DH taking over - in the nicest possible way

[Aparecium]

When I was a SAHM and dh worked FT from his work site I did pretty much all the shopping, cooking, laundry etc. No issue with that, and he always pulled his weight with helping/at weekends/other domestic tasks. Even after I went back to work I retained responsibility for this as I worked school hours.

When dh started WFH he would do bits and pieces. He likes to take movement breaks, so he'd do a load of laundry. He always goes for either a run or a stroll every day, so he'd pick up a few groceries on the way.

But then I got Covid followed by Long Covid. Dh was a total rock. He took over running the entire household, while I could just about manage going to work (and then going to bed when I got home).

Two years on, I'm so much better now and I want to take back some of the jobs. I don't have the energy to do it all, but I want to pull my weight. Every holiday we talk about it, and dh agrees. At least during school holidays I will do more of the domestic jobs. But then he cannot seem to let go of the jobs.

Dh, bless him, is the sort who cannot see a job left undone. So by the time I go to do something - he's already done it. And he is methodical, has his routines. I can't just put a load on, or cook dinner from what's in the fridge, because he has plans for it. I no longer have any sense of what's in the house, so I can't just go get a load of shopping or buy something for dinner. And we cook differently, so my 'standard shop' is different to his.

I feel sidelined in my own home. I feel like dh is doing far more than his share now.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I suppose I'm lucky to have this problem. But there is a tiny resentment niggling at me, and maybe at him, too.

Delighted to hear that you’re feeling better OP, and that your husband has been so supportive.

It does sound like his routines have been effective. Perhaps it would help to know his daily plans in advance ? So if he has a particular plan for dinner you could do the shop on his behalf and it won’t clash with his mental schedule. It would also mean that you can keep his support structure in place as you recover, rather than doing a total overhaul all at once.

As you gradually contribute more you’ll eventually end up doing the majority of it independently, at which point you can do whatever you want!

I hope some of the posters in the ‘women do everything’ thread see this!

I'm glad you're better! But it does sound like he is (or becoming?) very controlling. Have you told him how you feel about this?

There's a balance to be struck here though!

I guess by now his routine should be predictable to you, so get in there before he does...he sounds like a good guy ..his just got used to doing it that's all...it happens even with us women. Maybe have days where you shop and cook dinner couple of days..and rest of the days he can do it...if he does laundry, you do the ironing etc, work with him not against him....team work 👍

Why not start with meals - agree you will cook 3 nights a week. Either set days if your schedules allow for it, or forthcoming days to be agreed every weekend if you don’t.

You could either do separate food shops, or give each other lists to take. Perhaps a shared Grocery List Note on phones? My partner and I have combined Note and either one can add to it, so if someone is calling by the shops on the way home they know what items to pick up.

Once this is in place move on to laundry. Again days of the week? Or divide tasks - someone always washes, someone always folds/irons.

Can you send him round to my house? 😂😂 sorry, he sounds so lovely, what a nice problem to have, speak to him, explain, take charge. I'm glad you're better.

You could either do separate food shops, or give each other lists to take. Perhaps a shared Grocery List Note on phones? My partner and I have combined Note and either one can add to it, so if someone is calling by the shops on the way home they know what items to pick up.

I like this idea. It's all about communication, after all! Is there an app that works easily across platforms? I'm Apple, dh is Android.

I have tried it in the past, but dh's only concession to the 21st century is to take a photo of the paper shopping list. Still, I persuaded him to give WhatsApp a try and he is now a complete convert to that.

Long Covid is by its very nature unpredictable. So we could plan on Sunday that I'll cook on Wednesday, but then I come home from work that Wednesday and completely flake out. I'm asking for flexibility from a very organised and methodical man. We are opposites even when I am completely well.

So your DH - who sounds lovely - is very methodical and organised, which doesn't mesh very well with the flexibility that you currently need, due to the unpredictable nature of your illness. Maybe a conversation could start there?

I also wonder if part of his reluctance to hand things over is based on a fear of you becoming unwell again. This would probably be subconscious rather than something he recognises. Perhaps part of him has an irrational belief that you became ill because you were doing more than him (even if this was not the case) and him taking over EVERYTHING is a sort of magical bargain/wish that if he runs around, then you will get well and stay well. It would be worth exploring this with him - and gently pointing out that if he continues to do absolutely everything then there is a good chance that he will run himself into the ground and that is no help to anyone!

It sounds like you have an incredibly strong marriage so I am sure that you can both find a way to resolve this.

Hate to sound flippant but can you send him round? ! I would just be really honest and have a chat in a non threatening way

I wouldn't push it, if you've got Long Covid. So have I and I know what the fatigue is like. I wouldn't put myself through it for domestic chores that my OH was happy to do and was doing perfectly well.

If you've got extra energy do something nicer. Something for yourself. Work and sleep is just boring. Been there and done that.

I was actually thinking the same thing! I read this thinking 'oh bloody hell, I can totally understand my exs point now!' 🙈🙉

A lot of it is probably that it is so ingrained in his routine that he does it automatically or just does it as he is worried you won't get around to doing it so he might as well while he has time. I'm like this and I would in no way say I'm controlling! I also enjoy doing all the jobs in the house as it calms anxiety for me. I think you need to have some sort of proper division of labour and then if one day you aren't up to it you let him know in the morning.

I would suggest to you the same thing I suggest to families where the man has abdicated all responsibility - don't try to do tasks, rather agree set responsibilities for each of you. eg it might be that you are now cooking 3 times a week, including meal planning for those meals. Shopping can be decided between you (we use Alexa and I can just download the list to my phone and send it to DH on WhatsApp if he's the one doing the shopping. Previously, we had a magnetic pad on the fridge and it was regularly photographed by someone at home and sent to the person who was out).

Re other chores - perhaps you take on laundry. Or, if you're not quite up to that, perhaps you take on bedding and towels and it's agreed that those are changed somewhere between Tues-Thursday to give you some flexibility depending on how you feel?

Sounds like he has taken very good care of you and agree you need to step up now and start doing your share. If you really want to help then either assign tasks - as you say your illness is unpredictable let him stick to the shopping/cooking so there’s always a meal. You could take on the hoovering, dusting or another type of job that can wait a day if you’re feeling unwell. Alternatively beat him to it, you say he is methodical in his routine so I am sure you will have a good idea of what is done when. I do pretty much everything in this house (my husband works harder than me I am more than happy with our roles), when he is off work and asks if I need a hand I always say no as I have everything planned out in my head and to be honest assigning tasks (and often providing instructions ) just adds to my mental load so I am happy to just crack on and do it. That said if he just takes it upon himself to do something it’s always appreciated. At the weekend for instance he noticed the windows looking a bit dirty so he just went and cleaned them, he doesn’t need my permission to do a chore and nor do you! He also knows it’s a job I don’t enjoy so he got extra brownie points! Or the other day I moaned I had forgotten to fill the car up
so when he nipped to the shops he took mine and filled up for me. As I say he could see something to do so went and did it to help me out. If you want to help do your share stop talking and do, check the laundry basket, the ironing pile, run a duster around. There is always a job to be done in a house regardless of how organised he is.

Could you meal plan and write the list together so you know what's going on. I often prepare the ingredients for hubby to cook when he gets in, or if he's going to be late, I do the cooking too. I plan the meals normally with input from hubby and son and hubby does the weekly shop.
Or could you take over other tasks like washing, hoovering or rubbish putting out. Start small and add things gradually when you can. Maybe make a list of chores and come to an agreement over what can be your responsibility and be firm.

@Aparecium i think it’s too early for you to try and get back into a ‘normal’ routine. I’m talking health wise there.

And i think this is your issue more than anything. You want to be well. You want to be ‘productive’ and not looking ‘lazy’. But if you still have that many days where you come back home so exhausted you simply have to go to bed, then I believe you need rest and recover still.

Instead of looking at the cooking or washing, take on more random tasks when you can. I don’t know. Sort out the admin. Clean the bath. So your dh still has his routines but you being unwell and needing flexibility doesn’t impact as much. Because let’s be honest, it’s also hugely frustrating when you have your routines that work well and someone wants to help and creates mayhem because simply because it puts said routines out of kilter. Its more energy consuming and frustrating imo.c

And yes it is really frustrating when you dint know how things are done and it nearly feels like it’s not your home anymore because your dh has organised it so it works for him.
That frustration is normal (been there, done that and got the tshirt too). But I think dealing with it starts with acknowledging it’s ok for you to not do too much. It doesn’t say anything about you that you’re not doing much. And certainly shouldn’t compare what you are doing now with what you were esp seeing that you and your DH didn’t split things 50/50 when he started wfh, as he should have really.

If he likes routine and structure, maybe it would be better for you to take over the whole of something, eg all the laundry or all the cooking or whatever? That ways he can still keep his systems for the remaining jobs. FWIW I'm a bit like your husband and find it actively unhelpful when my husband randomly starts washing things or buys ingredients- I'll come downstairs with the sports kit I need to wash for tomorrow only to find the machine full of towels on a 4 hour cycle which were washed yesterday. It would be easier to hand over the whole job than work around his occasional bursts.

Poor sod, can't do right for wrong. Don't help out as much, LTB - helping out and letting his wife get full rest, controlling bastard.

OP, in fairness he has agreed that it's time for the load to be shared a bit, but I do see how it can be difficult. I am notorious for doing something myself because I don't think DH does it in quite the right way. Perhaps start splitting the tasks now, picking one thing up every week.

I have the same issue with my partner. He’s a much more organised and methodical person than I am and so we tend to clash on styles and I sometimes feel like a guest in my own house as he’ll reorganise stuff that I’ve put somewhere or buy a particular brand of something because he’s decided it’s best and then it’s ‘wrong’ if I get something different. In some ways it’s a nice problem to have, and I’d much rather have someone engaged in the household duties (compared to some ex boyfriends I’ve had!) But there def is a balance to be struck.

I’ve found it is best to carve out some specific jobs that you are responsible for that he doesn’t get involved with- the food shop is one area I’ve found works for me. And also I organise a lot of things to do with the kids which suits me well (I sort out buying their clothes/stuff they need, organise how their rooms are set up, communicate with preschool/doctors etc). And then I’ve had to let go of other areas- like he’ll constantly be reorganising household items (and joking how he needs to update my orientation session when I don’t know where stuff is) and he’ll always restack the dishwasher after I’ve done it because he has a particular method. It drives me mad in some ways but I guess it’s also just part of a long term relationship where you live together- eventually you learn to live with some quirks and try to change those you can’t.

I have to admit I quite like it sometimes when he’s away for a week with his mates and I have full control of the house, but equally the novelty would wear off and I’m overall glad he’s so helpful! It’s also been something I’ve had to let go of feeling guilt about as sometimes I’ve felt like a ‘bad housewife’ even though I also work and look after the kids more than him so actually, it’s been partially about reprogramming my brain too. I just get embarrassed when his mum is over and I have to go and ask my partner where the floor cloths are etc! But l guess it’s all part of the slow road to equality!

OP you may be relieved to know that NAMALT.
😉

I really appreciate the different perspectives you're putting forward here. Some of the things you say make a lot of sense, and give me helpful ideas.

I'm just going to mention two things:

1. our split of work before I had Covid was fair. Perhaps it didn't look like 50/50, but it worked for us and neither of us felt over-burdened.

2. I bloody hate Long Covid and feel over-burdened by it.

Long Covid is shit @Aparecium
((hugs))

and I think that, suddenly being restricted in what you can do, in effect being (temporarily) disabled is very hard to adjust to.

I hope you’ll carry on on your road to recovery, as you gave done so far.

(Unusually for MN) I too have a very domesticated partner, and it can feel hard to play a role at home at times. What has helped us is writing a schdule for meal cooking each week (but having the flexibility to change it, according to circumstances) plus me being solely responsible for the laundry (though this can cause issues too, as my methods don't past muster at times).

Though it's good not to be shouldering the entire domestic workload, the battle for a bit of control and autonomy can be tiresome too

Are you quite mad?!? Sit down...or send him to me.....