Should I end this friendship

[fiskal]

Friend and I had our DD's one month apart and as we live close by we see a lot of each other (especially during Covid when the girls were 2-3)

It was all fine when the girls were babies but as they reached toddler age she started to become quite critical of my DD and me and in particular my parenting.

She's an authoritarian parent and I am very much on the gentle attachment side.

My DD is naturally very compliant so there were no behavioural problems but my friend worried openly that DD was too attached to me and would struggle with separation and not cope at nursery or school. She also said repeatedly that if I responded to my DD crying or upset that I was being manipulated and controlled. She was also critical of my relationship and felt that I was doing too much in the home and setting a bad example for my DD.

I took her warnings to heart and worried as she is a primary school teacher and has 2 older kids but I didn't agree and carried on as I thought best.

Her DD was and is pretty wild, behaviour wise and also a very emotional child but I would never have dreamed of critiquing her parenting or being anything but warm to or about her DD.

Now 4 years on my DD is doing pretty well. She didn't struggle with starting school as predicted and she's thriving and happy.

Friends DD on the other hand is really struggling and has just being diagnosed with ADHD, they've started medication for her.

For some reason this is all really bothering me. I wonder now if she was secretly worried about her DD but somehow misplaced that anxiety on to me? I don't really feel able to move past it and I also don't feel I can raise it as she is obviously worried about her DD. I feel that she gaslit me and used her professional and personal experience to make me question my parenting.

I wonder now if she ever wanted the best for me and my family although I'd always thought of her as kind and supportive.

You can end a friendship for any reason, and if you don't want to be friends with her any more, then just end it and save yourself the stress.

It sounds like she's just a critical person and she has gotten away with being critical of you in the past because you haven't said anything or stopped her. Maybe she was secretly worried, maybe she was jealous, maybe she genuinely thought she was right, who knows, but you let her treat you this way for so long without standing up to her or asking her to stop.

She sounds awful: overbearing and self righteous. How dare she criticise your parenting?! Unless a parent is doing something obviously detrimental to their child, nobody has that right. Especially not to criticise as much and as ferociously as she did. Outrageous behaviour from her and not remotely kind or supportive to a friend.

She should have been putting her energy into her relationship with her own dd. Maybe tell her that you are stepping away from the friendship so that she can focus on her own family's problems rather than the imaginary ones she concocted and projected onto your family.

I think Covid was part of the issue. I only really saw DH, DD and this friend as we took the girls out to play and formed a bubble with her. My siblings live abroad and my parents were vulnerable. So I didn't have any other sources who might've counterbalanced her narrative. I do think I let her manipulate me though. I think she did get some satisfaction from feeling superior possibly.

Anyway thanks for the thoughts I will withdraw. Even though she doesn't do the gaslighting anymore who is to say she won't again.

Please consider that her behaviour may have been unintentional. Some people do get a bit preachy when they have children and she may have been projecting her worries onto you without realising. I would personally give her the benefit of the doubt and see what she is like now your children are growing up. Do you enjoy her company? If so, I would give it time.

Hi OP, this seems to have been some time ago. I'm not sure she meant to hurt you (I obvs don't know her) but might have been a bit opinionated navigating this new life as a new mum especially when she had a difficult child at home.

I'm not sure I'd end a friendship over something that's been in the past if it's all fine now. It's up to you of course and you have to set the boundary/ do what you like.

She's not a new mum this was her third child. I was a new mum.

I do like her, outside of the parenting stuff. I admire her as she's over come a lot. She can be funny and sweet.

But the only way we can be friends I think is if we never discuss the girls. I have been worried about her DD and obviously she did tell me about the ADHD diagnosis and medication plan so I feel protective and concerned.

But sometimes I see our dynamic playing out with our daughters and that worries me too. Mind you my DD is more tough than me.

I'd just take a casual step back from the friendship. The dc are older now anyway, and will be making their own friends.

It is around this time that mum friendships do tend to start to drift apart a bit. All you had in common is that you gave birth around the same time. Would you have chosen to make friends with her otherwise?