How do I start co- parenting with a challenged parent

[BuckleupButtercup]

So I am separated from an academically intelligent man but unable to read cues… We have a 3 year old DS. When we were together, he struggled with parenting:

1. A few times leaving a one year old on the bed or sofa while he goes to the toilet, child falling off.
2. Playgrounds: putting a child on a merry-go-round and not perceiving when enough- child starts getting dizzy and I run to catch them from falling off.
3. Nap times- child didn’t seem sleepy
4. Meal times- child had a couple of bites and walked away- didn’t seem hungry
5. Baking - soft dough still in the middle- to him it’s cooked - refuses to bake another 5 minutes at least!

I did all the night wakings …

i am struggling to see how a 3 year old can be in the care of this guy even for a sleep over. Can I do anything to work around this?

Thank you

The best thing separated parents can do for their children is coparent. This means (within reason obviously) letting go of past mishaps, accepting that the other parent does things differently and giving them the freedom to parent independently. You have to trust the person you had your child with to be a competent human being and none of your examples are child protection concerns just a relaxed style of parenting.
So let it go. Start a new page and accept your ex as the best father your child has (just like you are his best mother).
Share as much as you can about your child day to day photos, little milestones, things he should know (eg he’s not well, he is wetting the bed, he’s completely gone off fish fingers, he has suddenly developed an interest in dinosaurs, he is very excited about going to Lego land on Tuesday) but keep your judgement of your child’s father to a minimum - you might find it improves your relationship with him and your shared child will benefit from parents who have a good relationship with each other.

I don’t think any of those examples are that bad and are not signs of struggling with parenting.

I think I probably did all of them when mine were small and I like things a bit underbaked too, I’m not sure what the issue is with that? If my children didn’t want to sleep or eat then I never forced it and I let them stay on a roundabout for as long as they liked, they learnt when was enough and if they enjoyed being dizzy or not.

Thank you Heidi, good advice. It’s hard to let go when one has been doing it all and handing over to someone whom I have been also been “looking after”

How much contact does he want ? If he lives nearby and wants him for the day here or there then fears about overnight contact will be greatly reduced.
Does he accept that he messed up in the past ?
I don’t think that all of your examples are equally serious because your child is older. Presumably your child can ask for food/drink if they are hungry or thirsty? I think that many kids have had a rolling off the bed sort of accident when in their parents care and been shocked how fast babies can roll away.
He can only become a better parent by doing more parenting. I understand why you might have taken over in the past but this has kept him rubbish while you get better and more confident as you do so much more.
Pp is right about you wiping the slate keen for your peace of mind. Being in a state of vigilance because he’s bound to mess up is going to create a lot of animosity. If he accepts that he’s pretty crap then starting with a few hours and building up towards overnights might work best but it depends on what he thinks too. If he does very little now, he may decide to keep it that way when he realises how much work it is.

There are plenty of people who go with a baby/toddler led routine so don't have fixed meal or nap times.

You can't really enforce your style of parenting on him. If your child is sctually being harmed then that is different

Thank you Mint, yes- I am overthinking it. I will relax and let him parent as he does. The roundabout thing happened a lot when the child was just a year old. Ex loves eating salt and vinegar chips and he would feed to little one if he ran out of options for meals but no harm done.

We live 9 hours drive apart. That’s part of making it tricky. He has mentioned in the past that I am better at it, I grew up with four younger siblings and a single mum. I must admit that as the child is getting older, he seems to be less anxious, no asking me to be there during his (ex) visits.

You sound a bit OTT with the control aspect OP.
Your Ex has equal rights & you should let him have a relationship with his child without your interference. He’s not done anything to warrant your clinginess

I think part of my being so OTT is that we adopted the child when he was a baby and ex struggled to bond with the child though he was very keen on the process. This was during COVID. He got depressed and said he can’t cope, wants us to go our separate ways; so he left and moved quite a distance and did not make contact with us for about 6 months, a good friend of his encouraged him to keep contact. I had a few months where I thought I was going to parent alone, I m guess that’s when I went more into this protective mode.