Counselling

[Daisy12Maisie]

I've got a really stressful job at the moment which is taking its toll but I'm also now thinking I need some counselling for my self esteem. I can manage really well at work but in my personal relationships I feel I get walked all over.
I had an emotionally abusive parent and the other one was an alcoholic and much as I don't want to use that as an excuse I think it's impacted my personality so much as I am quite anxious and a people pleaser. I am in a relationship currently and it's not going well. I think that is because I find it really difficult to articulate what I want even if it's really basic. So for example I need you to come to my house this evening as I need to get up early for work. I feel anxious even suggesting it as he prefers to be at his house so nearly all the time (I don't see him much) we will be at his house.
There are lots of other examples but basically I feel like I'm bossed around but that is probably because I don't make it clear what I want each time although he does know overall.
So I'm thinking the best thing is maybe to have some counselling and try and build up my self esteem and stay single because I always get walked all over in relationships. There are lots of examples but my children's dad was very abusive. Not much violence but some. It was mainly coercive and controlling behaviour and I was an absolute nervous wreck walking on egg shells around him. With my current bf I get really anxious messaging him to say can you collect me from the train station as the train has broken down. I can tell him it's broken down but I can't go as far as to say I need you to come and help me.
He knows how I feel about wanting him to come to my house but doesn't offer. Then I think it's not up to him to offer basic things it's up to me to ask him to come over although I just automatically offer to go to his so wish he would do the same and I've told him that. I think I should have been clear with boundaries to start with and insisted it was 50/50 So if anyone has any suggestions please can they let me know? Ideally things that are free as I don't have much cash. So any apps or podcasts about building self esteem and assertiveness. I'll see if I get the counselling though work as I wouldn't be able to pay for it. I think because of how I've been treated I struggle to know what's normal in relationships as well. I'm scared to raise the little things so then they become big things.

Sounds like new partner is a bit of a selfish arsehole.

You raise a brilliant point when you say 'if I was him I would xyz'. Exactly. Decent people make the effort for people they care about.

Now I'm not necessarily talking about mind reading here. But you've told him what you need already. And he isn't meeting you with that. It's not our job to nag people into giving us basic human respect and empathy. And it's not possible to make people who lack these things, suddenly develop them.

All we can do is set boundaries for OURSELVES regarding treatment we won't accept. And if people treat us in those ways, we leave them.

I would use YouTube. It might help to fully understand narcissistic abuse so that you can spot it in future. That'll make you feel more confident in yourself because you'll feel better equipt to swerve these sorts. Doctor Ramani on YouTube is good.

Secondly, learn about codrpendency (people pleasing behaviour often developed by victims of abuse or neglect).

I am a counsellor OP and work with many women like you. There is a lot you can do by yourself, and if you do get free counselling through work I encourage you to try that as well.

This is a free assertiveness self-help program
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

I highly recommend this little book - it's very cheap to get the e-book - it has fantastic practical suggestions.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Boundaries-After-Pathological-Relationship-Adelyn-ebook/dp/B00NHTXEOK

Hi OP - I'm sorry you're struggling. It's fantastic that you're able to identify and articulate where you might need help though - a really good start.

Could you see if your employer has an Employee Assistance Programme that offers free therapy. Lots of larger organisations have it as part of insurance or well being packages.

Your Legitimate Rights (from DBT therapy).

Print this list and put it somewhere you can look at it every day (mirror, fridge).
To remind you of your value and importance as a human being.

1. You have a right to need things from others
2. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
3. You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
4. You have a right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as legitimate.
5. You have a right to your opinions and convictions.
6. You have a right to your experience- even if it's different from that of other people.
7. You have a right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad for you.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it).

10. You have a right to say no; saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish. 11. You have a right not to justify yourself to others. 12. You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem. 13. You have a right to choose to not respond to a situation. 14. You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others.

in my personal relationships I feel I get walked all over

All personal relationships, including family/friends? Or just romantic relationships?

Counselling is available on the NHS free.You can self refer.Ask at your GP surgery.Good luck.