Difficult DM and treating GC differently

[MadamSmith]

DM has always been a difficult woman and I would describe our relationship as strained. She lives alone, we live a couple of hours away and visit every three months for a weekend at a time, which is the most we can stand.

DM treats my two DC differently, favours the oldest and picks on the youngest. They are DD aged 10 and DS aged 15. This trip has been the same as previous visits and last night I told DM to leave DD alone as she was chastising her unnecessarily harshly for a minor digression (something like leaving a coat on a chair instead of hanging it up) and blaming her for other minor things that the other DC had actually done. Previous issues have included commenting on DDs weight amongst other things.

Before this visit DD got upset and said she didn’t want to come because of my DM’s comments. I acknowledged the behaviour but said please come this time and we will ignore DGM’s comments. My problem now is that DGM’s comments are having a clear impact on DD and so I don’t want to send either of my DC the message that this is ok.

Options now seem to be:

1. Carry on as we are, visiting for a couple of days at a time, challenging DM’s behaviour whenever it arises and making clear to both DC that it is unacceptable. My concern with this is the impact it is having on DD who is visibly upset so I feel like something has to change.
2. Visit but stay in a hotel to give us a bit more space.
3. Leave DD at home with DH and just bring DS. Not keen on this as she will miss out on days out which feels like a punishment when DD isn’t in the wrong
4. Visit on my own without the DC, which DM would hate and she would make the visit unbearable for me
5. We all stop visiting
6. Tell DM she needs to stop or we won’t visit again. She will just deny doing anything and carry on as she is, probably with a little extra vindictive behaviour thrown in

From protecting my DC perspective i feel like 5 is the best option but I feel a lot of guilt about not visiting DM. I have a sibling who also visits occasionally so she would not be entirely alone. She has other GC but it is only my DD that she treats differently which is probably a reflection of the difficult relationship I have with her.

So I’m open to thoughts on which of these options, or a different approach to take please.

If 6 won’t work I’d do 4 next time, and every time she has a go tell her exactly why calmly and factually.
I’d leave though if it gets too much for you, and not feel obliged to stay all weekend.
As the DC won’t be there she’ll maybe take you seriously. It sounds like she’s maybe the type to just not get it/not care though so unless there is a genuine apology/promise to change after one visit without the DC I’d go straight to 5.
I absolutely wouldn’t reward her by bringing only the favoured GC.

It sounds tough OP, how was she during your childhood?

She’s your mum so just you visit.
If she doesn’t like it tell her why. Be honest . If she doesn’t understand that her behaviour is mean & bullying I would curtail the visits even more.
Its your job as a mum to look after your kids not subject them to bullies .
Get tough

Would go to Option 5.

Do you think your mother feels any guilt or remorse here, no not a bit of it?. What have you got to feel guilty about?. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Guilt is a useless emotion and is part of the fear, obligation and guilt buttons she installed in you from childhood. Deal with that through seeing a therapist She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and indeed she is now recreating the same old childhood dynamics that you had, only this time with your children. It’s unacceptable.

If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your kids also. Keep well away from people like your mother.

I'd go option 6 via phonecall, followed by option 5 if she refuses to acknowledge she did anything wrong. You owe her nothing. She is toxic and if she wants to see her GC, she is the one who needs to put in the work and make changes.

This type of crap that your mother pulls could damage their sibling relationship too. Again you all need to stay away from her.

Before this visit DD got upset and said she didn’t want to come because of my DM’s comments. I acknowledged the behaviour but said please come this time and we will ignore DGM’s comments.

That was expecting an awful lot of a 10 year old child, to tolerate hurtful nitpicking and bullying for the sake of an adult.

If you want to see your unpleasant mother then do but don’t expose either child to her. It’s your job to protect them, not her.

Try 6, it won't work though. Then do 5. It doesn't sound like you enjoy it either.

I would go with 2 initially, or a variation of it. I would definitely stop staying overnight at her house. Reduce the frequency and duration - maybe all the way to #5 will be needed.

If you DD doesn't want to go then respect that and go alone (again, don't stay at her house - round trip in a day or hotel) - it doesn't matter if your DM would hate that, this is the consequence of her behaviour. Leave if she makes things unpleasant, even if you've only been there 10 minutes.

Defend your boundaries with your actions - don't allow anyone to treat you or your children like this. It is completely unacceptable.

Options 6.
My mum had this with her mum treating me wonderfully, but horrible to my younger brother.
He was only maybe 4, but worked out and told us all that "nanny doesn't love me" through sobs.
My mum realised that no, she doesn't have to put up with that behaviour and she needs to protect her son.
She told my nan she wouldn't be seeing her again unless she treated us all the same... That was over 30 years ago, no contact since. Good riddance.

She’s trying to recreate the golden child/scapegoat dynamic. I would leave both kids at home

I’d try 6 first and if that really doesn’t work you know you don’t need to feel guilty about not visiting at all. I think you owe it to your dad to say something and actively stick up for her, rather than just making it go away.

I definitely wouldn't stay there again, and she definitely needs telling very clearly to stop. So option 6 combined with 2 initially. And if she doesn't make a genuine effort to do better then just stop going. It is not compulsory. Also, stopping the visits doesn't necessarily have to be forever. You do have to show your mum that there are consequences for her behaviour though.

Stop seeing her.

Your poor DD.

I'd stop visiting altogether and tell her exactly why.
Picking on your daughter is unacceptable
Nasty old women like this don't deserve company at the expense of your child's emotional health, I speak from experience as there's one on my husband's side and we've literally just stopped visiting a ling time ago
Your child has told you she doesn't want to visit please listen to her

We have been through a similar situation with DH's parents - it's deeply embedded in the way the see and value everyone around them - everyone is wieghed, measured and ranked. (DH grew up being cast as the scapegoat and his sibling the golden child).

We tried a number of options to deal with it (1, 2 & 6) but ultimately ended up at 5 beacuse PIL could not see that there was a problem with how they were treating our children and maintained that the only problem was that our youngest child was 'difficult' and we were 'too senstive'. We only have email contact now really and still they make digs at our youngest despite not having seen/spoken to DC for nearly 5 years.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's not an easy decision to make but we knew we had to break the cycle and protect the children - I have no regrets.

Thank you all for your comments. You are all right, I need to put my DC first because this will affect both of them, but especially DD. I will discuss with my DH when I get home tonight but this will be the last time we ever stay at DM’s house. Sadly I said the same at Christmas but then she reeled me in with guilt trips and here we are again.

Thank you, I needed to hear this today. It’s my job to protect DC and this current situation can’t carry on.

If your Dh is smart he will back you fully here re your mother.

Do not keep on falling for your mother's guilt trips. She is the guilty party here; not you. You have nothing to be guilty about.

I presume she picked on you as a female child and now she's repeating the behaviour on the new generation.

I'd sit both kids down and say grandma is being unfair and treating dd badly whilst favouring ds. You're not putting up with this behaviour so won't be visiting as a family until she sees the problem.

Tell mum what you've told the kids. And let her stew until / if ever she apologises.

If you ever go back and she does it again. You all pick up your stuff and leave immediately. Don't engage with her.

Basically if you carry on you're showing your ds that's it's ok to let other be treated badly and not stand up for what's right.

I wouldn't be subjecting my DD to that, it's teaching her to keep quiet and be a good girl whilst being demeaned; that's not how you want to raise your DD.
Stay away and tell your 'D'M why.

This

It sounds like she’s transferring the ‘difficult’ relationship she had with you onto your daughter. Did you have a male or older sibling by any chance? Is this history repeating itself?

I’d go alone and explain exactly why your daughter doesn’t want to go - don’t let her dismiss your daughters feelings if she is justifiably upset. Your mother needs to make and effort not to say things that will upset her granddaughter if she wants future visits from your children again - the onus is on her to behave acceptably, you and they don’t owe her your time just bc she’s your mother.

After you have established these ground rules, the next time you go with them, the first time she says something that upsets your daughter you pick up your things and leave. “Thanks for the tea, we’re going now” or a resigned sigh “Ok, we’ll be going now”. She’ll get the message. Warn your children in advance so they’re not caught unawares and can make a swift exit.

Unless she has a valid reason like dementia she has no right to demand visits then behave like an utter cow when you’ve all made the effort to see her. She needs to learn how to behave and it sounds well-overdue.

If you don’t want to be confrontational then you can invent reasons as to why you are no longer available to see her - new clubs for the children, outings, meet-ups etc. hopefully the message will sink in that you won’t tolerate this crap any longer and she needs to respect you and both your children equally. (If she wants to see you)

Just bc she’s your mother doesn’t give her the rights she’s been assuming up to now. She sounds like a bully.

I’d try a combination of speaking to her beforehand making it clear that if there is any horrible behaviour directed at DD that will be the last time she sees any of you. Coupled with staying elsewhere. If that doesn’t work I wouldn’t visit again