My husband and I have not been a couple for more than 4 years. He moved out more than a year ago for a year and a half and owing to health news he moved back in about 6 months ago. We are both decent people (although suddenly I am not sure I am, always thought I was) but cannot seem to make a marriage work between us and have been hanging on on the outside as we both desperately adore the kids and don't want them traipsing between two homes. It has been an emotional intimacy problem and we just seem to be from different plants. Currently in the middle of purchasing a second home. It has taken a long time to get practical matters sorted.
Anyway we agree when we separated that we could see other people, though since it is not something we have discussed. When he separated I was pursued by someone, not in a full on way but after a few months (where I was just about coping with handling a lot on my own) I noticed his attention. I was so oblivious during it cause I was just not in the headspace and I guess I wasn't identifying myself as single at all or was very slow to. Over a consistent 6 months or so Id get the odd friendly message but didn't think anything of it.
Anyway we met up in the last few months. We had such lovely times in the first month or so and then he suddenly admitted his ex had been in touch. I was utterly gutted. I would have never pursued him (not that I am blaming anyone else) and when I did let my guard down, I really fell for him. And I suppose because he had been around for a good period of time, I sort of decided to trust him. We have very similar interests and well generally I really liked similar things in life. Anyway he sucked me back in (not sexual but romantic) and we hang out sporadically in the Autumn doing various date things together, but it became clear (albeit very slow as I seem to have become a bit daft in dating as I have been out of the game) that he was holding back in lots of ways but still at the same time pursuing me. The only way I can make sense of it is that he sort of decided what he could do with me that was morally acceptable to him (as it turned out all the while he was back with his girlfriend!). Needless to say, I was utterly gutted and confronted him and called it a day. He knew I liked him and he had me in his pocket. I still am utterly gutted cause I thought it was sort of special.
A few weeks after this he got in touch, we went for a walk, I asked why the hell had he not been straight with me and he said it was cause he knew I would stop seeing him. Self serving I know, but I do now we became quite close.
Anyway we met up a couple of times. It's reached the end I suppose, which from a friendship point of view (disregarding his dishonesty) is sad, as I hadn't been with someone I could do things with for years and years. I genuinely really fell for him.
I never thought I would be in a position like this, a bit sore about something and now going through a divorce. It's horrible and my actions have caused my self esteem and self worth plummet, my own fault. As a result, I am internally panicking about leaving the safety and care of my marriage. Realizing there are such sh#ts out there has frightening me. Also realizing that I can fall for such a cad and my judgement was so off has frightening me too.
My husband and I have an agreement and I have spoken to him about my friendship with this guy. However it is making me see that although my marriage has been very unhappy for years that I am now second guessing myself.
Anyway I know this all sounds dreadful as I am not divorced yet. Flame me but my separation and forthcoming divorce has been very very protracted. I now completely appreciate why people say divorce first. I don't expect sympathy at all, but I am not a bad person and I didn't foresee anything like this happening ever in my life.
I have no idea how to shake the hurt and blow and compartmentalise everything to ensure I am making a sound decision, this time.....