Abusive ex making my life hell after court

[Bringonthesun24]

I left 7 years ago went to a women's refuge. So much mental and emotional abuse. Was screamed at in my face, cheated on, actually thought I was going crazy from the gaslighting.

We have a DS. He was 6 months old when i left so has no recollection. He's always known us to be apart. Ex has always been hard work since the split. I stopped contact last year due to him not giving DS his medication that he needs daily, DS always being tired and ill when at his dad's, his bedroom not being habitable and sleeping in his dad's bed.

Anyway ex applied for court, he played a blinder. Fooled all the professions that he was the victim. Actually had the audacity to say I've abused him by cutting contact and that he is the victim of domestic abuse. Denied any domestic abuse against me. It was hell for me, I feel traumatised from the whole court system and experience. Basically feel reabused by him. He knows I know the truth about him yet he was acting to others. I've never felt frustration like it.

He won 50/50. Its been 3 weeks since court. We are only in the stepped weeks where contact builds. I already have so much stuff that I've noted down. Ex hasn't taken DS to his hobbies, made an excuse everytime. Ds has come back tired and emotion probably due to late nights and no routine at his dad's. His dad wants to be his best mate and not a parent.
DS is now poorly. I believe it's usually whoever has the child sorts out when the child is ill. I would usually have caved and took the time off work but I can't keep doing it and ex always has refused. It's either me or exes mum taking time off work to look after DS.

He refused and got angry at me for saying its down to him to sort it. He basically told me that his office would go into chaos if he wasn't there and my job was me only doing XXXXX role. He isn't a manager or in a senior position. He sent DS to his parents and so I collected him yesterday after work. Ds told me he pooed himself at his dad's because ex refused to go with him to the toilet. Ds is scared on going into rooms on his own atm (bit of a phase, it's annoying but it's a phase). Apparently ex refused to go with him and so DS was scared to go so ended up pooing himself the poor guy.

Thing is DS thinks his dad is the best. Ex has played the victim to him. Been his mate instead of parent. Ds feels sorry for him being alone and said his life is boring without our DS being around. Ex tells him so much detail about his life. For example he quit his last job because apparently everyone was mean to him! Why would you tell a 7yo that?

There's so much more but this weekend ex has just stressed me out. He text me.to tell me our DS teeth hurt. I replied I know they are wobbly. There was no need to text me. Its so stressful. I say black, he says white. Now court it over the act has dropped.and he couldn't give a shit. Just has our DS basically so he doesn't have to pay me maintenance which he admitted he hated doing. I feel so sorry for DS because ex is going to end up damaging him.

What can I do? My solicitor said if I don't do 50/50 ex will play the victim and alienate DS against me as me being the bad guy.

Sorry that was very long and ranty. Just so much going on and don't really have anyone to talk to about who knows what I'm going through.

Bump

Well he's going to make you the bad guy either way so whatever. He can't alienate your son against you if he barely sees him.

That being said, presumably there are legal implications.

I'd start talking to your son about how to spot bullies and fake friends. Give examples that might help him make the connection himself to his dad.

Teach him that we do not try to win over bullies We simply get away.

If he repeats something 'not nice' his dad had said in a 'dad said...' way, then you say 'Well that's not very nice is it? what do you think?". And if they agree with you, praise him.

eg maybe he says 'dad says women are stupid' 'Well that's not very nice is it? What do you think?' "I don't think you're stupid mummy" "well thankyou, I'm glad you don't think I'm stupid. You do know just because daddy thinks something, it doesn't mean you need to agree, OK? Love you kiddo".

It's your job to call attention to the things dad does and says that are not nice. And to give the framework to the child of how he deals with people who are not nice. Eg: refusing to be around them.

Dont directly badmouth his dad. Let him come to his own conclusions from what he learns about essentially, good vs evil, from you.

In time he will realise his dad is full of shit. And stip wanting to go. When that happens, don't force him to. Let the asshole take you back to court. Then your kids opinion will be taken into account as he is older.

@Bringonthesun24 I know how these abusers fool the family courts. My coercively controlling ex-husband was awarded 50/50 custody when our boys were just 3 and 6. He told me: "If you dare leave me you will lose the children." It was ALL about punishment.
The boys are now 13 and 16 and I see them even less; 13 yo every other Weds - Sun and 16 yo just EOW. His years of brainwashing and lie spreading was successful.
It's so incredibly unfair - you are not alone.

He will be seeing him 50/50 from now on so will have a big influence in his life.

Thanks for the advice. That's really helpful especially the way its worded. I never wanted to be that parent who bad mouths the other or manipulates them. I didn't say well you do know that it wasn't ok for daddy to go with you and he said of come. He just made excuses for him and then blamed himself. Its heartbreaking.

Definitely about calling attention to the wrong way but like you say not directly bad mouthing. More guiding him to his own conclusions.

I'm really sorry its come to that. This is my biggest fear. My ex is the best manipulative person I've ever seen. It comes so naturally to him.

What did your ex say to the children to alienate them? If you don't mind me asking that is.

I think you need to go grey rock on him. Make yourself so uninteresting as possible, no emotion, no talking or unnecessary communication. Make it that he has no impact on you (or at least he sees it that way).

Remember if he texts you something like 'ds teeth hurt' that isn't a question. Unless he asks a direct question about your ds, don't respond.

At drop offs and pick ups, show no emotion. If he says that dc is going to his mums, a simple 'ok' is enough. Don't offer to collect or have an opinion. He's doing it all to get a reaction from you and using the dc. If the dc have no impact then he'll stop using them as a weapon.

Another way is to make it appear that you have a full and rewarding life outside of ds. I told my ex that when he had ds it gave me the chance to go out with friends, take up hobbies, go to the gym, improve my career. It was a sure fire way of my ex not sticking to the contact agreement as he loved the idea of putting a spanner in the works for my social life by insisting I had my dc. He ended up only having them eow

@Bringonthesun24 Where do I start? This is just the very tip of a huge iceberg.
TRIGGER WARNING/OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE.
"Your mum doesn't love you. If she did she wouldn't break up family."
"Your mum's old school friend (male) whom she still sees used to beat her up."
"I'm rich and your mum is poor so when you live with her you'll be living in a bad area and bad men will break in and hurt you."
"Your mum's boyfriend (my now husband) could be a paedophile so watch out and don't go near him."
"Your mum's baby (their half sister who is now three) is going to be born a retard because she's too old to be pregnant."
"If you see your mum during Covid you might infect her then the baby will die and she will never forgive you."
"Your mum only ever wanted girls and now she's got your sister she doesn't want you."
"If you attend your mum's wedding you are being highly disrespectful to me."
"Your mum's husband is a simp and arse-wiper" (he works in adult social care) and their marriage won't last more than a year."
Same man to Cafcass (and I genuinely quote): "I do think you could call me Dad of The Year."
Chilling.

Give it two months write down everything. Reach out to social services early help and tell them hes not meeting the childs needs the put in an application to court to vary the order due to the evidence.

Some of the issues you've mentioned are very serious and pretty awful to see your DS go through. If your ex has manipulated the system before, you need to be very measured in how you approach this moving forward.

Firstly, focus on actual issues with care. Whilst you / DS might be upset he's missing activities, it really is up to his dad how he spends time in his care. Likewise, what time his bedtime is and why/when DS is left in the care of paternal family on his Dad's time, that's not for you to comment on.

Medicine, lack of appropriate sleeping arrangements, soiling himself, asking you to step in when DS is ill, any comments DS makes about how he feels. Those things you need to log. I'd play ball with the court order until there is enough actual evidence to ask to vary the order (perhaps seek your solicitors advice before making any applications).

I'm the meantime, focus on being a great Mum when DS is in your care. If you can take time off work when he is unwell but in his dad's care then do it, he'll be happy to be safe with his mummy. Ignore any non-essential communication with your ex and keep messages practical and non-emotional (don't response to statements, only questions). I think the best thing you can do is try and do the best for DS but understand what's in your control and what isn't.

So sorry you are going through this. The court system can definitely re-traumatise you just when you thought things were getting better, unfortunately. And, in my experience, they are very sympathetic to Dads, despite all the cliches about the courts favouring Mums.

It might help to read up on narcissistic behaviours. If indeed it applies to your ex, then you can better understand and predict him.

If you truly believe he only wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance, then maybe offer to forgo maintenance but have the child with you full time.

You need a good lawyer who believes in you and is willing to promote your side, since your ex sounds like the type who can have everyone sympathising with his side.

Finally, try not to let him stress you too much - that is partly how they control you. And never forget that you only want what's genuinely good for your child.

Wow I'm so sorry you've been through this. Those poor children. What do you do? Ignore it? Try tell the children that you love them etc? How do you tackle this kind of alienation? I'm terrified of it becoming my reality

I've written down everything. I have 13 seperate things written down already in the space of 2 weeks.
I've rang social services in the past and they were shocking. One woman on the phone to me said "children would tell you if they were being abused or neglected" I was outraged. I said well in actual fact alot of children don't say anything.

Thank you, this is very helpful. I've noted everything down so far. My solicitor told me to note everything down and the minute I have a pattern and enough to go on to contact her and she will take a look and give me the advice I need. Although she's expensive so can't afford to keep running to her.

Yes, they do seem very sympathetic to fathers who seem to want their child more. I know every case does not have an abusive man but in alot of court cases, court is being used by the man to abuse the ex further. It's awful.

He is 1 million percent narcissistic. He has every trait. We had the narc rage on monday when it came to DS being ill and me refusing to help. During court proceedings he reframed from calling me names. Now he has resorted to calling me names again.

Tonight we have had him forgetting DS coat to bring back and arguing about bringing it to me within the next day or two on my door step.

I have a great solicitor. She's just expensive and I dont have alot of money to keep contacting her.

The grey rock thing really does work with abusive people. You need to find a way to keep direct contact to a minimum.

So no arguments on the doorstep, just let ds in and ignore your ex. Don't speak to him on the phone, keep every communication in writing by text or email. Keep it factual, and dull.

He's after a reaction from you and of he doesn't get one, he'll get bored with trying.

Then keep totally consistent with ds. Keep recording everything, but be the consistent parent.

@Bringonthesun24 Tbh there's not a lot I can do. If I say anything I'll be accused of "badmouthing" father but it would appear he can say exactly what he likes and away with it.
The courts are massively biased towards fathers claiming they want custody "for best interests", even when it's so obviously just being sought as punishment for leaving.
As another poster said I've gone grey rock as much as I can; he hates not getting a reaction.
I once wrote goodbye letters to my sons (which I kept) but I won't give him the satisfaction. It's hard not to on my darkest days but I won't let him win.

The best bit of advice I heard from a family law barrister was that no court order can stop people being a*holes.

How you respond to things like 'forgetting' coats is a good example of when I said don't worry about things you can't control. You can't force him to go and get it, and if you try to, he'll use it as a way to engage with you and upset you. There is absolutely no reasoning with narcissistic people and you won't convince him to do the right thing so don't!

Next time, absolutely do not allow him to argue on the doorstep! I would have first asked politely where the coat is. When he said it's forgotten, ask "can you bring it?" No. "Ok, shall I come and get it?" No. "Ok, that's a shame as he needs it. But no worries, sort it at the next handover". Take DS inside and shut the door. End of discussion. Then DS wears something else.

I watched DP and his ex row about this stuff for years on end and honestly the only way it stopped was when he stopped feeding into it. Shouting at each other about haircuts, and missing football matches and being 10 mins late to handover. The more you engage the more the narcissist feeds off it. Yes it's annoying you might have to buy a few things extra, or move your plans about, be a bit late, be a bit frustrated your kids hair has been cut when you wanted it long, but it's a small price to pay for peace for you and DS. Engage as little as possible and they get bored. If he starts to discuss anything at handovers, a simple "please email/text me" helps. Then you can compose a response away from emotions and any nastiness you have proof of in black and white.

Your solicitor can only advise on the legal side. These forums are great for learning about behaviour and the best way to respond. I read a lot on the legal board when I saw CAOs mentioned! Ultimately unless it's something really upsetting your DS, let it go, decompress by moaning on here or to your friends then breathe and get on with your time with your son ♥️

I can't sleep I'm wound up. My sister sent me screenshots of his social media account of a post he put up about our court proceedings outcome. I'm almost certain he's in contempt of court for doing so as I've looked it up and you are not allowed to put out in the public domain any info regarding the court proceedings. All info shared should be with certain professionals and in private. Anyone had this before and know how to proceed with this?

@Bringonthesun24 Can you seek advice from a solicitor about this? If you have the screenshots you could show them and ask the question. I know it's expensive but if he's in clear breach?