New boyfriend facing his depression

[TheLadyInGreen]

Hi all, long-time poster but NCed as this post includes some identifying details if associated with my posting history.

Three months ago I started dating a long-time friend for whom I had slowly developed feelings over the last year. By the time we got together, we were both pretty smitten and the relationship started amazingly. We have something special between us. I had been single for 4 years before him so it is not frequent for me to find this type of connection. We are both mid-30s with good corporate jobs and solid financial positions.

Suddenly a month ago he broke down and confessed to me that he has been dealing with undiagnosed and untreated depression and suicidal thoughts for his whole life, which he managed to repress/ ignore with unhealthy coping mechanisms until now.

He is now ready to seek help for the first time in his life and has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. He says that his relationship with me has given him the motivation to realize it is time to face his demons because he doesn’t want to continue living like this and doesn’t want his depression to ruin our relationship.

I try to be supportive, understanding, and positive but I am struggling with the situation. This is still a new relationship (albeit with long-standing mutual feelings) and instead of basking in love, affection, and sex, I am worried sick about him. Since his confession a month ago, he has gone into a "low period" so we see each other very little (once a week) and he feels distant compared to how things were before. He is still affectionate and caring with me, he says he loves me and gets me little cute gifts but it feels like he is not really “there”, he is in his head. Our connection felt deeper right after his confession of struggling but it now feels more superficial somehow.

I know I can’t fix him and I am not trying to. However, giving up on him right when he is finally getting help feels rash and cruel. He might turn a corner in the space of a couple of months with the right medical support that he is hopefully about to get. At the same time, it’s only been a month of his mental health impacting things and it is already affecting me negatively: I feel anxious about the future and really worried about him. That’s not how I would like to feel in a new relationship.

I luckily have a very solid mental health and I always have, therefore I am not familiar with these issues at all. I am a very pragmatic, proactive, and positive person. Does anyone have experience with depressed partners? What would your advice be?

Thanks a lot!

I would let him go. He’s already putting pressure on you as being the reason he’s now ready to seek help. Meaning that you’ll also be the reason he’ll fall back into depression if you ever leave him. You don’t need that and while I sympathise for his position, you have to put yourself first as I know so many couples where one persons mental health completely dominates to the detriment of their partner. I wouldn’t choose to be with someone suffering with depression unfortunately and I can see how it’s already negatively affecting your life.

I would tell him that trying to focus on a relationship at the same time as his mental health is too much for him. Tell him he needs to take the time to heal and get his mental heal under control and then you can try to rebuild your connection when he is strong enough. As a friend you won't abandon him but he needs to own his own journey.

Thank you both for your thoughts. I know deep down that the current state of things is not sustainable or fair to me. I feel terrible about the idea of breaking things off but then again my desires and happiness matter too, right?

I'm sorry OP, but he's a liability.

he says that his relationship with me has given him the motivation to realize it is time to face his demons because he doesn’t want to continue living like this and doesn’t want his depression to ruin our relationship

This is so much to place on your shoulders. You haven't even been together for that long. Maybe he was just being honest, but the subtext of this is that if you leave him, he will lose that motivation. Relationships give so much much meaning to people, but ideally, he should be able to be not be suicidal, and have that motivation, even if he isn't in one.

Be careful you don't end up being an emotional hostage in this relationship, even if it's unintentional on his part.

which he managed to repress/ ignore with unhealthy coping mechanisms until now

Drugs/alcohol I presume?
You are together 3 months, 2 months in he dropped this bomb.
Nope, I would run for the hills. You don't need a project. Get him to sort himself out wirh counselling/GP and maybe in 6 months or a year you can talk.

With sadness I have to agree with other posters - step back.

If this is a life long problem, an appointment next week isn't going to come up with the magical cure.

Give him the space to start his journey and give yourself space from turning a new romantic relationship into a therapy support one.

It will never be easier to leave him than it is now.

Relationship dynamics are hard to change - if you become his "emotional support animal" so early in your relationship (while you are still setting the foundations for the dynamics between you both) then it will be very, very hard to break out of those roles. This happens sometimes when one partner is in poor physical health at the start of a relationship as well; if they get better, both partners can struggle to adapt to the new, more equal, footing.

I think this is different to a scenario where someone goes through a difficult time when they're already established in a relationship, as in that case the relationship dynamics have already been set on a more equal footing and it's easier to find a way back to that sort of healthy adult to adult dynamic.

My husband and I have been together for many years and have gone through more than one difficult life event for each of us (illness, bereavement, unemployment etc.) but because the support flows both ways it never feels like we become stuck with one of us always being the one in difficulty and the other always being the rescuer.

Bottom line, this man doesn't have the capacity for a romantic relationship right now. He needs to focus on himself.