What's the point in living?

[Abnotfab]

DW feels desperately lonely, depressed lost, wishes she was anywhere but here. Can't see the point in carrying on.
We're retired, in a small town, kids all busy and a long way away. She feels life has presented her with a long set of kicks in the gut, that everything has gone wrong, the marriage has too. Career went wrong, hasn't got friends to go to. Hasnt fulfilled many of her dreams and now its too late anyway. Maybe we should separate but it feels too late. Waiting to die. Everything comes back to this.
Doctor isn't any help - and she doesn't want to take meds anyway.
Nothing I say or do seems to make any difference - except to make it worse. So I'm left watching helplessly and really worrying she won't live much longer - either because she decides not to or her body decides for her.
Help! What should I do?

Your poor wife sounds seriously depressed. If she's against meds, would she try therapy? This must be hard on you too.

I would try to get the kids involved myself. Do they know youre worried about her? And how she's feeling? Maybe try to arrange something as a family to look forward to.

What about volunteering? What's she spending her day doing?

Exercise maybe too, could you look at gym membership together?

Tell her meds don't have to be a long term thing either and ask if you could attend another gp appointment with her soon.

Change of scene? Sunshine? Ask her to make a bucket list - and share one of them together?

February is depressing at the best of times. She needs something to look forward to.

What has she previously enjoyed? I’d strongly encourage her to see her doctor and also make an effort to find some small ways to give her something to look forward to.

Do your children visit? Trips? A day out? Hair appointment?

If this is a big change in her I’d be very worried.

Has she tried meds before? Sometimes a small dose can be a lifesaver.
Some people see taking medication for mood as a ‘failing’, is she in this camp?
it maybe the boost she needs to see her way to changes that can make her happy sustainably

I feel for her. It sounds as though her view of life is very flat but it's what's inside that would need to change, how she reacts to what's happening around her - no hair appt is going to be the answer. When life is joyless and you feel hopeless about the future, I think a mild anti-depressant might help if you can get her to commit? I'm sorry for you as well, the future must feel pretty hopeless for you both at the moment.

This sounds serious OP, she needs medical help. Please persuade her to see a different GP, if the one shes seen isn't sympathetic and helpful. Go with her if she needs support.
Talking therapy would be a good place to start if she won't consider anti depressants. The GP will be able to advise or refer her, or you may be able to self refer.
Also you say you are a long distance from your children, have you moved away from family and friends recently?

She really needs to talk to the GP again (better still talk to a different GP).

I struggle to understand how someone who is so desperately unhappy won't even consider trying something that could make them better. What is so bad about taking tablets that she'd rather be utterly miserable for the rest of her days than take them?

And it's more than that. This is affecting you, and presumably her relationship with your children. It's only fair to to those around us to seek help with MH issues. Otherwise we bring down everyone who loves us.

I know that can be easier said than done, as the person with the MH issue isn't always thinking logically.

Please encourage her to seek that help. It could be tablets, or therapy, or a combination. If she doesn't want help, doesn't want to make the effort to get better, then you might decide that the only option for you is to leave. One person suffering awful depression is horrible enough, but two of you suffering it would be worse.

I feel for both of you, and for your children who must surely be impacted too.

I feel like this. I don’t see the point in anything. My life feels like a pointless existence where everyone seems to tell me I do it all wrong. I’ve tried medication but the side effects were unbearable. I feel for her and you cos there’s no easy solution

Are you saying she's been talkiing of suicide.

Ask her to call the Samaritans, whilst you are not there. Are you happy with your life away from your wife ?

You talk of her saying the marriage has gone wrong, what does that mean.

She does sound clinically depressed, what are some of the things you have tried to help her ?

This sounds really tough. Would she go to the gp?

are there any local clubs you can both join? Walking/coffee mornings/voluntary activities? Do you have some future holidays/weeks away visiting different places etc?

Well, life kind of is pointless really. But I think the point t of it is to have fun and be kind. Could you help your wife to start doing things she has always wanted to? Or get her involved in gentle volunteering in the local community? Ask her closest friends what they think might help? Arrange for her to visit them or them to come to her?

I agree she does need to see the GP asap. You are her closest friend, she has confided in you and after a long marriage you know her best. Think of gentle activities you can do together to build up her confidence, such as walking, visiting garden centres with lunch or NT houses.
How about arranging a visit to one of your children, stay in a nice hotel to avoid any ‘visitor’ stress. Arrange some days out in the area, assuming it’s a reasonably nice place.
I hope you can reach a happy solution.

Speak to your children. If they don’t know how serious the situation is how are they meant to step up and help.

find local groups you can join in your area for your age range. If you speak to your local council or ask in your library or church they would be able to help. Many groups for walking, just getting together for coffee.

speak to charities like the Samaritans for advice.

is it possible to take trips? Book a hotel for the weekend at a seaside or somewhere relaxing?

How old is she? Is she on HRT?

Thanks everyone for your helpful ideas, though TBH she has tried most of them, or rejected them, or found no more than very temporary respite.
So now I'm clean out of ideas for what to do next. I'm exhausted and feeling defeated myself - what sort of husband am I if I can't be a consolation - or even a help - in her time of need? Maybe I - or at least our relationship - really am the problem, and we need to end it for her to move on. It would break my heart, but hers is already broken so maybe that's fair enough.

I wouldn’t blame yourself you sound very caring.

I would definitely contact your children. Get them visiting more or you visiting them. Get the grandchildren to face time you once a week for a catch up, write letters to send to them so you can receive them back.

speak to charities, GP local groups. This will give you more information and help than we can offer and make you both feel less alone.

Join a cooking class, dance class, anything that becomes part of your routine and something to look forward to.

get out of the house every day, even if for a short walk. It does wonders for the mind.

Honestly, she DOES need medication, and a counsellor, in tandem.

My counsellor persuaded me to go on meds as a temporary thing and explained that depression is a disease, just because it's not a broken leg doesn't mean I shouldn't take medicine for a disease. It has helped me a lot just being on a low dose anti-depressant.

Counselling also helps when you're talking to someone about how you feel and getting it off your chest.

At the end of it all though, your wife needs to want to help herself. That sounds very trite because depression isn't the kind of thing that you can simply shake off, however there is likely a sliver of her inside somewhere that wants to fight this.

Depression as was explained to me:

• Wants you to be alone
• Wants you to sleep badly and stay up all night
• Wants to keep you in bed all day
• Wants to deprive you of good nutrition
• Wants you to stay away from people and places

When it was described to me like that, it made sense and I kind of imagined it as an evil spirit and decided it is not who I am, it is a seperate entity. Sorry if that sounds a bit weird but that's just how I managed it.

I knew that not wanting to do things wasn't "me", I knew that not wanting to eat or sleep wasn't "me" it was this other thing that was telling me that I didn't need those things and didn't deserve them. It helped me to fight back and say no. I don't like being told what to do so I guess I tricked my mind into not being told what to do by depression.

It sounds also like your wife has a major victim mentality going on which counselling can help with a lot. I totally get that things have gone wrong and she feels like life has been a set of gut punches, but at the same time, you can either move on from them and learn the lessons they provide you with - or you can be a victim of them and give up and wait to die in misery.

I lost so much last year and ended up with my relationship breaking down and having to move into a single room in a house share at 39. My point is: People very rarely get through life unscathed. Very rarely.

I understand your wife has a lot of things to be upset about and sad over, but those things are what they are and there is a lesson in all of them. What went wrong? What could have been done better? What did it teach you about life/people/business?

I'm sorry for sounding trite and simplistic, but honestly the help comes from within, the counselling and medication and support from others really is only ever an aid. That isn't to say that this is all her fault and she deserves to be shamed - that's what my ex would do to me and I was better off without him, so if you're doing that then stop it.

Truthfully though she has to want to help herself. Her life is not over, and the chances of being alive are detailed here: https://www.themortalatheist.com/blog/what-are-the-odds-of-being-alive

The chances of dying on the other hand are certain. 1:1.

I'm not saying that to shame anyone, least of all her. I just want to point out that being alive is a gift even if it fuc'ing sucks sometimes and we are kicked around from here to kingdom come.

How/why did her heart get broken?

Try to get her out in the garden. Contact with soil on the skin, and harvesting food, has been shown to boost dopamine and serotonin in the brain

Wow i feel sorry for you i kinda know how it feels when you want to and try to help but they dont want it or take it.
It can drag you down as well without you even seeing it and before you know it your in the same place.

It's a really difficult situation for you both . Has anything happened in her life ....like between you both and work or friends which is making her feel this way ?

I agree sometimes you do feel very unhappy with he way life has been or due to certain incidents in your personal life . How old are you both ? Can you share a few more details if you feel like .

OP, why are you suggesting that you and she separating might be the answer? Has something happened between you to trigger her despair? You say she is heartbroken, what is the context here?

Oh and op I am not saying you or others are to blame just wondering if any incident has hurt her deeply.

Did you relocate when you both retired and was she reluctant to move.

Retirement is a shock, I’m in it and it took a huge readjustment, I had some health issues so retired early because I had to.

She needs therapy, probably meds and maybe moving back if she hates the area you have moved to. DH wants to relocate when he joins me. I am insistent that we still live near enough to DS and also my friendship group that I can see them there and back in a day with no big issue.