“Abusive” exes

[Puffpuff]

Is it possible that the constant labeling of exes as abusive is diminishing the experiences of women who have been in actual, horrible abusive relationships that they’ve had to flee from? I don’t mean to be antagonistic or hurtful, some men and women treat their other halves appallingly. But is the “abusive” or “narcissistic” label bandied about so much that it has lost its proper meaning? A friend of mine has split up from her long time partner, his decision. Now suddenly there are cryptic messages about abuse on social media and all sorts of labeling. I don’t know how helpful it is if every person who has ever been mistreated now has been abused?

Personally, I think that it's a case of abuse being widespread, and people no longer hiding the truth of it.

It's becoming less shameful to admit to having been abused. People's eyes are being opened to the nuances of abuse, and that it doesn't just mean physical.

Not really. It depends what the arguments are about, what is said and how they are escalated.

I had regular arguments with my ex, they got extremely personal - it started about cleaning and turned into what a useless person I was, how my family was awful, I was a c* and when I walked away I was accused of giving the silent treatment, I would lock myself in the bathroom, I would stay with my family to avoid him raging at me and he ended up shutting my foot in a door.

So when you talk about "arguments" I think what you're talking about is a disagreement over something specific that stays ON TOPIC. Ie - it stays about the cleaning and doesn't become a personal character assassination of the other person. Because yeah... that is 100% abuse especially when one person feels they have to leave, feels afraid and has it dismissed when it's communicated, and gets to the point they feel like they have to leave their own home because they can't cope with it anymore.

It affected my health physically and mentally and I was a wreck. I lived in the bedroom. Arguments are not "ok" by default. Constant arguments are unhealthy yes, but they can cross a boundary into abuse quite easily, they can be a form of control and include a number of the things listed in the article I sent you. So my opinion is that you're incorrect.

How do you think abuse happens? Without "arguments"??

I don't think we're disagreeing here. I said arguments are "not necessarily" abuse, even if they are unhealthy ones. I never said arguments are point blank not abuse. On the contrary, they can absolutely form part of abuse. But they still need to form part of a pattern of controlling behaviour in order to be abuse.

So my opinion is you've not read my reply properly. I am guessing you didn't read my first reply, either? If not, I would appreciate it if you did, as you might understand my perspective more.

I think it's probably semantics and we're broadly on the same page with this?

Perhaps it's just because this is such a hugely inflammatory topic for me and I'm like "NO" to anyone who even suggests something, and I admit i'm a bit like that because it's only been 9 months since I left and I'm still in the mist of a legal battle so apologies if i'm being a bit too er, inflamed.

I agree with you. :-)

Thank you. It's definitely an emotive topic. My exH would start arguments by saying the most incredibly unkind and triggering things to me, then laugh when I got angry and tell me he is not responsible for my reactions and he should be able to say whatever he likes to me without me getting angry. It was part of a wider pattern of behaviour but I definitely agree, arguments can be a tool of abuse. Psychological abuse is such a terrible mindfuck. Please PM me if you want to chat. I really get where you're coming from and why you feel so strongly.

Sounds very similar to me. What is wrong with these people! I'm sorry for what you went through, you didn't deserve that. I hope you are in a much better place now, I know I am!

Happy Valentine's day 😂

This "my narc was worse than yours" kind of attitude seems to be cropping up here lately.

I guess on the bright side it means we've moved on somewhat from "at least yours didn't hit you"...

I don't think it's useful to gatekeep victimhood, personally.

Appearances can be deceptive. What outwardly looked like an ordinary relationship that just came to an end may have been entirely different in reality. You can never tell what goes on behind closed doors.

So I wouldn't be too hasty making a judgement over the reasons for someone else's breakup.

Yes now that we are in a time where women are raising the bar not tolerating abuse and understanding their own worth we should start silencing them and accusing them of being ridiculous.

I wonder which man started this concept 🙄

I think it's all relative really.

For some people they might reasonably tolerate being shouted at and called names then turn around and walk away eventually feeling pissed off but relatively unscathed. For someone else it might seriously affect them, so there's that I suppose.

I think honestly a lot of women on this forum are just sick and tired of shitty men. Like I said again, it's not that women can't be shitty - I think we all know we're not a bunch of angels sat here with our harps, but men if men were a trustpilot review subject then I suspect we'd be looking at a 1 star situation in a lot of cases.

I agree with you. Everyone's ex is 'abusive' on here.

I read these boards and think about this a lot. I was in a seriously abusive relationship with a serial abuser and wonder if it can be true that so many others exist. The flavour of it was so extreme and he was so unusually sadistic.

I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of people are looking for the word ‘chauvinist’ instead.

Although my abuser was helped by gender dynamics and the secrecy of marriage, his abuse wasn’t rooted in any of those things, and he’s done it across other realms of life, not just relationships. He is just hardwired to harm.

"Chauvinist" is a belief, not an action.

I just think our collective bar was set extremely low in the past. Marriage gave husbands legal rights to rape their wives. Financial control was just traditional, heterosexual marriage. Domestic abuse was a "private matter" the police wouldn't touch.

Abuse has been part of "normal" romantic relations for centuries. Heterosexual cultures encourage and even celebrate it in different ways. Stalking was romanticised, jealousy just showed he likes you so much, not being allowed out of his sight meant you were needed by him all the time and therefore loved.

Only recently has non-physical abuse been accepted as abuse in law and in general opinion.

People are waking up to what coercive control and emotional abuse is, and the damage it does. Men are slowly starting to open up about relationship abuse they've suffered. People are starting to understand codependent patterns, trauma bonding, and the cyclical nature of abuse.

Perhaps not every ex who is called a narcissist would meet the criteria for diagnosis. Still, I think it's a mostly positive sign that people are finally understanding abusive behaviours and learning to separate them out from expressions of true love and respect.

@Begsthequestion you’ve articulated what I was trying to say much more clearly than I could!

This ‘oh women are going too far now, all claiming abuse when it’s not’ doesn’t denigrate any abuse victims: what it does is show that many women are actually waking up to the fact that many have been in low level abusive situations for years and are no longer ashamed to call it by its real name.

Does every ex meet the criteria for narc? Of course not, but I would prefer a culture where men who have been abusive at any level are called a narc for their behaviour then it be excused as ‘just how man are’ as has been the case for millennia.
The pendulum is swinging from one extreme to another and will eventually settle in the middle when it comes to naming behaviours and raising bars.

As someone who has been in abusive relationships and done everything possible to minimise and excuse it, I am glad more people are naming it. It would have helped me enormously to see that it wasn’t just me and that it wasn’t my shame to bare alone.