I need to end this dont I?

[Jazminlovestheflowers]

I've been seeing a man since September last year.
We have a routine of seeing each other once every two weeks when we both have a child free weekend.
This has suited me fine, however I thought by now we would see each other a little more.
The relationship hasnt developed.
We dont do anything outside of his apartment or mine.
He knows I like walking alot, swimming etc ( we live near the coast) hes had plenty of opportunities to join me in these things ( hes outdoorsy and active too) but he hasnt.
Up until about 6 weeks ago I was ok with this but a few things have made me be honest with myself and I've decided I'm not actually happy with this situation any more.
I met his two teenage boys just before Christmas he invited me for dinner on my child free weekend ( his boys go for dinner after school each Friday regardless of whether his weekend with them or not, I think this is really sweet) so I've been invited over a few times when they are still there. I have two teenagers myself and a younger child. We chatted, played cards etc.
I like them and hes told me they have said to both him and his mum that they really like me.
Naturally I started thinking ah were progressing a bit here.
I mentioned him popping in for a cuppa after work during the week to meet my children & so we could see each other , he changed the subject & has changed the subject when I said about going for a dog walk also during the daytime. For context I'll let you know we live only 8 miles apart in nearby towns.
I am a very laid back , calm person & I do not chase someone, I offer & if they decline or basically ignore the offer I respect they obviously do not want to and move on. So I've not been consistently asking him to do things, I'm really not like that at all.
I have friends and family I can do these things with anyway , but I've been really honest with myself the last few weeks and decided yeh it's not enough.
Also the last couple of times I've seen him I've felt a bit bored with the conversation & felt its fizzling out a bit.
I'm 45 , life is way too short to be in dead end situation ships. I'm exclusively seeing him so while I've been seeing him I've said no to other people ( rightly so) I'm now wondering what on earth I'm doing? I'm seeing someone once every two weeks? Is this all I deserve ??
Hes a decent man, were just not compatible, I really, really hate hurting peoples feelings.
I'm rubbish at this sort of thing.
I've decided I no longer want to see this man, I'm due to see him this weekend, he msg me last night saying looking forward to seeing you ( I've noticed a pattern of him doing this a few days before we see each other, I rarely hear from him the rest of the time) something inside me is telling me it's not genuine. Not sure why?!

Anyway how do I end this before the weekend and without hurting his feelings too much? And how do I do it? Over the phone? Msg? Face to face? What would you say?

Message.

Just say it isn't working and you wish him well. Explain how he doesn't seem to want to meet your children etc.

You've given him plenty of opportunities.

The truth.
He might start to make promises but dismiss them. He was happy to plod along half-heartedly until now. A series of gestures won't change anything.
You want something more stimulating, passionate and fun. This chap isn't the one.

Tbh it wouldn’t be the limited time seeing each other that would be the main issue, it’s the fact you do nothing worthwhile with that time.

I was with someone where due to conflicting work patterns and living an hour apart, we only saw each other at weekends but we absolutely made the most of those weekends. We always went out whether for dinner, to an event, did activities, went to parties, met friends etc - as well as downtime at home.

The fact it’s only been a few months but you’re settled into this dull pattern of doing nothing doesn’t look like there’s a future.

I think maybe just reply to his text saying this isn’t working for you and although you wish him well, there’s no point in continuing.

You're convenient for him, and it is clear he has no interest in putting in any sort of real effort.

Stop putting his feelings before your own and bin him off.

"Tbh it wouldn’t be the limited time seeing each other that would be the main issue, it’s the fact you do nothing worthwhile with that time."

I agree. He's supposedly outdoorsy and active but passes up opportunities to enjoy a shared interest with you. It must feel a bit like you're ticking off the 'girlfriend' box for him while he's not arsed who you are.
He's a waste of a good weekend.

You sound lovely OP and definitely deserve better. He is just using you. In terms of breaking up without hurting his feelings- Google how to break up with someone politely over the text and you will see lots of options to use. I've used this myself recently to break up with someone who I realised was wasting my time.

I really appreciate all of your replys, it's like I'm hearing what I already knew but had to hear it! If that makes sense
Thank you

I think it's harsh to break up with someone over text, although at the same time, it does give them a chance to process it at their own pace. If you communicate a lot via text, then fine. Otherwise, maybe a phone call would be better?

I would say, very clearly, that you've enjoyed spending time with him, but don't feel you're compatible long term. Be kind but clear.

Don't bring up any grievances - there's no point, as you've decided you don't want to pursue the relationship. If he asks why you're ending it, just tell him you feel you're incompatible long term and while you've enjoyed the time you've spent together, you want to focus your attention on your family for now.

Good luck, OP! It's horrible breaking up with someone but you can do it kindly.

If it were me I'd just stop contacting him and mirror his level of effort. Tell him "oh sorry I can't come today i'm going out walking" or "i'm going out swimming". That way you're leaving the door open and he can join you if he wants but if he doesn't things will just fizzle out.

Basically stop putting things on hold for him, just live your life and he either fits in or fucks off.

It's strange he doesn't want to be seen out with you. I would wonder what was going on his life when you're not with him, tbh. Either way, it's too much like a booty call, really.

I think you probably do. You're not getting what you want out of the relationship. If he wanted to give you more of himself he would be doing so. You might be able to tease more out of him but why should you have to? He is who he is and you are who you are. Neither of you is in the wrong, you are just not very compatible and want different things. Set yourself free to possibly find what you are really looking for. How you do it doesn't really matter too much, unless you think he has potential to kick off which doesn't appear to be the case. I would make it clear though you are drawing a very firm line in the sand and don't get into a situation where he promises to do more if you just give him a chance.

I'm not sure I agree with everyone's take on him. I'm the sort of person who doesn't message anyone regularly (including DH when we first started dating), and my life is too shy to just 'fit jn' a quick dog walk or pop in for a cuppa unless I schedule it well in advance. So I wouldn't judge him for any of that. It took nearly 6 months before now DH and I managed to get dating on to a once a week rooting and even that wasn't consistent! We both had really full lives we enjoyed that we weren't prepared to up end for a date until we felt things were really going somewhere.

So you might want to spell out that you've reached that point and ask if he has too so that you can start making a bit more time for each other. Risks rejection but might surprise you.

However, you're perfectly entitled to end it just because you want to and it doesn't feel right! Plus it sounds like you're getting bored.

If you feel guilty, just remind yourself he can’t be that bothered about you if his contact and effort is so low.

You won’t be breaking his heart. I echo that he finds the set up convenient

Dont mention his lack of effort if you have realised you now find him boring. You’d only do that if you wanted the relationship to continue with more effort.

Perhaps tell him by text but say he can call you if he wants.

Dont set yourself on fire do keep someone else warm - brilliant saying I learned here on MN.

Sorry, mistake in my post, should read:

Dont set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

Personally I would speak to him I think messaging isn't to friendly for something like that. I can see your point tho hope all goes well for you

I had a similar dilemma recently. Ended politely via text as that’s how we usually communicated. He was a nice guy but just a bit dull. A friend said it was “better than nothing” but I think life is too short to be making do. I felt guilty but it would have been worse to carry on and harder to get out off. Good luck x

A friend said it was “better than nothing”

Oh lord - think of the boredom and irritation generated by having a relationship with someone described like this. 🌹