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Original poster

Looking for red flags and anxiety

25 replies

Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 09:57

Due to previous relationship trauma with an emotionally abusive ex I am left with an anxious attachment style. I'm aware of it and I'm working on it with therapy. I've been seeing a guy for 6 months, and he is consistent, loving, understanding, thoughtful. He hasn't put a foot wrong. He is really affectionate and open about his feelings. So far, no red flags.

Then, yesterday he was out with friends at a sporting event. He had a long drive home and phoned me on the way as he often does when he has a long journey, just for a chat. He told me that he got 'chatted up' by some 'young lass'. He was laughing, and then he said he only mentioned it as made him think about how happy he is with me. I don't quite know what he meant by that. I tried to be 'cool' and laugh it off, but it's been on my mind ever since.

A -My logical brain is telling me he told me because there was nothing to it, he was vaguely entertained by it and we talk about pretty much everything. In 6 months this is the ONLY thing I've had any niggling feelings about.

B - My anxious, red flag hunting brain is telling me it's the start of game playing. Seeing if he can get a jealous reaction out of me.

I don't even know whether I should talk to him about it. If it is option A I don't want to make him second guess if he should tell me things in the future incase it bothers me (I'd much rather we carry on being open and honest).

It it's B, then by quizzing him about it then I'm playing into his hands.

So, what I want to hear is form people who are secure in their attachment, and what you would think about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:05

Actually, I've thought of another thing that bugs me a bit. He's still facebook friends with a woman he was seeing for a few months early last year. She comments on his facebook posts, trying to get his attention. He never reacts or replies to her comments, but should I ask him about her? Should I tell him it bothers me?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2024 10:07

Wouldn't bother me tbh. Nor would the FB thing. As long as it is a good relationship!

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:08

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2024 10:07

Wouldn't bother me tbh. Nor would the FB thing. As long as it is a good relationship!

It is entirely good, I'm scared of my anxiety messing it up so I second guess myself a lot.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2024 10:11

I'm FB friends with a lot of my previous x's and people I've had a connection with. It means nothing other than I can't be bothered to delete them 😂

MoonWoman69 · 12/02/2024 10:23

I'd pass it off as just part of chatting! I'd see it that he was being open and honest with you. My DH used to say things like this, but I know there was absolutely nothing to it. I've done exactly the same with him. I wouldn't bother about Facebook woman either, if he's not responding to her posts, then I'd take that as nothing to worry about.

dancemom · 12/02/2024 10:27

Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:05

Actually, I've thought of another thing that bugs me a bit. He's still facebook friends with a woman he was seeing for a few months early last year. She comments on his facebook posts, trying to get his attention. He never reacts or replies to her comments, but should I ask him about her? Should I tell him it bothers me?

How do you know she's "trying to get his attention"?

Maybe she's just being a Facebook
Friend and commenting on his posts as many people do, that's the whole point of Facebook.

Sounds like you're making assumptions

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:29

dancemom · 12/02/2024 10:27

How do you know she's "trying to get his attention"?

Maybe she's just being a Facebook
Friend and commenting on his posts as many people do, that's the whole point of Facebook.

Sounds like you're making assumptions

Show quote history

Quite possibly I am. I guess that's why I'm asking on here for opinions.

OP posts:
verycurlyindeed · 12/02/2024 10:33

Following with interest

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:35

verycurlyindeed · 12/02/2024 10:33

Following with interest

Can I ask why? Do you have similar worries?

OP posts:
verycurlyindeed · 12/02/2024 10:57

Kind of. I’ve been seeing someone that seems to have different boundaries to me, like you say, the Facebook stuff etc.

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 10:58

verycurlyindeed · 12/02/2024 10:57

Kind of. I’ve been seeing someone that seems to have different boundaries to me, like you say, the Facebook stuff etc.

It could just be that, different boundaries. I struggle to know what is 'normal' to be honest.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/02/2024 10:59

I don't see the problems with what you describe and I'm no stranger to a bit of unhealthy overthinking myself...

I sometimes get chatted up and I always tell my partner. Not because I'm trying to make him jealous or anything but because it amuses me. He sometimes gets chatted up. Sometimes in front of me. He never entertains it but I will admit that it makes me feel a bit weird if I wasnt there because I always imagine them to be beautiful and so much more desirable than me. But the reality is, they're just ordinary women who've liked something about him or hes got chatting to and are just being themselves. After all, I find him attractive so why wouldn't others?

I know that my feelings of discomfort come from low esteem and are not a reflection of anything more than that. Not nice though!

Windydaysandwetnights · 12/02/2024 11:00

FB isn't real though is it?
Learn some relaxation techniques op or risk ruining what sounds like the start of a lovely thing op..
My now dh is a million miles from the last ones... Probably the best balanced relationship I have been in. Took many years to get here...

occhiazzurri · 12/02/2024 11:01

The FB friend I wouldn’t necessarily see as a red flag if there is no engagement and all looks above the board. The comment about being chatted up is a little odd in the context of a relationship so it wouldn’t sit well with me. I don’t think it is necessarily a red flag though if it is not an ongoing issue ie you keep hearing about him being chatted up at events.

GingerIsBest · 12/02/2024 11:03

Usually, I'm pretty quick to say that behaviours aren't okay, or trust your instincts, but I think in this case, it really might be you. I mean, personally, I agree that I wouldn't mention to DH or expect him to mention to me if someone tried to chat us up BUT in the context of an early relationship where you're still at the point where you're finding ways to tell the other person how you feel, I can see how the context here is important and relevant and it doesn't seem like a big deal.

Re Facebook - DH had an ex who, when we first got together, was definitely doing the "attention" thing n Facebook. he didn't really respond but I did get a bit annoyed at one point and I think he said something to her or blocked her for a while or something. Can't really remember but actually, she's still around vaguely and I like her very much these days. IN fact, DH and I are agreed that if and when her DH steps over the line we'll try to be there for her and if we ever won the lottery, we'd give her some money so she can get away from him before it gets to that point.

GreyCarpet · 12/02/2024 11:05

Oh and the fb stuff, my partner's ex wife started doing that when we got together. They're not friends on there, but his posts were public and she was reading his profile.

They'd been divorced for 12 years by that point and she'd never commented previously. She'd never done it when he was with his previous girlfriend either. And she also made it clear that she'd like to get back together (told him outright).

He never engaged with her comments and eventually blocked her of his own volition.

Ultimately, you can't control what she does you can only look at his responses to it.

chrispychilli · 12/02/2024 11:06

Could he have being trying to reassure you that he is very happy with you? Could it be that in telling you he is being completely open about something that happened - if you had been chatted up would you have told him? Could it be that he is being honest when he says that being chatted up reiterated to him how happy he is with you ?

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 11:07

chrispychilli · 12/02/2024 11:06

Could he have being trying to reassure you that he is very happy with you? Could it be that in telling you he is being completely open about something that happened - if you had been chatted up would you have told him? Could it be that he is being honest when he says that being chatted up reiterated to him how happy he is with you ?

I think that's exactly what it was. He's never given me any reason to think otherwise. I'm so glad I posted on here, you're all helping me. Thank you.

OP posts:
Crazybengalcats · 12/02/2024 11:26

I'd react exactly the same as you. I've got GAD, low self confidence, abusive exes... It's hard.

But looking objectively from the outside, I think if he's not reacting or replying to her comments then he's giving her no encouragement so I don't think that's anything to worry about.

It's always weird when someone says they've been chatted up by someone but as long as it wasn't the first thing he mentioned and it was just a lighthearted comment in passing, then I think that's okay too.

As hard as it is, try and trust him and don't sabotage something that could be amazing x

ScottishShortie · 12/02/2024 13:01

I get anxious like this. We were out at the weekend, went into quite a cool bar, not our usual thing…it was full of frankly gorgeous young women (and men….) and I noticed as we walked away from the bar to find a table one girl who was sitting with friends was quite literally staring at my husband then watched him as walked past her…I was just behind him 😂 (hello!) and my first reaction was Jesus what if he was on his own would she have gone and chatted him up/vice versa, then I made my logical head kick in and think well I should be proud my husband can turn heads at his age 😂 (mid 40s). I didn’t tell him, I just kept it to myself. It is hard I understand- I have anxious attachment too and it’s really hard, I have to sometimes ignore the pixies in my head and look for the facts. Mine were ‘he’s with me, he’s all over me, and tbh I’m not too shabby myself’ 😂
good luck and keep your sensible head on - I don’t think you have anything to worry about here.

LifeExperience · 12/02/2024 13:08

After 33 years of marriage I am secure in my attachment to dh, and this is a big nothingburger. Your boyfriend was out and a young woman talked to him. On the way home he told you about it and laughed. That's all that happened. That is nothing.

I would suggest treatment for your anxiety. I suffer from it, too, and medication helps tremendously.

Datgal · 12/02/2024 13:10

I can be an overthinker which didn't help with dating dickheads (ie there was a reason I was feeling a bit paranoid about stuff). Luckily I don't feel that way with my boyfriend now (of 7 years!). Anyway, I think that was a nice thing for him to say I think. Like it meant absolutely nothing to him, as it made him realise hope much he likes you? His way of saying you don't have anything to worry about with me kind of thing ...
That's how I'd see it. If everything else is fine. The FB thing is a non-issue.

gannett · 12/02/2024 13:26

I'd never heard of anxious attachment styles until a few years ago and honestly if I was dating now I'd see them as the red flag. They seem to involve so much insecurity and require so much reassurance, even for completely meaningless things.

About a year after DP and I started going out we went to a house party where both of us, separately, got chatted up. We found it quite hilarious. And we usually inform the other when it happens now (in a "look, still got it" way). It wouldn't occur to either of us to be jealous or territorial.

I'm sure I have old flings who I'm still friends with on social media. Couldn't care less if they comment occasionally. If it ever got weird I'd block them but until then, I can't be arsed.

Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 14:59

gannett · 12/02/2024 13:26

I'd never heard of anxious attachment styles until a few years ago and honestly if I was dating now I'd see them as the red flag. They seem to involve so much insecurity and require so much reassurance, even for completely meaningless things.

About a year after DP and I started going out we went to a house party where both of us, separately, got chatted up. We found it quite hilarious. And we usually inform the other when it happens now (in a "look, still got it" way). It wouldn't occur to either of us to be jealous or territorial.

I'm sure I have old flings who I'm still friends with on social media. Couldn't care less if they comment occasionally. If it ever got weird I'd block them but until then, I can't be arsed.

I agree gannet, it would be a red flag if I acted on it. I don't though, I'm aware of it and the effect it has on me and I'm working to rectify it. In the meantime, I do things like come on here rather than bend my boyfriend's ear about it 😂 I'm glad I did, it's helped a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtoboys82 · 12/02/2024 15:01

LifeExperience · 12/02/2024 13:08

After 33 years of marriage I am secure in my attachment to dh, and this is a big nothingburger. Your boyfriend was out and a young woman talked to him. On the way home he told you about it and laughed. That's all that happened. That is nothing.

I would suggest treatment for your anxiety. I suffer from it, too, and medication helps tremendously.

Thank you. It's not a constant thing, I don't think medication is the answer but I'll explore it.

OP posts:
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