when is enough enough?

[ugglyduckling]

Hi i suppose this will be a bit of a rambling thread but i just need some help. i met my husband 11 years ago and in 2007 we had our first child. Before DC came along things were ok not great but ok, now things are just terrible.
I just cant seem to do anything right and DH seems to be so angry at me. Ive tried to discuss any issues he has but now im getting to the end of my tether, DH left the armed forces 5 years ago and since then has had a string of jobs, he cant seem to settle in any of them so when DC came along he decided he would give up work all togeter and be a stay at home dad and i would go back to work, now he says he doesnt like it and wants to find a job! i have also aired concerns about the amount he drinks but apparantly 2 bottles of wine a night is fine! he is a SAHD but doesnt cook, clean get up for night feeds,but sleeps during the day when im off work etc etc every time i bring it up it ends up in a massive row. i just dont know what he want's but the problem is i dont think he does either. He embarrasses me if we go out by getting absolutly plastered so now we have stopped being invited anywhere. he has small digs at me to knock my confidence and i just cant take anymore. We married when i was very young and i feel like ive grown up and he wants me to stay a young girl who he can control. Its sometimes gets to the point where i think please please just leave me. I am a strong independant person but i just cant bring myself to leave and i really dont know why? have any of you been in the same boat? i dont know what to do for the best I want my DC to have a father and he is a good father but i dont want DC to grow up with parents who hate each other. I do love him but im not sure im in love. Does any of this make sence or is it just the ramblings of a mad woman. Please help when is enough enough?

I have no answers, but it sounds like he's depressed, maybe a bit lost after coming out of the forces?...but he'll have to realise that for himself(if he is depressed)and ask for help...I hope things work out for you both.

Ramble away ud - sounds like you need some help.
Firstly, no - 2 bottles of wine a night is not normal. An average bottle has 10 units in so dh is drinking 6 times more than the recommended weekly limit.
Anger is obviously an issue and it may be he is really angry at himself and projecting it on you. Workwise it is probably not where he saw himself and he needs to get his head round this. I think it can be extra hard for ex-forces to change but someone will prob be along that knows more on this.
Keep posting but it sounds like you could both do with some counselling. How old is dc?

You poor thing. He does sound rather lost doesn't he.

I'm sorry tho, i cant really offer any advice. Hope someone comes along with some words of wisdom very soon.

MY DC is 5 months, I wanted a child so very much, We discussed it for a long time before going ahead as there is a bit of an age gap, now he makes me feel as if i pushed him into it. i have asked him in a round about way if hes feeling depressed but he just gets angry. Its getting to the point where we have nothing to say to each other he sits in 1 room me in another i ask him to join in with games or walks but he never does. I get ivited to places but its always 'dont bring DH' which is really hard for me but i can understand why, he is rude and drunk, why would people want him around? but he does have a kind caring side which he doesnt show anyone, not even me anymore.

i should also say im trying to get DC into nursery so DH could get ajob if he wanted to. I earn good mony so he doesnt really have to if he doesnt want to but i would feel so proud if he got a job earning £5 a week i would appreciate that £5 so much i would feel like hes no longer living off me is that a horrid thing to say? Also DH is classed as DC main carer at the moment so if i did leave he would probibly get custody as i work FT and then id end up with weekend access or similar wouldnt i? i couldnt bare that its hard enough working 4 days as it is i acctually hate it but i do it to support my family, but DH doesnt seem to appreciate that either. god i feel so sad tonight

Hi, don't really have any advice but i do think when some people come out of the security of being in the army, they can feel a bit lost and it sounds like he is. I had a boyfriend in the army years ago (21 years ago to be exact) and we courted for 3 years while he was in the army, he came out and he was honestly like a lost sheep, civvy life was hard for him, he also went from job to job, couldn't settle, drank a lot (but used to drink a lot while in the army) and in the end we split up bacause he did my head in! It was very sad but he seemed to need the security that he felt from being in the army. it was like he was institutionalised (sp?) . Do sympathise with you but give it time, you've been together a long time and have a DC..maybe you both need to take a good long look at your lives and talk, maybe as someone else suggested get some counselling. Good luck though. Maybe your marriage just needs a bit of work like most do from time to time? Keep us informed. xx

thanks guys this is really helping i must go incase DH checks what im doing... i will check again tomorrow please keep advice comming thank you

Just read your last bit hun, he does sound depressed but kind of in denial.. think you'll need professional help.x

Take it easy ud..check on you tomorrow! xx

Perhaps if you do consider leaving him, you need to take advice to see if that is the case(you having access as opposed to Dh). Plenty of single parents work full time, so it isn't impossible, especially if you earn enough for childcare.

I would try going for counselling first of all, also i can really recommend a book called I love you but I'm not in love with you by Andrew G Marshell (relate counsellor) has some really good advice in it.

Hi

I would contact SSAFA as well as they are also there to help families of ex servicemen. You would certainly qualify for their support and assistance.

Have put their link up for you:-

www.ssafa.org.uk

Sounds like he's depressed, especially as he's not working. Not working can make most people depressed.

He needs to stop drinking 2 bottle of wine a night and concentrate on getting work. Maybe shift work or nights so then he 'won't' be able to drink.

Hope you both work it out .

How are you today ud?
Reading what you wrote about not necessarily needing the money, is there anything he loves to do that he could do as a part time low paid or even voluntary job? It sounds like he needs to feel useful and needed and have something he really enjoys out of the house. Also, he might have to be sober a bit more often.
Might be worth you contacting al-anon too, even if just for some back up on how the 2 bottles of wine a night is not normal and how you can cope with this. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hi ud, how's things today, i'm checking up on you as promised.. please let us know how you are.

Hey Guys thankyou so very much for all your support, Im sorry i havent replied sooner but ive been so busy with LO, and DH!. Things are ok im feeling a bit more positive just knowing im not beeing unresanable wanting him to stop drinking so much, i am going to get LO into nursary for 2 days and my father offered to have her for 1 day so thats 3 out of 4 days covered. Then if DH finds something he wants to do great. i am going to give things my best shot will keep you updated, i really hope things work but i will do what ever it takes to ensure me and my LO have a happy and Healthy future. Thanks for all the websites its really helpfull.im going to check them out when im at work so there is no chance of a row untill i have all the info i need i dont want to confront him. Thankyou for not making me feel MAD.

Ugglyduckling
You are definitely not being ott. I recognise and empathise with a lot of the things you say from my own relationship (now ended).

Two bottles of wine or equivalent a night : tick

Until he recognises it as excessive it is out of your control especially if he is what is known as a 'functioning' alcoholic.

Being the sole breadwinner: tick

Ok for as long as you have agreed it should last. Can turn to a source of resentment

Being happy for him to even have £5 job: tick

It's not about the money is it? A job would take some of the constant focus away from his home life and give you both breathing space not to mention a boost to his self esteem. But maybe he's too proud to accept 'any' job?

I agree he may be depressed and would also suggest counselling (together and singly) as
others have done.

Al-anon has been a great source of comfort to me albeit too late to save my marriage.

I hope you can work something out.
Keep us posted and let us know how you are getting on.

Oh and its not a given that he would automatically get custody. That is something you can agree on and the courts view each case on its own.

Hi ud.. good to hear from you, you are sounding more positive so that's good. You are doing your very best to remedy the situation so at least you know if it doesn't work that you did your best. But i'm hoping you'll work things out and things will improve for you. Good luck hun.. xx

ok so today i went form positive to disapointed....
Lo woke up at 3am,4am 6.30am,(shes teething) but DH didnt hear her . he eventually got up at 10.30.

we went to do some shopping and there was loads of traffic so we sat in a jam for 40mins great, got the shopping we needed but DH in a bad mood and suggested we went for a walk. Fantastic i was so pleased but then i was blamed for the waste of time and DH wnet to pub...i had to go with him as there was only one car to get home. He had 2 pints and seemed to calm down.

we got home and DH went to bed for 4 hours leaving me and LO alone we played which was lovely but DH missed it again. he got up for 2 hours had dinner played on computer then is back off to bed what a fantastic family bank holliday monday!

i asked him why he didnt want to be with us and he said i was being rediculous i feel slightly down trodden on my positvness now i know that not the right word but you get the meaning i hope XXX

he was lovely in the 2 hours he was awake! I told him that... lets see what happens

I'm slightly confused ud, you say "he was lovely in the 2 hours he was awake" yet i can't see that from reading the events of your day, "DH was in a bad mood..".."DH went to pub..".."I was blamed for the waste of time"....Where exactly does 'lovely' come into it? I'm not having a go but really can't see anything nice??? He does sound really depressed. I think like someone mentioned earlier that you should perhaps go for counselling together and separate so you can properly get things off your chest. How's things today? x

Hi ud..how are you doing? Not heard from you these last couple of days. x

No real advice, but I just wanted to say what a good person you seem for trying to work through these problems, but at the same time not taking the blame for them all upon your shoulders. I hope you get through this together.

i just wanted to say thanks for all your support i dont know what i would have done without you over the past few days, just knowing that im not going insane has helped. ive contacted al-anon as ive found drink hidden which obviously isnt good.

my DH's mum is coming for a few days to try and help also i plucked up the courrage to tell my mum what was going on in my relationship and she was so helpful and supportive. I dont feel so alone now.

i hope to work through things and make DH see i want to help him feel better but that in return he has to stop drinking and get a part time job so he feels more independant. I hope for my LO sake he steps up to the challange because he is such a funny kind person and she will have a wonderfull daddy but if not i know now i would be strong enough to look after myself and LO if that was the option he chose for us....ultimatly its down to him....the ball is firmly in his court.
Im suprised at myself at how different i sound from a few days ago. Thankyou all so much