Future SIL & MIL

[Olivia1987]

I’m sure this won’t be new to anyone, but it is for me. My FH is a right mummy’s boy. Lived at home until he moved in with me and my son from a previous relationship at the age of 33. His dad was desperate for him to have his own life with someone and made that pretty clear to me one of the few times I got to meet him before he sadly passed away. He was a lovely man. I think if he was still here things would be much different for everyone.

my FH mother and sister are so possessive. At first things were fine I actually really enjoyed their company and i was so happy to one day be part of the family. Until we announce we were expecting a baby. They just changed. So many things have happened to make me want to back off. His mum dropped by unexpectedly with family on Sunday evening, no warning, I was in my jammies, no bra on, greasy hair, trying to get my son to bed for school the next day, trying to cook and clean, hang up a wash and pregnant, I was expected to drop everything and host? Or was I because his mum was flaunting round our messy house bragging about money as if she was Queen of the world. It was utterly humiliating. I was so upset. However they didn’t see anything wrong in what happened. It was such a horrible feeling. No apology until months later when my FH forced his mum to say sorry because I was distancing myself from them both so much.

Upon announcing my pregnancy. His sister first responds was “was it planned” I have a feeling they think I’ve trapped him. Up until the end of January they have not once asked about the baby. How things are going at all. Again until my FH mentioned this to them and now they force the occasional message but it’s not genuine.

They have been rude to my mother, who has been nothing but generous, kind and courteous to both.

They use money as a way to get what they want. More so his mother. She offers to help him financially, then has a tantrum when he takes her up on it. Bitching about him. Just don’t offer if you don’t want to. She goes on and on about money. If he wants a loan from her he has to drive 40 minutes to collect her from her house then drive her half an hour to the nearest bank because she refuses to do anything on her own. Which is fine when he has the time. He doesn’t always fancy doing that on his Saturday. It takes up a huge part of the day, so he hasn’t actually had many loans. I think she thinks I spend all his money. We are getting married and she kindly offered to help pay but I didn’t realise there would be strings attached. She’s inviting her own friends who neither me or my FH have ever met. Saying that she won’t know anyone. Yeh ok just your whole family. My dad has actually helped us more with the financial side of the wedding and he’s not demanding things of us.

His sister has been saying that he never sees her. Using their dad’s death as blackmail, we are busy, we both work full time and look after our 5 year old. She’s older than me and moved back in with her mum. She doesn’t go on at her friends like she does to her brother. I’m afraid as we get older we make families of our own and they become priority. She doesn’t have a partner or children so she has the luxury of doing whatever she wants, problem is she has no one to do it with because all her friends are married with kids and now her brother is to. We can’t spend our entire weekends in the pub and spending money on eating out. We just can’t. She doesn’t understand.

They don’t listen when we try to explain this. It’s just been so hard recently. It’s put enormous strain on my relationship with my FH because he’s choosing them over me. I’m having our baby next month and it’s all getting too much. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to be in a relationship where he could one day just get up and go home to mummy’s. I don’t trust him. He says he agrees with me and then goes behind my back and agrees with them. I know they drink a lot in the evenings his mum can be cruel when she’s had a drink. She’s cruel to her daughter and my FH. I think they are both scared of her, that’s why she’s be able to carry on like this.

I know it all seems so childish. I just want a happy life with my son. I don’t want all this. It’s stressful and worrying. Sorry if you’ve read all this and think what a childish idiot this woman is. Maybe I am being childish. It’s better to get everything out though.

I usually happily bang the drum for DIL’s, especially pregnant ones, but I have to say I am on the fence here.

I think it’s a bit over the top to expect an apology because she popped round to your house uninvited one time. Would you be this annoyed if your own mum popped round?

“If he wants a loan from her he has to drive 40 minutes to collect her from her house then drive her half an hour to the nearest bank because she refuses to do anything on her own.”
Are you serious? If he’s that put out by having to drive her to pick up his loan, god forbid, then don’t take any money from her, simple.

I do however agree it is unfair you are feeling side lined and that your DH is saying one thing to you and another to MIL, but I am afraid that is a DH problem. You need to sit down and have a chat with him about your feelings and set clear boundaries with his family before baby arrives.

He needs to financially support himself. Not run to mil. Or drive.

Hmmm.

If you didn’t want visitors why didn’t you say it was a bad time and not let them in?
Why is he asking for so many loans? Does he work and has he paid back all of his debts to her?
You’re not owed money for your wedding, decline her offer if you don’t want it.
They can spend their money as they wish, why’s that a problem?
If you don’t want to go to the pub say no and ignore any complaints.

Why don’t you trust him? What’s he doing with them that makes you so uneasy? If you split up it’s inevitable he’ll move back to his mum’s, I wouldn’t worry about it, there’s no point.

You sound stressed and unhappy. If you don’t trust him then split up. That’s the problem, not his mum and sister. I don’t really see any major crimes in your list. Some minor irritations that you can choose to ignore if the rest of your life was going well.

I think you need to stop taking money off her, take away the things she has over you both.
Not sure how far on your wedding plans are but perhaps you can scale them back and return her money, if you FH hasn't got your back though you have bigger problems, mummy's boys will always put you second

I would imagine DP's Mother is going to be a large part of your LO's life. It seems from your post that your partner values his mother and sister so, however your and his relationship pans out, they will be involved with his DC.
I can't see what they have done wrong, and at 33 with a DC on the way DP should not need 'loans'.
You know the phrase "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer".

Stop taking anything from her if you can, although I understand you can't control FH. He really isn't helping here at all.
I've been there with a toxic SIL and MIL duo. They aren't just showing their feelings towards you but to your FH aswell. They are inadvertently ruining his life/relationship/family although I often wonder if these women subconsciously know exactly what they're doing.

My MIL and SIL won in the end after 10.years of shit. It really ramped up towards the end. As your parents are more emotionally stable I'm wondering if it's worth you FH spending more time with your family if you can master this somehow. If he sees how functional, supportive people behave, I'm thinking he may distance from his naturally.

Unfortunately I had no family support around me which pushed him further towards his own family of origin for support.

I think a serious talk needs to be had before the baby comes. Perhaps tell him you don't want to see them until they can behave respectfully towards you. He needs to see you as a unit and support his 100%

What's FH?! Not an abbreviation I've come across before on here?

Future Husband.

I'm surprised nobody has said he is the problem. If he could grow up and act like an adult then none of this would be happening. Have you thought about marriage counselling OP?

While MIL and SIL sound quite unpleasant, but I do think that your problem is really your OH.

My partner changed jobs which came with a huge pay cut so it has been tough as the cost of living has gone up and she was happy to help. That’s all it was. I think she lent him money a couple of times. It’s the pay back though I mean he’s paying her back but what she expects back is his total loyalty to her whatever time of day it is. if she doesn’t get it then she starts being mean.

I agree with people saying that it’s him I have an issue with. I think this is true. I have also told him this.

we have both decided to pay her back for the wedding. I checked the invoice last night and it’s not as much as I thought it was anyway. Since we paid for some of it ourselves anyway. We will be telling her that as much as we appreciate it, we think it’ll be better for the relationship to pay her back.

I knew it would seem so trivial to some people and I’m sure parts of it are but they are seriously impacting our relationship. It was never like this before. I know they think I’ve trapped him and spend all his money but his sister was fine letting him spend his money on her before.

he’s a wonderful, kind, caring man. He’s taken on my son as if he’s his own and makes such a huge effort with him. I know he’ll be a wonderful father to our son as well. It’s just this whole thing lingering over us.

we have decided to sit down and compose a message to both his mum and sister just saying that at the moment we need to concentrate on our family and while never excluding them we just need them to back off for a bit. His sister will not stop if she isn’t reminded. Well that depends if she listens to him now. She normally doesn’t. They are both very head strong woman who have, as far as I can tell, just boss my FH (future husband 🙄) around. Yes he may need to grow up and stick up for himself but I can’t force him to do that. I would like him to and he knows it.

Get a book on narcissistic mothers. Get your FH to read it. Then put the strategies in place she sounds like a nightmare.

His mum dropped by unexpectedly with family on Sunday evening, no warning, I was in my jammies, no bra on, greasy hair, trying to get my son to bed for school the next day, trying to cook and clean, hang up a wash and pregnant, I was expected to drop everything and host? Or was I because his mum was flaunting round our messy house bragging about money as if she was Queen of the world. It was utterly humiliating. I was so upset. However they didn’t see anything wrong in what happened.

I don’t really understand what happened here-why were you so humiliated? Where was your boyfriend? What hosting were you expected to do? If you were cooking your dinner, presumably you’d be saying, ‘oh sorry, we’re about to put x to bed/sit down and eat!’

Well if you had people just drop by when you were feeling rubbish, looking rubbish and the house was a state would you feel embarrassed!? I can’t help feeling the way I did. They just turned up with an elderly family couple who needed to use the toilet and because we were so shocked my FH just let them in. His mum and sister are very pushy and 9 times out of 10 get what they want. I would have said all of that to them and not let them in but it didn’t work out like that. The fact that they didn’t even apologise for any inconvenience caused and couldn’t see why it could upset anyone is my problem. She was swaning about my house enjoying every moment of it. She knew I was uncomfortable and loved it. She also knew it was my son’s bedtime and that didn’t stop her. It feels like nothing can.

Well if you had people just drop by when you were feeling rubbish, looking rubbish and the house was a state would you feel embarrassed!?

I might have felt a bit embarrassed, yes. I would have said-‘you should have said you were coming, I’m not feeling well and it’s dinner/bed time, we aren’t ready for guest’ so the visitors knew you’d been caught in the hop.

I would have probably just carried on putting my child to bed and let my husband deal with his parents. Then you aren’t there to notice if she’s ’swanning about’. I can’t really imagine feeling ‘utterly humiliated’ by that.

Errr ok rude! You can’t tell other people how to feel
just because you might not feel like that! I had no bra on, in my jammies meeting these people for the first time in my life. Greasy hair rushed off my feet desperately in need of a shower oh and also pregnant.

I'm glad you’d feel completely comfortable and welcome visitors into your house feeling and looking like that. All for you! Miss wonderful

My FH is a right mummy’s boy.

I could have stopped reading there, and alas, I wasn't wrong. Relationships with mummy's boys never end well. There is no happily ever after with a man baby.

But you said it was an elderly couple from their family and needed to use the toilet? I really don't see this as being all that terrible? Is there somewhere else very close that they could have used the toilet?

I couldn't turn away elderly relatives needing the loo, or get that worked up about them catching me on the hop. It's not that easy to hold your bladder when you're older.

And yes, stop taking their money.

From what you've written I really don't see what they've done wrong? Maybe it's the way your posts are written but it comes across like you just really don't like them and want to isolate your husband from them more.

I’m not being perfect. I agreed that I might be a bit embarrassed. I think saying you were ‘utterly humiliated’ was an overreaction! Letting an elderly person who needed the toilet in, was the right thing to do.

You sound quite hard to get on with.
You complain about your partner having to drive your mil to the bank to get out money FOR HIM. So you think not only should she lend a grown up about to be parent money but she should spend a lot of her day getting it from the bank on her own?
Entitled behaviour

You're handing them all the power and playing to their drama. You CAN say no whrn the occasion requires it. Hold to your way of living your own life. Don't compose tortured pleading messages, just leave them alone. Cool non commital rpelies when you absolutely have to, or "mmm, is that so".

I think I tend to agree with other posters that there’s a lot you can do to manage this.
You know what your MIL is like with money so just don’t take any. The minute you get money involved there just are strings involved - at least for most people. It might mean a couple of sacrifices but it will be worth it.
yup, I’d be embarrassed at being caught not ‘guest ready’ and unprepared for hosting, but not much you can do there.
Set your own boundries, together with Dh, around how much time you want to spend with them, and be prepared to just say ‘ah, we’ve got loads to get through this weekend, must get together soon’ - I’d go breezy and informal rather than create a big ‘we need you to back off’ message. That’s bound to create drama and arguements.
my Dh whilst a marvellous bloke found saying no to his family hard sometimes, but learnt to say ‘ I need to check with isthisjustnormal first’. This is easy when the kids are little as everyone assumed I knew the kids diary better than he did, but most importantly it ensured we agreed what we committed to together. Basically he knew pissing me off was never a good plan ;-). (His family are actually lovely tbf!!)

OP the problems are not your SIL and MIL (as annoying as they sound) the real problem is your partner. Really? Asking him mummy for money and making a fuss because she did not give it to him in a silver plate? What is going to be next? You serving him breakfast is bed and complaining because the toast is getting slightly cold?

Good luck OP you are going to need it with such a man child around.

I might have been a little annoyed at first but then just get on with it, this reaction seems over the top, there is no need to turn it into some grand saga

the text message is a bit dramatic, pay back the money, don’t ask for loans. Ever.

and just pull back. The text message will make it a whole thing that will cause unnecessary drama

Sorry op but I agree with pp that the issue is with your partner, yes his family seem annoying but a lot of it is to do with him.
It’s a shame he’s had a pay cut but this might mean you both need to scale back, rather than him continuously loaning money from his mother. Of course he should drive her to the bank and back, he’s borrowing money so least he can do.
I wouldn’t have been happy with my mil turning up unannounced but in hindsight I’d have apologised and explained it wasn’t a good time and you’ll see them soon.
Sadly when a parent dies, siblings tend to either drift apart or want to be close to their family. Yes her life is very different to yours but surely once a month you could arrange to meet up?

Draft the message but don’t send it. You and your partner need to set boundaries but you don’t need to make them fully explicit to the in laws just yet. You can distant yourselves by not agreeing to plans etc. The text will not go down well, it will cause an argument and you’re already worried that your partner will return to his mum. This will result in your mil blaming you,
not him and she will eventually get him back on side .