Help! Confused, so many arguments

[LemonHiker]

Help! I don't know what's real or not any more. I'm in a relationship with my partner, we've been together about 4 years, but have been struggling in the last couple of years.

I really wanted to make it work, but we keep arguing. Over nothing. Over silly things. He always makes out I'm the problem, too stressed, that I've started it, either through picking an argument or not responding in the right way to something he's said. Either way it feels like it's always my fault.

In the last year or so he keeps having this series of big dramatic moments where he'll storm out of the room calling me names and then sulks upstairs.

When I've gone up to try and resolve things (trying to be the mature one and the peacemaker, and to see his side) he's generally vile and everything gets thrown back in my face and he attacks me verbally and makes me feel like absolutely crap. Sometimes I've taken it, because I've reflected and thought perhaps I have been the difficult one, but the arguments/conversations have nearly broken me at times.

I had some PTSD and emotional/trust issues after getting out of an abusive relationship a few years ago, and then I was in a difficult/stressful job which made me wonder if my behaviour and mood had been challenging for him to deal with and I was the cause of the problems... maybe I am?

We had another argument today. I had a really tough day in a new job and just wanted to talk/have some support at the end of the day, but it was really hard to engage him and I felt he wasn't listening. And so we fell out, he stormed off etc etc.

Spoke to him and he said he's been deliberately spending less and less time with me, that he's always on edge around me, always biting his tongue. That I'm like a bomb waiting to go off. That he'd taken more than he can take at Christmas. He basically presented himself as this loving boyfriend/victim who has been so supportive but endured so much from me. I tried to defend myself and argue against some of these things which I felt weren't true, but in the end I had to leave the room as I just felt so hurt by what he was saying, and felt generally unlovable

Anyway, he keeps doing this every few weeks/months.....I don't understand....if I'm that awful why not just leave? It hadn't occured to me before, but today I thought is this some deliberate tactics to keep me on my toes and knock my confidence, so I feel like he may leave at any time, and to give him the upper hand?

Or am I just really difficult and volatile like he makes out? I'm so confused and my head is spinning.

Any thoughts/advice is welcome. I'm too emotionally involved to see things clearly. I read my post back and realise it really doesn't sound great and that there might be quite a bit of LTB. Perhaps I should, unless it's me being the issue and he's just at his wits end with me? Please help.

You are in another emotionally abusive relationship. This is toxic just leave them do some work on why you are trying to salvage this relationship. You are being treated poorly.

4 year relationship, struggling for 2 years?
It sounds like he's bullying you and he's abusive.
But in some ways that doesn't matter, what matters is that he makes you very unhappy.

Don't chose to waste more of your life like this, start imagining and planning how you will leave would be my advice.

Then you can work out what happened & starting healing- once you are out. You can't grow in this relationship, it's done.

The fact that you are reflecting on your own behaviour, and thinking that you might be at faults shows clearly that HE is the problem.

You've identified the issue, he's abusive and is doing this to make you doubt yourself. It's a classic abuser tactic.

And you've identified the answer, leave the %*%&#@!

*he'll storm out of the room calling me names and then sulks upstairs.

When I've gone up to try and resolve things (trying to be the mature one and the peacemaker, and to see his side) he's generally vile*

There is your mistake, right there.

Don't do this. For anyone.

If they wank to sulk, just leave them to it. Ideally permanently. No one needs that stuff in their lives. All the best with getting out.

"Anyway, he keeps doing this every few weeks/months.....I don't understand....if I'm that awful why not just leave? It hadn't occured to me before, but today I thought is this some deliberate tactics to keep me on my toes and knock my confidence, so I feel like he may leave at any time, and to give him the upper hand? "

I'm currently going through something quite similar I'm sad to say and I didn't want to see it for a long time. However I've looked back on issues we've had with my therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I really have done nothing wrong. It isn't me. Also add to that that none of my previous partners took issue with me the way he does. My friends are flabbergasted by the way he describes me at times.
I didn't want to see it and thought we could get through things if I reassured him enough and did enough for him and helped him with things to show him how much I appreciate him, but it's like the little caterpillar who never gets enough. There's always something. Issues made up out of thin air.
Like you I wonder, if he essentially doesn't actually like me or respect me than why on earth does he even want to be with me anyway.
I think you hit the nail on the head.

Remember you don't have to wait for him to leave you. You can leave him. I'm at the point where I'm not going to grovel and try to work through whatever issue he's fabricated this time (on valentines, coincidence?). When I feel ready and the time is right I'll tell him we are not going to talk it through (ie him berating me until I admit fault and grovel), I'm done going through these shit storms no amount of "love" can make up for and he can pick up his stuff when he's ready.
I'm keeping today no contact and hopefully I'll have the guts to say it tomorrow.

What are you going to do? If you need support and want to talk some more, feel free to pm me.

Why on earth do you want to salvage a relationship with a gaslighting abusive bully? Life shouldn’t be a battle ground and a relationship should bring you peace and joy, not confusion and stress.

Please get out of this toxic environment and stay single while you work on your boundaries and self respect.

Your relationship with him is over primarily because of the abuse he metes out to you. Such men can and do damage boundaries and your boundaries here have already been weakened by previous abuse.

Abuse is not a relationship issue, its about power and control. He wants absolute here. There is really nothing to rescue and or save so ask yourself why you are trying to do that.

You've gone from one previous abusive relationship into another; this is not an uncommon scenario by any means. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of relationship did your parents show you?. Get therapy for yourself to unlearn the crap they taught you along with enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Be on your own now, put the work in and do not enter into any more relationships until your boundaries are rock solid.

This isn't about him. The reason you have trust issues is because you can't trust yourself to do the right thing for you. For example, currently, you are spending time with someone who makes you feel shit, then makes you feel like shit for feeling shit about it. And you choose to stay, with the acceptance that it's probably something to do with the fact that you're faulty somehow.

Here is a life changing tip: if someone makes you feel like shit, stay away from them.

Even if you have a fault, or an issue in dealing with stuff, respectful people who care about you don't approach that situation by making you feel like shit.

When you stop choosing self invalidation, your 'trust issues' will resolve. People are sometimes untrustworthy, and secure people walk away from them as soon as this is revealed. They don't question themselves.

Life's too short for that nonsense
Ltb

My ex was like this, starting arguments out of thin air, every little thing has to be a battle.
i left him before Christmas and I’ve not regretted it.

When someone tries to argue with me I go "yeah, umm" and walk off, I don't give them the satisfaction of seeing I care.

As PPs have identified, he’s emotionally abusive and you need to leave him before he breaks you down any further.

I bet you if you say to him that you accept his version and you clearly need to release him from the unhappiness of being with you and end the relationship, he will start massively backtracking or change tack in some big way. He likes this dynamic, it suits him, he likes seeing you twist yourself in knots, having you try and pacify him when he has shouted at you and stormed off. He is getting something out of this dynamic at your expense.

This isn't healthy. Why aren't people allowed to know you care?

He sounds like he is manipulating you and also the name calling isn’t a healthy way to argue. I was married to an abuser and all the things he’s doing is something I’ve experienced. I would beg him in the end for forgiveness for even challenging him! Im
not with him now and I’ve been with my new partner for 4 years - everything is pretty good and we don’t argue much and when we do we argue fair - no name calling, storming off or giving each other the silent treatment. It’s a breath of fresh air for me … I can be myself without walking on eggshells. The fact you are saying you can’t think straight makes me feel he is gas lighting you.

Watchkeys, I mean when someone is bullying me, I walk off and don't rise to the bait. When it's more of an argument I say my point and leave it at that, most of the time I can't be bothered to argue,

Good to clarify, otherwise it just looks like very poor advice.

I think it's poor advice without context, but within the context of someone doing this repeatedly nah I don't think it is. And they shouldn't know you care after a certain repeat number of times doing this because frankly, they don't care so why should you? Some people just like causing arguments.
I was just reminded of the story of the scorpion and the frog on a different post, and i'd say that's fairly applicable to why this advice is good.

When someone tries to argue with me I go "yeah, umm" and walk off

and

When it's more of an argument I say my point and leave it at that

Sure. It was totally clear 🙄

I'm not quite sure what you think you're adding to this discussion? My assessment is nothing.

@roses321

Cheers mate. Useful comment there from you too.

Sorry, OP. Nothing more annoying than the pot calling the kettle black.

Just to clarify, my point was that if someone upsets you, it's ok to express your anger, and saying 'yeah, umm' then walking off might not be the healthiest response. It didn't pass muster in the 'Roses321' test, but hopefully it'll make some sense to you. It's ok to say how you feel. If you feel things you don't want to feel, are made to feel bad for saying how you feel, or you don't like the way you express how you feel, it's probably not a great relationship.

Hi Everyone
Sorry for the radio silence.....as you can probably imagine it's been a difficult few months to say the least.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and advice. I really appreciated your comments and it did make me think a lot. It was quite hard to hear at the time tbh, because I was trying to deny what was really happening I think, but it was happening and probably was emotional abuse, or 'at best' an unhealthy and toxic relationship. My gut told me something was off for ages and I tried to ignore it, but I won't in future.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I've broken up with him. Only very recently (yesterday ! 🤣) so it feels a bit weird, but mostly I've just felt this overwhelming relief and sense of freedom. He went batshit at me in that car when picking me up from a cancelled train/work trip (which I'd worked really hard for and was a bit gutted about not being able to go) - all completely not fault and out of my control but surprise, surprise, yet again it was all my fault and he basically made out I'd ruined his day, stressed him out and he shouted at me all the way home. It was the very final straw for me. I just thought I'm not going to live like this anymore you vile, angry, abusive prick! Excuse my language.

I've been civil because I want him out of my life without him kicking off and any issues, but basically I'll be so relieved when he's gone! And I will take everyone's advice and do the Freedom Programme and work on my confidence etc. He had me seriously wondering if it was me causing all of the issues, as I got blamed for pretty much everything. It's taken me a while to realise it wasn't my fault, it was just an extended fiction he made up to try and keep me permanently on the back foot and feeling like I needed to be a better partner, do more, change my habits etc.

I feel a bit gutted and stupid that I've been a fool for so long, but when I've reflected it has been quite insidious which is why I didn't see it for what it was soonnef I think...he wasn't like this when we first met and for the first few years, it's then crept in slowly and got worse over time.

Anyway I basically wanted to say thanks all for giving me to kick up the arse I needed to get him out of my life and do the right thing for me. I've done to the realisation that life's too short to be miserable all the time in a horrid relationship; everyone deserves to be happy, including me.

How are you doing@Doyoubelievehim ? I hope you're ok. Sorry I didn't reach out earlier, it was a really kind offer, and I did want to. I have just been going to hell and back a bit these last few weeks battling him. It's nice now everything is much calmer and peaceful.

Sending love to everyone 💐

So glad you've left him and that you're in a better place now 💐

Congratulations. And don't feel stupid. It took me 20 years to see it. Be prepared for the backlash and the attempts to hoover you back in. Stay strong. It'll be worth it. I'd recommend reading 'It's not you', by Dr Ramani.

Thanks @Pinkcarlisle, that's good advice. He's been astonishingly amicable about it so far and agreed it's for the best which I'm thrilled about. I'll be ready though in case he tries to hoover me back in later. I want better for myself, and tbh even if I don't meet someone else in future, I'd rather be single and have peace for the rest of my life, than continue this current way of living with him!

I'm glad to hear you got out eventually too. What made you finally realise and leave? I'm guessing/hoping you're much happier now?!

I'd rather be single and have peace for the rest of my life, than continue this current way of living with him!

This is such welcome progress @LemonHiker

All the very best. Mumsnet at its finest xx