Unhinged MIL supposedly ill but potentially using it to behave worse?

[Roastpotatoed]

I know that there are so many threads about crazy MILs here. And I first posted my thread asking for help with her worrying/odd behaviour which caused me to have severe PND 10 years ago. I got lots of brilliant advice here. Many concerned for my mental health because of her crazy making and it's actually thanks to MN that I began speaking up about the behaviour and eventually erected boundaries around me and my child. I would go as far as to say she harrassed me. There were even calls in the middle of the night where she stayed silent. All discovered to be her the time she forgot to withhold her number first. There was always a "reason" for the behaviour from everyone else. I don't care to label her anymore, but I know what she is.

In the last 10 years, I have learned that she's actually worse than I feared she ever was and her behaviour worsened over the years until I became NC. I eventually divorced my husband in the end because he failed to support me and was inadvertently enabling her.

After lots of warnings on MN that she would eventually turn my children against me, she's actually managing to turn them against her, but I'm concerned about the things she is saying to them. I have spoken to my ex and, as usual, there's an excuse however it has changed from "she means well" to " she's losing her memory." What he means is that he thinks she has alzeimers/dementia but she has no diagnosis and nobody seems to be pushing for one. However, I also cynically can't help feeling that this is another exuse for her emotionally abusive behaviour. She takes great pleasure in playing the children off against each other (siblings and cousins), is saying odd things about the children not loving her enough to the children, said that my eldest child wanted her to die to her face. Tbf, I think she is potentially losing her memory from stories my ex has told me and him and his family have apparently told her they have worries for her, but I'm concerned that she may be using this as an excuse to cause even more distress than usual. She gets off on putting others down to make her feel more powerful. It's how she operates.

I can't control the children being around her anymore since I'm separated from their father, but I am concerned about how much he's going to allow to happen as she "worsens" and all the excuses. I'm worried for my older child who is already struggling with anxiety.

Both my grandmothers had dementia and they never said awful things to me or my children before they passed away. Although I know it does sometimes happen.

I feel quite triggered because I don't want my kids being made to feel how she made me feel and now she has this added excuse of illness built in. My ex will make every excuse going for her. He's spent his life doing it and if she's actually 'ill" it will be even worse.

How do I protect my children from this woman?

What an awful situation for you.

How old are your children? Can you explain to them the background, what she is like and how she operates and also explain how dementia can impact things?

If she was unpleasant when younger, dementia isn’t going to make her a better person now.

Hi @TheSnowyOwl they are 10 and 7. I have said a few things already about "grandma says silly things that don't make sense" but she's so emotionally manipulative. She'll take their baby cousin away from them when she's sitting with them playing and say things like "you love grandma most don't you, you're grandma's girl" and it's hurtful behaviour. My ex denies this is hurtful because she speaks to the baby in this way when our children aren't around too. I've tried emphasising that if she's speaking like this when the children ARE around this is not ok but he can't see the difference. It's bizarre that he can never see any negativity in her when it's so obvious.

I realise that too, she's going to get worse isn't she.

Talk to your kids, as you have been, to make sure they know she is talking nonsense.

Teach them that if ever she makes them feel uncomfortable / unhappy / hurt, they must not only tell you but they must immediately tell their father.

Teach them they can walk away.

Your ex quite possibly doesn’t see it because I would assume she was like it in his childhood, so he views it as normal and hasn’t been able to step back and see her for what she is.

I think they should be able to understand and listen to you at that age, so hopefully you will be able to ensure they remember what you say rather than allowing her to manipulate them.

Yes, I imagine so although maybe in a way that will mean that the children will give her a very wide berth anyway.