Felt like I cheated on my wife even though my wife says I didn't?

[PuD19]

In short, during the lockdown of 2020 I messaged another woman through a Facebook chat group we were part of. We started talking about a shared interest in sport (which formed the group) and then just started chatting about life.

She was divorced and had been through a lot. The messaging went on for a few months almost daily. The tone was mostly normal and friendly with a few "teasy" messages (e.g. she thought she was bi and we'd talk about celeb women we'd fancy), but nothing outrageous.

At the time I told my wife I was messaging her because I felt like I shouldn't be doing this, but she said it was fine and had no problems. She trusted me.

After a few months the messages fizzled & I haven't spoken to the woman in over 3 years. Never met her either, she lives in another country. Have zero desire to ever talk to her again. But my OCD makes me think I was cheating because I enjoyed the chats and I'll hold my hands up, I found her attractive from her pics.

Again, my wife knew all about this and said she doesn't think I cheated. She even has a male friend she texts frequently where they talk about life and everything (including his sexual conquests). I'm fine with this and trust her.

I've been married 8 years and have never cheated on my wife who I adore. Am I overreacting here? This is me going through a 'guilt spike' as I call them.

That's not cheating by my perspective, seems more like a friendship overall, unless it's more saucy conversation then its on course for an affair

Cheating can be defined by the people in the relationship. If you're both OK with it, sleeping with other people may not be cheating. It sounds like you're wife is ok with this but you're not. I'd consider why and discuss with your wife so you're on the same page about what is and what is not unacceptable in your relationship.

I’d say it’s an emotional affair, even if only one sided.

Are you sure you're fine with your wife and her male friend? It sounds to me like you don't like it and want to make out she's doing something wrong like you apparently did.

No, I'm definitely fine with it.

There are only 2 people in your relationship: you and your wife. We are not in there at all, so what we think isn’t at all relevant.

We didn’t have your early childhood or life experiences, we didn’t have your particular coping mechanisms, we are not either of you.

Two main things jump out to me: you’re not comfortable and she is. If you were both comfortable, this would be a total non-issue. But one of you isn’t. So that person (you, in this case) would benefit from finding a way to feel at ease with the situation.

I’d highly recommend a therapist who could safely guide you through exploring your background, your ways of coping (inc this OCD) and bring some light and perspective on things. This should hopefully help you to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Our boundaries are not the same as those in your marriage.

Personally this would come close to a line for me, but it doesn’t for your wife.

Listen to what she is saying. If she’s ok, if she feels safe, that’s all you need to know.

What made you message this woman in the first place, what was your motive?

Short lived emotional affair but wife's boundary is it wasn't physical intimacy so doesn't count
Either way it's over so suggest you flirt with your wife instead

Why do you need to label it? All that matters is you crossed your own boundary but fortunately for you, you didn't also cross your wife's boundary. You feel bad because you've not met your own standards for fidelity, and have let yourself down. All you can do is stay with the feelings and remind yourself of them if you're tempted to do similar in future. Oh, and don't keep raising it with your wife. As much as her reassurance might offer comfort, it's not fair to make her have to keep giving it when you're going on about your feelings for another woman.

I think this is your OCD talking, OP. You are allowed to enjoy chats. You're also allowed to find people attractive.

It's the OCD. I wouldn't be happy if my husband had done this. I'm extremely insecure and it would trigger me. But you weren't cheating. Here's why I think that:

A- no really questionable messages
B. you told your wife about it
C. you backed away when you realized where it could lead
D. you demonstrated respect for your wife and your marriage
E. you pulled yourself up and didn't try to excuse it or blame it on anything else.

I also suffer from OCD. It's been quite severe since all the turmoil of 2020. You know the guilt will eat you alive if you let ut. Guilt and shame, even when mismisplaced, are hallmarks of OCD. As is overthinking and not feeling you are worthy of forgiveness.

Your wife has given you the gift of letting you know she believes that you have nothing to be forgiven for. Don't throw that back in her face. In this case, I think her opinion trumps yours. OCD lies, and so does anxiety.

If you're not getting help with this, please do so. You both deserve for you to feel better.