To put my foot down and say no more

[Popuppenguin]

Every weekend is taken up with something related to DP’s family, they are either demanding to see the children or they need help with diy or want to go shopping/out for lunch. We told them we need to cut down a bit as we never get family time what with working full time in the week. In laws said they understood and I thought that would be the end of it. However FIL has arranged a birthday party for the weekend as a surprise for dp uncle who we are close with. His birthday isn’t for 2 weeks but apparently this is the only date all family can make. I feel guilty for saying no as we are close with dp uncle, but we made our feelings clear that we need alone family time and it feels like they are purposely causing issues by arranging a last minute party. Several relatives we haven’t seen for years will be attending too so the guilt tripping has begun. It’s a 2 hour drive so we can’t pop in for an hour and leave, it’s a whole day thing or not at all.
dp has told me to make the decision if we go as he doesn’t mind either way, so now it’s left to me to take the burden of anger if I turn down the invite. I feel like now is the time to make the stand and say no although it will upset a lot of people. I am just sick to my back teeth of pleasing everyone else to the detriment of my relationship and family.
we had one Sunday alone recently and we didn’t actually have a great time, just housework and a trip to the park, dp felt guilty we hadn’t gone to see his parents. The day just felt off and like it had been wasted as were so used to seeing others we didn’t know how to use the day wisely.
MIL isn’t talking to me because of it (no great loss!) but the fact we are essentially being punished for wanting our own time is just shocking. The bitterness I’m starting to feel just makes me resent his family more. To add no one visits us at our house, if we expect them to come to us it ends in arguments.
So WWYD?

Can you go this week and make a great show of telling everyone you won't get to see them for a while because after this you have several weekends of family/friends plans? Just reminding them all that if they ask you to anything after you won't be able to go.

As it's a big party with family members you get on with and don't see often I'd probably swallow this one, but otherwise I don't blame you for wanting family time alone.

When I got together with my husband (an only child) his parents expected us round for Sunday lunch every weekend. After a while I pushed back and said ok, we'll be seeing my family every Saturday. DH didn't like that "When will we have time to do anything ourselves?", well exactly!! The Sunday lunches every weekend stopped pretty quickly after that. Can you use your family as a similar bargaining chip?

I’d definitely go to the party and make a stand another time when it’s a visit to the house / lunch / diy request. I think missing the party is the wrong battle.

Is there anything to do nearby? Attend the party and do something else there also. Ds's football games have us all over. We Google and find something to fill the rest of the day. Make the journey worthwhile for all of us.

I mean obviously getting up on a Sunday at 7 am, driving to some random area and standing in a field supporting ds is the total dream. A cosy cafe /shopping centre is just a bonus.

Go to the party, look at the next few weeks and see if you can plan a little to balance time and have fun things to do on your family weekends? So March could you have 1 weekend where you plan a family activity or day out, a weekend where you stay local and do cosy things or jobs at home, and a weekend to see IL’s (eg Easter weekend)?

I would also go to the party at the weekend. I would then tell people that you have plans with friends the following weekend and the weekend after … it’s difficult when it’s an occasion not to attend, but otherwise you should be doing your own thing. Very selfish of your in-laws to want your company all the time. They should know you have your own lives!

Or go the night before, leave dc with ils and book a cheeky night in a hotel with dh. It is Valentine's day tomorrow!!

The birthday party of a family member you are close with is not a hill to die on. That's just going to make you look controlling and abusive.

Cut out the other more trivial meet ups instead - sounds ridiculous to drive 2 hours just to go shopping together or help them with a bit of DIY. And yes, they should be travelling to you some of the time. My parents come to visit me and their grand kids far more often than I go to them (but that's entirely their choice to do so).

A birthday party for someone you a close to with all the family gathering together sounds like one of the exceptions. This is the thing you go to. You say no to the DIY and shopping trips and random visits. You say yes to the big family party. Obviously.

I'd go to this one and then agree with your husband one weekend each month where you will meet up with his family and no more.

You don't have to use the other weekends wisely, pjs and picnic food is a good enough reason people like this.

I too think missing the party is wrong battle to choose.

Just go to the party and then stick to your guns after. This is a once off. Don't take it out on the uncle.

Wrong hill.

Go to the party just in the future do something far more manageable like once a month. Is there any reason they can’t come to you. How much is petrol for a round trip? Is it about £20?

yeah, this is how i think too.

My SIL used to do this to us, expected us to drive four hours, though granted it did come with a stay of an overnight or two, in those days I used a diary (how quaint) and DH and I would pencil in stuff we had planned for XY and Z weekends, that way, when she rang and started drilling me, I would say let me get the diary and I could then read the false commitments out with utter fluidity.

She soon got the message and realised that the road ran both ways, though thankfully not too often. 😂

How often do you and dp see your side of the family ? I know that alone time is the point but ideally you’d see both sides pretty evenly.

No need to live by rigid rules. If you’re free that day and want to go then go. If you’re busy or you don’t want to go then don’t. Same for other weekends. But it does seem a bit pointless to decline invites to then stay at home and be fed up that you are not doing anything.

I think everyone is right: pick your battles. But you should feel empowered because even if you go to this event you are going to make sure its the last. From now on you are going to book every weekend through March for your family snd (crucially!) you are going to refuse to make plans mote than three months out unless it is for major holidays.

You don’t have to tell anybody your new rules except DH. They will just argue with you. Also: draw up a list of DIY and chores that need doing, as well as family events (pajama day! Hiking, films, city trios) that you pull out when his parents ask. Llimit yourself to one visit per quarter, if that.

I'd go to this one given it is an actual event with other family members. But I would start trying to make plans for future weekends to make it easier to say no to other things. They don't need to be big, or firm, plans...things like - on Sunday we have various chores around the house we are planning to do; next weekend we are going to have a family day; the weather looks good for Saturday so we'll be prioritising a family hike to make the most of it. Get a bit more regular about this, and perhaps try to plan ahead when you WILL be seeing the PILs...might make it a bit easier?

I'm also on the "Go to the Party" bus.

At least the relatives that you might need to set your stall out to will be there and you'll be able to explain why you're not going to be as available in the future without the message possibly being distorted by other parties (if you catch my drift).

I'd make it very clear that it would be the last event for some time that you would be going to.

Then you get your weekends back.

Also, as your kids get older, they will have activities that they will want to do (sports/dancing/music/whatever) and you'll be the ones having to bring them to/from these activities.
Simply say that it has been lovely seeing everyone today but that you won't be able to see them as often in the future as the kids will have X or Y to do and you need to be around for them.

Make sure that your DH is also singing from the same hymn sheet in relation to this so that you can show a united front about how things will be going forwards.

Thanks everyone, we will be seeing DP’s uncle on his actual birthday but we will go to the party to avoid backlash. I will be making a stand after this though as FIL arranged the party yesterday, very short notice so chances are some relatives won’t come, and I know it was because we said we’re not visiting them this weekend. I don’t see my family so maybe I just don’t understand the etiquette of visits, but to me it’s too much and I need a break from them.

@Popuppenguin

Hope they have the message loud and clear by now.