we have in mind and for someone else to force their own ideas into my plan. She can be very pushy and takes things very personally, and has a bad habit of dropping off second-hand stuff from her own house with no notice thinking she's being helpful (it isn't), so I'm trying to drop hints in any way I can. I've told her I have Pinterest boards with my ideas and have specific colours/themes in mind.

She's had three properties to design to her liking throughout her life. This is my turn. How can I politely ask her not to buy things on impulse "cos I thought you'd like it"?

Just tell her, be respectful and polite. Done.

People like your mother do not get hints, you know this already. And she likely does not do polite either.

You are going to have to be blunt with her given her thick skin and bloody mindedness into getting her own way. I would tell her outright (and use your partner as back up/moral support here; after all it is your partner's home too) that any furniture she buys without consultation will not be accepted in your new home.

If she cannot behave decently then she should not see you or your partner at all.

It does seem like the obvious thing doesn't it?

I've done the respectful and polite thing before and got called a selfish b*tch for it. In front of my neighbours. After turning away a bag of light bulbs and batteries that my mum got a bargain on and showed up (unnanounced) to give them to me, I didn't need them (cos I'm an adult and have spares already) nor had the space to store them in our tiny rented apartment.

I think its unavoidable though. Like @AttilaTheMeerkat says, she doesn't get hints.

It's a shame, I feel like she's been making an effort to be less nasty lately and we've been getting on, but perhaps that's just her thinking she can walk all over me like she used to.

You're dead right. I think it's unavoidable. I've made the point of telling her that myself and my partner are on the same page about our design plans, and he has my back 100%. I was just hoping there was a better way of dealing with a narcissistic mother with the personality of a stroppy teenager.

If anyone ever figures it out be sure to let the rest of us know!

Another obvious suggestion from me OP, go no contact. Or, very low contact. She sounds awful. You are not a child and you do not need to accommodate the tantrums of an adult!

Well, what would you prefer, your mother to have hurt feelings because you've asked her not to buy you furniture, or to end up with a new house chockful of large items of furniture that are not to your taste?

I was just hoping there was a better way of dealing with a narcissistic mother with the personality of a stroppy teenager.

If anyone ever figures it out be sure to let the rest of us know!

In your heart you know there is no easy way to tell her, you're going to have to be blunt or buy a shed to stuff it full of her stuff lOL! Be firm, it's been your dream for years, it's your turn now and as a by the way, she might pull a strop, not talk to you, call you names but it won't last and she will have got the message. You can say it as nicely as you want but get the message across.