Argh...help me not turn this into something it probably isn't...

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

I have "met" somebody online. Not OLD. But via a local hobby page on Facebook. It's an active page, lots of chat. I'm quite new to it. I'd commented on a few posts, his and other people's, and he'd commented on mine. Then said if I wanted more info on a certain thing, message him, so I did.

We've had quite a lot of chat, he's been helpful with advice. Friendly, nice, bit of jokey "banter" but nothing at all sexual.

We have planned to meet up this weekend for said hobby. All safe and above board. I can't help but think there might be more to it. I've been single for several years, have young DC (babies when I split from their dad) and have really not even thought about meeting someone new.

2 things I'm worried about. Me reading more into it than there is. Surely yes just being friendly , and that's it.

Then.....if there is more to it, I feel pretty shit about how I look. I've put a LOT of weight on and dont feel good about it. So if he was interested, he soon won't be when we meet.

I'm both looking forward to, and dreading our meeting in equal measure. How do I stay "cool" about it?

Sounds fun. I would enter into it as if you were meeting someone of the same sex (or someone of the sex you would normally want to be friends with).

Even if it turns out there is more to it than that from their side, framing it as nothing more than a potential new friend will help you be more natural and come across as your true self without feeling anxious and on guard.

No harm in making sure you put a bit of effort in to look nice. I met a new mum friend for a drink for the first time last week and I made a bit more of an effort than i would have done normally with an old friend as I wanted to feel happy with how I looked (and didn't want to her to think I always walked around in joggers and no make up!)

Then just put the hobby / thing you are doing at the centre of it. It's a brilliant distraction and far better to have something to focus on rather than just going for a drink.

Sounds like a great start whether it's a new friend or if something else comes from it.

Let us know!

The 'private mesage me' I you want more information on a group chat, qould raise a red flag for me. Not in a big way, but I'd be cautious ...sometimes new people joining group chats for a hobby are like "new blood" for some people..not saying he isn't genuine but last thing you want is to join a group foe a hobby you like, and find out you are the last in line to have bedded the same person.. or to feel awkward about continuing your hobby
If you fancy dating, I'd see it as a sign to join a dating site or similar, amd separate the two. ... at least until you know the group more, and know this person better.

Maybe a bit direct of a response from me, but see it all the time in groups....

Go without expectations and concentrate on the hobby as that is what first got you talking.

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit that's good advice thank you,

@Toohardtofindaproperusername hmm I don't think it's that sort of group, but really what do I know?? Thanks - that's the sort of thing I needed to reel me back in. I really don't want to join a dating site, people often suggest hobbies, groups etc to meet people in a more natural setting.....

@ZebraD that's my plan really but I keep getting a bit carried away, in my head at least.

Awww bless you…just try your best to stay focussed on your hobby and hopefully you can reign in all other thoughts just enough so you don’t get hurt. But absolutely meet up and have fun about your shared hobby.

Thank you, its quite unlike me!

It's also more of an information sharing page. Some people do meet up in groups , but many don't, and the group covers the whole county. As far as I can tell, he is more of the sharing info type than group meet up. Oh well, I'll find out soon enough!

The 'private mesage me' I you want more information on a group chat, qould raise a red flag for me. Not in a big way, but I'd be cautious ...sometimes new people joining group chats for a hobby are like "new blood" for some people.

This was my first thought too, tbh.

OP, you don't know anything about this man other than what has been shared on the hobby group. He's a stranger. Worry less about what he thinks about you and more about being realistic about what he does and who he is.

Will there be other people there or is it just you and him?

that's my plan really but I keep getting a bit carried away, in my head at least.

OK a word of warning.

People can pick up on this.

You say you've been single for 7 years. That's a long time and there'll no doubt be a bit of hope, anticipation and "what if?" about this man.

As others have said, stay calm and focus on the hobby. Get to know him as you would do anyone else and don't let this excitement cloud your judgement.

People can often sense the getting a bit carried away (even if it's only in your head). Decent men will read it as vulnerability and step back. Men who aren't decent will read it as vulnerability and step forward.

Thank you @GreyCarpet , the voice of reason right there. I am pretty closed off in general, and haven't given much away. I feel like there could bea lit more messages etc if I engaged a bit more but I'm holding off. It's just nice to have someone to "chat" to you know?

I am the person though, who can NEVER understand people rushing into new relationships when they have young DC. I have been single, through choice, a long time because of that.

I think, on reflection, that I'm just enjoying someone showing an interest in me for me, rather than through the DC. I've made a couple of amazing "mum friends" one in particular , we get on so well and have a real connection.

This though is totally removed from children and being a mum.

I completely understand that!

Decent men will read it as vulnerability and step back. Men who aren't decent will read it as vulnerability and step forward.

I've paraphrased here what a decent man said to me when I'd not long been separated from my husband.

It was a shock to hear tbh. It had never occurred to me that there was such a thing as a man who would step back because he realised a woman was vulnerable, tbh. Nor did I consider myself vulnerable so I didn't understand it could be seen by others.

But he was right.

Enjoy getting good to know your new friend x

Met, spent several hours together, it was lovely.

That's lovely. Good for you 😊

Thanks, the advice here did help me calm it down a bit.

Sounds like the start of a lovely friendship and maybe more if that's what you both want. I feel quite emotional.

So glad it went well… have you got another meeting arranged? Did the vibe feel romantic or just strictly hobby related?

More info required please 😁

@Fizzadora 🤣

Yes, another meet up planned! I'm honestly quite useless at this stuff. It's been a looooong time.

@GreyCarpet I know it's only one meeting, but he does come across as a very decent man. Not pushy or forward or too probing. Interested but not over the top. Looking out for me (he has much more experience in the hobby than me). So a good start.

@Illbefinejustbloodyfine

lovely!! Glad you enjoyed it & have another 'meeting' arranged.

There are lovely, single, men out there, let's hope he's one of them.

nothing wrong with 'Dating' when you have kids. You're sensible enough to keep them separate for now, but you are allowed your own adult life!

@FabFebHalfTerm thank you. The logistics of dating have been pretty much impossible tbh. I have been OK on my own, and the "cost/benefit/ didn't add up for me previously!