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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over this?

25 replies

Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 15:54

I have been ghosted…

I just can’t believe it, and it hurts more than my long term relationship ending! Everything was fine (or so I thought) then one day out of nowhere he said he doesn’t know if it will work the narrative then changed to “ I’m not sure what I want”

We was dating for four months and got along really well, I just can’t stop thinking about him! I stupidly tried reaching out (twice) and got left on read.

I feel angry for letting someone get that close, sleeping with them, letting them in my home just for them to ghost me like I’m nothing! How do you honestly let that go?

OP posts:
JamSandle · 13/02/2024 15:54

I'm so sorry. Its so cruel when people do this. Are you okay?

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 15:55

so last ever message from him was that he wasn’t sure what he wanted?

and how long ago was that?

Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 15:57

It’s soo cruel! I would never do it to anyone - it’s been 3 weeks now but I still find it so shitty! It went from 100 to 0 overnight

OP posts:
outofstate · 13/02/2024 15:58

It's not cruel if someone wants to end a relationship. It's just not what they want. In the search for love we have to make ourselves vulnerable. When it ends it hurts like crazy. Just pick yourself up and wait for the one that works for you and him.

Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 15:59

@outofstate you are so right, but it’s the way it was done that was cruel, a random text out the blue then nothing!

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 16:02

what did the last message he send say OP

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 16:02

do you / he have children?

Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:03

@theeyeshaveit82 that his not sure how much he wants to commit (I never asked him to) and that his not sure what he wants, followed by he would call me later - he never did call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:03

I have children, his never met them - he doesn’t. He used to take my children into consideration when we’d discuss where it was going, he said it wasn’t a issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
RandomForest · 13/02/2024 16:06

I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept it.

I'm sorry you must feel used.

Dating can be dissapointing.

TedMullins · 13/02/2024 16:06

I’m sorry you’re hurt OP but that’s not ghosting, sounds like a standard dumping. People are allowed to change their minds and end relationships. Perhaps he could’ve worded it better and not promised to call when he had no intention of doing so but it isn’t cruel for someone to decide a developing situation is actually not what they want. It’s just the nature of dating unfortunately and it’s not a reflection on you.

Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:11

@TedMullins of course, I guess if it was me I’d still check in and make sure they are ok.

it’s the confusing of two different reasons as to why he wanted to call it off all of a sudden, in one of the messages he said he did want to see me again blah blah so it’s just a feeling of being used.

Not good enough for a relationship for him but good enough for everything else.

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 16:13

Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:03

@theeyeshaveit82 that his not sure how much he wants to commit (I never asked him to) and that his not sure what he wants, followed by he would call me later - he never did call.

he dumped you OP

sorry

Farwell · 13/02/2024 16:14

Sounds like a fairly standard 'its not you, it's me' narrative. He told you it was over, it was a short relationship. He is just doing what everyone always says to do and gone NC.

Take the control back and block him all over. Deep breaths, dust yourself down and move on. It hurts, but you can do this.

roses321 · 13/02/2024 16:14

Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 15:54

I have been ghosted…

I just can’t believe it, and it hurts more than my long term relationship ending! Everything was fine (or so I thought) then one day out of nowhere he said he doesn’t know if it will work the narrative then changed to “ I’m not sure what I want”

We was dating for four months and got along really well, I just can’t stop thinking about him! I stupidly tried reaching out (twice) and got left on read.

I feel angry for letting someone get that close, sleeping with them, letting them in my home just for them to ghost me like I’m nothing! How do you honestly let that go?

It's going to sound trite my dear but better 4 months than 4 years.

It is unbelievably cruel behaviour I agree, and right now it is a huge shock to you and you will need some time to heal from it and process it.

However there will come a time where you realise that him doing that was all on him and nothing to do with you whatsoever. He's probably right, he probably doesn't know what he wants - we all know however what he needs, and that's therapy and to keep his dick in his pants until he is capable of an adult relationship.

It isn't your fault at all, you had genuine intentions and he took advantage of that. Please don't blame yourself for sleeping with him or giving someone your all when you were with them, don't be mean to yourself about that - you didn't know.

What's the betting that as soon as you've forgotten his name and moved on he'll be back in touch to "pick up where we left off" - and when that day comes you can enjoy telling him to fuck right off.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 16:14

Not good enough for a relationship for him but good enough for everything else.

well he had a relationship with you 4 months
but it didn’t work for him
so ended it
entirely his prerogative

and given such a short relationship, his logic might be … what’s the point of staying in contact

mondaytosunday · 13/02/2024 16:15

Yea you say you'd check in but do you really want him to check up on you? Isn't he the last person you need to talk to? It will just keep your hopes up that he cares and may come round.

BCBird · 13/02/2024 16:16

OP no contact is better in the long run. My partner of nearli 2 and a h years called me and said he had fallen in love with someone else. I was not expecting that. It is painful but u will rise again. Be kind to urself.

theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 16:19

mondaytosunday · 13/02/2024 16:15

Yea you say you'd check in but do you really want him to check up on you? Isn't he the last person you need to talk to? It will just keep your hopes up that he cares and may come round.

4 years id expect a check in

4 month? no not really especially as given you have children you presumable didn’t see him a great deal in that 4 months?

Original poster
Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:20

God I feel silly now! Time to brush myself off and move on.

@BCBird sorry that happened to you & hope you are doing well!

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 13/02/2024 16:27

So sorry OP, disappointment out of the blue is hard to accept. You will be looking for reasons but there probably aren't any, other than for some reason he's changed his mind.
He most likely wanted to avoid getting into the whys and wherefores and so decided that saying he's 'not sure if this is what he wants' is enough of a reason to end things. It could have been done in a kinder and more respectful way though.

GreyCarpet · 13/02/2024 19:06

Goingoutmymindd · 13/02/2024 16:11

@TedMullins of course, I guess if it was me I’d still check in and make sure they are ok.

it’s the confusing of two different reasons as to why he wanted to call it off all of a sudden, in one of the messages he said he did want to see me again blah blah so it’s just a feeling of being used.

Not good enough for a relationship for him but good enough for everything else.

Why would you check they were ok?

Something about that makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I wouldn't check someone was ok if I'd dumped them. It would be none of my business and I'd imagine I'd be tyeblast person they'd want to speak to.

Completely smacks of arrogance.

theeyeshaveit82 · 14/02/2024 06:47

you would check up on someone that you finished a 4 month relationship with?

after a 4 month relationship during which given you have children presumably you didn’t see each other a great deal?

no op. just no. if you break up with someone in the future after 4 months… don’t “check up on them”

ZekeZeke · 14/02/2024 06:56

Don't message him again, have some self respect.
He's just not into you.
Brush yourself off and get back dating. Maybe hold off having sex too early in the next relationship as you felt used this time.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/02/2024 11:36

Yeah he didn't ghost you OP, if he'd have ghosted you you'd have heard nothing at all and he did tell you he didn't think it was working nor what he wanted.

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