Complex relationship with my mother

[NewmumtoAmelia2023]

Background: my mom left when I was 4 to work abroad, only saw her twice until I had to live with her when I was 19 but left when I was 21.
She's always been critical, I remember when I was at a party with her, I was standing up and someone pointed me to a chair she then said, oh it's ok she's fat anyway then proceeded to talk badly about my dad.
Present day, I recently gave birth, as I had emergency c section I accepted help from her, so herself and her husband came over to stay for 3 weeks. Instead of cooking for me or helping me, she even instructed me to get her husband fruits etc etc and I think she's expected me to cook for them etc. She did clean the flat but but every few seconds she pointed out this and that is dusty etc.
Then same occasion when she first met my in laws, who spoke very well about my DH and when it's her time to talk about me she then said " oh she she's to be beautiful when she was young now I don't know what happened to her".
She's now looking seriously in to moving near us. I live on a small island. I had a bad childhood, both my parents are at fault but my mom can't see it and she likes talking about it, I don't coz I've moved on. Shall I let her move? I have a DD, I don't know if I want her around too much when my dd is growing up.

She sounds totally toxic OP. I'd move on if I were you

It doesn’t sound as if she brings happiness and positivity to your life OP.
I don’t see how her moving near you would do anything but make you miserable. I think you need an honest conversation with her - write her a letter if that’s easier.
Her response would be key
Focus on your child and not repeating your Mothers mistakes.
Being related by blood does not give your mother an excuse for toxic behaviour

Talk to your husband about how she makes you feel. Strength in numbers

Being related by blood does not give your mother an excuse for toxic behaviour

This.

You probably can't stop her moving but that doesn't mean you have to let her in.
Make sure you lock up and have a video doorbell. Then screen visitors.

And tbh I'd look at some therapy as that's bonkers behaviour from her

Thank you.

I've spent years of recovering from my childhood and from how I was treated by her and some of my family. I was made to think we have to forgive people.
I've always retaliate from her actions which she always say I'm over acting or too sensitive.
I'm from a different culture, where parents seems to think they can never be wrong and it's always the child's fault or the child has to lower their pride or just accept how things are. We are not supposed to have grudges towards our parents.
She is great help financially, although both DH and I are professionals and have decent paid jobs, I can admittedly say that what she gifts us helps a lot. Example, deposit on our first house.
There are times that she is good, but she seems to be in competition with me. She can't pay me compliments, always criticise and she talks badly about me to her friends or my friends even my husband.
Families are very complicated.

Definitely therapy OP. You are being abused and you need help processing what happened and setting boundaries.

Keep well away from her. I would look at moving away and leaving no forwarding address. You lucked out on the mother stakes but that is not your fault, that is all on her.

Abusive people abuse no matter what culture they’re from. Not all parents from your culture also think their kids somehow owe them. Abusers are not nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle your mother shows you is a continuous one. She is abusive and has otherwise mistreated you when she was not absent leaving you with a shedload of fear obligation and guilt. And no you do not have to forgive people. She has not changed in all these intervening years.

I was made to think we have to forgive people.

No, you really don't. Her pissing off for 15 years of your life invalidated any rights she had as a 'mother'. You are an adult now and you should view her as you would any other person. You wouldn't accept insults from a random stranger in the street - she's no better.