Used and abused by people who were meant love me, all of my life

[poorlypolly]

I've just started counselling having been left by my husband for OW after years of being an absent husband and father. We have kids with AN amd they have no interest in him. It's mutual . He doesn't bother with them.
I'm about to get deep into divorce plus I've been using alcohol to escape so I decided to knock that on the head and strengthen up through will and counselling to support me through it.
Even in the first couple of sessions, it's become a reality that all through my
Life , I've been used( sexually, practically and financially) and abused emotionally by those who said/ meant to love me.
I enabled all of this.
Why , firstly?.... and where do I go with this realisation? Have any of you posters / contributors ever been through this and how did you heal or what worked for you.
From childhood to the present day and I am 48.
I was not used or abused sexually until my early twenties

This is also me so watching this thread with interest. I think I have always been a people pleaser. People say I'm too kind and nice. I always think other people have good intentions but in reality I think most people are actually total cunts. I am 41 and I'm just starting to realise this. My first boyfriend at 16 was an abusive cunt. Now my husband of 10 years is starting to show his true cunty colours im wondering if anyone is actually a decent human being.

Anyone, please?

I was raised by distracted parents, who were distracted by their own fighting. I had to suppress my own feelings because when they were fighting, nobody was listening to me, and when they stopped, I didn't want to destroy the peace or upset anybody.

So, I learned to suppress my feelings in order to have a peaceful life.

That was the pattern I took into my romantic relationships; adults fight, and people have to suppress their feelings in order to experience love. I had counselling in my early 40s and realised that all the abusive relationships I'd had in my adulthood were my own choice, because I didn't realise I was supposed to choose better, and choose according to what made me feel good. Once I realised that I had to take responsibility and walk away from things and people I felt bad around, life's been much better. Lovely partner now.

What was your childhood like? Are you saying that the emotional abuse started then, and that's when you started enabling it? When you were a child?

Thanks for such an honest response. It wasn't emotional abuse per se. It was emotional neglect . I am the eldest sibling and a lot was expected from f me. My mother was discontented generally but flourished when in the company of her friends and socially. She loved me but I'm pretty sure that she didn't like me. I didn't toe the line and was expected to be very hands on with all my younger siblings. I was a disappointment I think. We clashed.
My parents didn't really get on that well and I was always hyper aware and vigilant. Couldn't bear the stress of the regular arguing . To this day, shouting triggers me. It makes me scared so I probably kept my head down in an effort to keep the peace for my siblings and I .

I married a shouter and that's when I really started to appease... hiding things from him about the kids , cleaning before he came home, making sure the kids didn't irritate him as he was hyper critical and always looking for faults. I didn't argue with him as firstly I wanted to protect the kids and secondly he couldn't manage his emotions and did never care what he shouted and in front of who . He was an embarrassment with a quick temper
also.
We have peace at last . Our home is calm and harmonious and we all love it. He does not feature in their lives as they are afraid of him I think.
My father was an alcoholic so essentially absent as a parent. I felt very loved by him.

I enabled all of this

No you didn't. You absolutely did not. You have been their victim all this time.

You haven’t enabled all of this. If you were raised in an abusive home by abusive parents, society taught you to love your abuser.

it’s a very hard cycle to break and I’m still trying. But it is not your fault. It may become a comforting dynamic to return to as it’s what you know and expect in a relationship but it is not your fault. It’s a learned behaviour.

You’re at the difficult stage of counselling, where you’re being confronted with difficult stuff you’ve either remained unaware of or suppressed for years, because it was your ‘normal’. I think I got very angry. A good therapist will give you skills to keep going and practice self-care as you keep unpicking threads from your past. Go easy on yourself.

@poorlypolly I can relate to your post and others on here. I wasn’t allowed to show any emotions as I was growing up. I learnt to keep my head down and stay unnoticed, under the radar while my parents battled. I became a people pleaser and I had two consecutive marriages to emotionally distant men who were covertly abusive and neglectful. After the failure of my second marriage I started to examine my own behaviour and realised I had no boundaries and accepted poor behaviour from others as that’s what I had witnessed growing up with an abusive father.
I came across a book recently, which I’m finding helpful, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving ( a bit of a wanky title 😂) by Pete Walker. It examines attachment style and our responses to trauma. I can identify with his description of the “Fawn type” which he describes as someone who seeks safety in merging with needs, wishes and demands of others, forfeiting all their needs, rights and preferences to avoid conflict “.