First break up after divorce and taking it hard

[friendswiththemonstera]

Hello, sorry as I've already posted recently but I'm taking a break up really hard. We were together about 18 months and it was my first break up post divorce. I have children and am 35.

I loved this guy but more particularly I loved the idea of having a family unit again. I know deep down that it is the right thing for both of us but especially for me. He wasn't skilled in relationships and struggled to communicate his needs and frustrations - instead he bottled things up and then left in a temper when something triggered him (which happened once a month / fortnight past the 9 month mark). The triggers could be what I would see as very small things - e.g. he was knocking on my door and I didn't hear it because I was on the phone, so he had to wait outside for 15 minutes, or I used my phone while we were watching a film. He accused me of cheating without foundation and got jealous if I spent time with friends and family. He was extremely insecure in himself and felt all the time like I wanted to sleep with other people (I didn't). We had a lot of arguments, and toward the end he became pretty contemptuous during arguments. He frequently said I didn't make him feel connected or loved enough, but seemed to ignore my efforts to make him feel more loved.

I'm just really hurting and finding myself so pathetic. I tried so hard to work things out with him and my friends and family are tired of listening to me. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to let go when logically I know this was not the right relationship for me.

Just bumping in the hopes someone has any advice, I feel ridiculous for being so sad over losing someone that (a) doesn't want me and (b) clearly wasn't right for me anyway

He sounds absolutely horrendous. I doubt it will be long before you're over him, just takes a little time.

I think you've mentioned it yourself. You were happy to be back in a family unit again. A lot of people use relationships to 'fix' things in the past or poor self esteem in themselves. I wonder if you had hoped that this relationship would 'fix' you after your divorce and prove that you were worthy of being loved and in a successful relationship.

Get some counselling so you have someone impartial to talk to and worth through this stuff with.

I think reading your OP you’ve done a hat many of us do in the post divorce rebound relationship and ignore more red flags than a Moscow May Day parade.

He sounds like a manipulative gaslighting controlling twat tbh - don’t think you weren’t enough, realise he was the one who wasn’t good enough for your needs. It sounds to me like you wanted that family unit and he was just filling the space. You’ll realise before long that he was completely wrong for you.

How long were you single before you met him? My advice would be take time out to be on your own for a while and really understand what you want from your next relationship and develop good boundaries.

Yes, this is spot on. I was hoping this would prove that I was normal and worthy of love. My exH made me feel (and said openly) noone else would ever love me, I was an emotional taker not a giver, I was immature, etc etc. I think I wanted to prove (mostly to myself) that I could love someone and be "enough".

Phew breathe a huge sigh of relief as you’ve swerved a bullet. He must have been exhausting. If it had gone on he would have isolated you and wrecked your other relationships. Take some time before meeting someone else xx

Totally agree with @SamW98 take the time out to focus on yourself and what you want/need.

You're enough on you're own as you are. You don't need anyone else.

You picked badly because you were lonely and wanted the family unit.

But it is far better to be alone than with the wrong man, and he sounds pretty awful.

Don't ignore the red flags in future, for your sake and your kids.

Losing a marriage is profoundly traumatic no matter how it happens. You just want to be loved and have what you are still grieving for - a normal family unit. You wanted to prove something to your ex, and you were lonely.

You picked badly first time out. Totally normal, and understandable.

You can learn from that, and fortunately can move on without any real hassles.

It's a very good thing for your kids you have finished with him.

In future please don't forget that the man you allow to have power over them - and he will have power over them no matter how careful you are - must be decent, sensible, stable, caring, even-tempered. Their lives will become a misery if their mother is ruled over by a shitty, controlling, boyfriend.

Even if you don't think you are worth a good, kind, decent, stable man I'm sure you think your kids have the right to being treated well.

And if you are ever unsure if a man's behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable, imagine your kids, all grown up and in relationships, and someone treating them as he is treating you. Because that's what you're modelling if you put up with men like him and bring men like him into their lives.

And if that's too far away to imagine, thnk of your best friend, sister, a woman you really love. Would you be ok with someone treating her the way he's treating you?

For your sake and for theirs, hold out for someone who treats you well, and if that means being alone, so be it. You deserve better, and so do they.

I think I fell into the trap of - he was nicer than my ex. He was less controlling than my ex. He listened to me and validated me far more than my ex. Therefore, I was a bit blind to the negative ways in which he was still like my ex. I liked having someone on "my side" too, and I know how childish that sounds.

Spot on!!!!!