Help me end this marriage

[Helpmeendthisnow]

Long story short, DH is emotionally abusive, I’ve had enough & have given him an ultimatum. He either stops the abuse & gets help to understand why he behaves this way (unlikely as he never thinks he’s done anything wrong) or we use a mediator to sort out how to divorce/divide assets/split childcare (as we’d never be able to agree this ourselves).

The likely outcome is that he will blame me for being ‘over sensitive’ and ‘over reactive’ and carry on as if nothings happened, so I need to initiate the split.

It might sound stupid, but what happens next? I’m self employed, earn £30k & have no savings. DH earns significantly more & has investments. He will definitely refuse to leave the house so I’ll have to move out, but how do I do this without any money? And will it go against me in any legal procedure if I’m the one who leaves?

I’m not in any hurry - I’m willing to play the long game to get what I need for myself & DC - but I don’t know how to walk away without any funds.

How many kids, what ages, how long married, how do you manage marital finances? What do you envisage happening to the house long term - him buying you out? And child arrangements?

Do make sure you have info on his salary, pensions, investments etc before you make any big announcements.

@olderbutwiser thank you. One DC age 9. Married for 13 years, together for 20. His salary & my earnings are paid into a joint account for mortgage, bills etc. He handles all big financial decisions like savings etc. I handle day-to-day spending (utilities, food etc.). He spends way more than me on hobbies, clothes etc. but doesn’t control what I spend (mainly because my outgoings are tiny).

We would either need to sell the house or he would need to buy me out. I don’t earn enough to take on the mortgage so I don’t see how I could stay. I do practically all the childcare, family admin, house management - I’ve no idea how this would work after a split because he works long hours but I definitely don’t want an arrangement where I have DC during the week & he gets to be fun weekend dad.

See a solicitor that specialises in family law. It seems likely you will have to sell the house, but you mention him being able to buy you out. That might be better because it's very difficult to sell a house when one of the owners doesn't want to!

"Long story short, DH is emotionally abusive, I’ve had enough & have given him an ultimatum. He either stops the abuse & gets help to understand why he behaves this way (unlikely as he never thinks he’s done anything wrong) or we use a mediator to sort out how to divorce/divide assets/split childcare (as we’d never be able to agree this ourselves)".

Your ultimatum is itself problematic. He will never do as you ask and he likely thinks he has done nothing wrong with regards to how he treats you and in turn the kids. It was learnt behaviour and is deeply ingrained within him and likely goes back to his own childhood. Have a look at his parents, chances are one or even both of them are abusive.

Using a mediator as well will be a waste of time primarily because he is abusive, he will want to control the sessions and you are not emotionally safe enough to take part.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. That is what I would concentrate my efforts on rather than than just give an ultimatum that is not going to work. Seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings asap. I would also contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women as the latter can also give some legal advice.

He is going to make the whole process of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible as "punishment" for you having the gall to leave him, in his head he is the all perfect specimen. He will behave the self same after you and he have divorced too; he could use the kids as weapons against you and or continually muck you around re his access to them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, these are good points I hadn’t considered. Yes I believe from what I’ve been told (DH never talks about childhood) that his father was also emotionally abusive. You’re right, he will most likely never accept that he is in any way at fault and it’s likely he will blame me (the one & only time we tried marriage therapy he sat there & said that I invented problems because I like drama. I definitely don’t). Thank you for the suggestions.

Re money: in case of divirce aren‘t you supposed to split assets 50-50 ie you take half of his money/investments?

@Rania78 I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that and I’m guessing that will take a while to facilitate.

Have you looked at this website? https://divorce.wikivorce.com/