Tips, advice and positive stories of separation / divorce after infidelity

[HelpPleaseNow]

I could really appreciate the collective wisdom of mumsnet on helping me to navigate and survive what is ahead of me. I have posted before about things and have had some good advice (on different issues).

I wanted to hear all your tips, advice and positive stories of separation / divorce after infidelity, where you had small children. I discovered almost a year ago that my husband was cheating on me, and it wasn't a one off, it was multiple times. I had no idea so it was all a massive shock.

He was remorseful and wanted to make things work. We went to couples counselling, which just made me feel awful (he made it out like it was my fault, that I was depressed, miserable etc and wasn't fun to be around, which I don't think is true, I can be really fun and loving, etc.) and I feel like the counsellor gently suggested that I shouldn't place my happiness in his hands and perhaps I am better off on my own.

That was a lightbulb moment for me. I felt like he just wasn't the person who could make me happy any more. So I asked for divorce / separation. Our finances don't allow us to move into separate housing just yet. We agreed that we will live together for a year and then he will move out. We are in separate bedrooms.

The problem is, after 3 months of feeling strong and that I had made the right decision, there are times when I am really doubting my decision to separate. We have a young child together.

After being really strong for 3 months, I took a bit of a set back and now I have moments where I feel like I can't live without him. When he went away for work for a month, I felt really good towards the end, like I was moving on. But when he came back, it all went pear-shaped and now I feel like I can't live without him, want to take him back etc. I just have this feeling like 'I can just make all this pain go away by saying "let's try again" and we can just be a happy family in our little home again'. Instead I am alone, lonely and depressed, in my own little room, scared and emotional.

But I also feel like if I just stick it out, there may be a brighter future for me. I keep thinking, what if, let's say, in five years time, I meet a wonderful man who wouldn't cheat, for whom I am enough, and he actually loves my slightly quirky, 'moody', but creative self, and thinks that's perfect for him? I keep imagining someone who has all the same interests as me, like art and music and literature, who actually loves that I am so expressive? And who would never betray me?

But being with someone else right now doesn't feel right, as I feel like my STBXH is my 'home' , if that makes sense? We had been together a very long time from a young age.

I just need some tips and advice on how to get through the next couple of years and survive with my sanity intact. I just wish I could get to the other side, where in a few years, I am really happy, where it is just me, my child, a new life and career, and maybe someone who thinks I am special and 'enough', and would make me happy / wouldn't cheat on me. Or just happy on my own.

Has anyone navigated these murky waters and come out at the other end? All advice and tips welcome.

So sorry to read this, you sound like you are going through such a tough time.

I'm not able to offer much wisdom but just to say a few things from my own experience.

I have come through an horrendous affair and rebuilt myself and my marriage - with my DH BUT it took a tremendous amount of effort on both our parts and he never once blamed me or believed I played any part in this. For me (looking back) this was probably the part that made it possible to work. It took years of talking, therapy (together and separately) and we are now so much stronger than we were ever before.

The other peace of advice is seeing numerous friends go through and come out of separation and get to the 'other side' of the painful time the period of separation is. Again it takes years often to get to a place. It sounds like at times you have known that this is not right because you are you - totally imperfect (as we all are) and you HAVE to have someone who accepts you with all your flaws. You are worthy of love and acceptance and should never feel you need to change yourself to make your marriage work - for me that would never work.

You WILL come through this and it will get better.. you will feel so much doubt along the way though.

So sorry it's such a tough time and sending you a big hug xx

I'm a year on from finding out my STBXH was having an affair. He moved out straight away (and in with her) but I think that has been the key to me moving on.
I love having the house to myself. All the resentment and anger I constantly felt because of his laziness is gone. The kids were upset to begin with but are now used to it and I can now really sit down with them in the eve and spend time with them whereas before I was running round after him.
The thing I would never have gotten over if we stayed together was the lack of respect for me. To cheat shows no respect for your partner or marriage.
There were times when I was desperate for him back so I had a journal and kept reminding myself about why I didn't. The only reason I did was to be a family but would I want my daughters to put up with a man having an affair? No, so why should I.
Read this

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

It will get better. You need your own space.

Not going to cover all of your post, but would say that you really need to find a way to not live together. You currently do not have the space to heal and move on, which you need.

I would say that moving on together from a partner having an affair is incredibly rare. It takes a huge effort on the part of the person who has cheated to make amends, and genuine remorse. It doesn't usually happen- and years later the wronged person still feels bitter and hurt.

It's probably harder for you right now because you are still living together. As soon as I was on my own I felt instantly better.

Have you got a therapist just for yourself to talk to? Do some reading around codependency and healthy relationships as well. Women Who Love Too Much is a good book to start with.

You can do this. I'm a year in after my marriage ended. We'd been together over 20 years. I had never lived alone as an adult. But I have come out of the other side. Life is calmer and easier now I'm on my own. You might have another relationship. You might not. But I promise you that you will meet someone wonderful. The woman you are without him. And she is perfect in everyway!

You are currently living in limbo. You really need to leave/him to leave so you can start to move on. Have you applied for a divorce? Is the house up for sale? Do you work?

Where did your ex go for a whole month?

He's tried to blame you which is awful.

You won't heal while he's there. As soon as he's gone you can claim benefits which may be more than you think- have you checked?

It sounds like your reasons for wanting him to stay have come from fear and anxiety.

There's nothing you've said that makes it sound like he's a good person who will put you first in the future.

But this bit is really hard.

I'm 2 years a bit on the other side of this and I'm now glad and feel the OW did me a favour.

Thank you all, so helpful.

Yes, you are all correct. I just don't understand why I went from 'I know this is the right decision and I feel better' to 'I love him still, and want to go back to reconciliation' now. I keep thinking, maybe I should have tried harder with the couples counselling.

But I knew this bit would happen, as we had broken up before and this was how it went - the initial relief and adrenaline-fuelled euphoria of a relief of it all ending and no more rehashing things and arguments...to then the fear of the unknown kicking in, and missing them and wanting him back.

Really wish he would just move on first and find another woman, so that I wouldn't have a choice and I'd have my hand forced!

Although I do feel that someone cheating on you (even if it didn't lead to them leaving you) is a way to force your hand to end it. I mean how can someone stay after repeated infidelity? You'd always wonder - am I good enough? Will he do it again?

But then, when we were reconciling, he was saying all the right things....that I was 'the one' and he had only ever loved me. So now I'm stuck with the doubts, and not sure if I had done the right thing to walk away from us being a secure family unit and still loving each other. I just feel like it is an unhealthy love.

I wish one of us would move on with someone else. Sometimes I think maybe dating someone else would help? But then I 100% am not ready for another relationship! I just want to focus on career and my child and my home. But then I have little energy and concentration for things anyway. So it's a weird limbo phase where all I want to do is to go back to the way things were.

I think the main thing I'm struggling with is the temptation to go back to STBXH and 'make the pain go away'. But I also want to get to the other side too, as I feel like what if I could be much happier on the 'other side'. Just wondering if anyone had something similar and how they coped.

You sound like it is the fear of the unknown which is worrying you. It sounds like the gamble in your head is life with him (but in the knowledge that he was unfaithful), vs the unknown life without him.

Your self esteem sounds rock bottom. Why would you want to stay with someone who was happy to cheat on you? His morals are out of whack if that is something he was happy to do to you. And do you really want a lifetime of being with someone who regards you so little? I think you're worth more than that, and I think if you dig deep you do know that too.

By shutting the door on him, you're opening it for other life experiences. But if you leave him in your life it will potentially just be more of the same.

@sunlovingcriminal thank you for your really insightful post, you are so very right. These are all things that are my reality now. I just keep thinking that perhaps this time he has changed. He was making all the right noises, and we were going to couples counselling. I keep thinking, maybe if I had stuck it out a bit longer, maybe things would fall into place. And I do still have feelings for him. It's so sad that at a time when we could have been really happy (family home, a child together), everything we worked so hard for....then this had to happen. I just wish there was NO choice. The hardest part is when there is that choice, and you know you could go back. But then he doesn't feel like the one any more. I feel like 'the one' wouldn't hurt you that way, IYSWIM.

I think you are right. My self-esteem is rock bottom. How does one build it back up again?

I wish I had a crystal ball into my future, and know what the right thing to do is.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is tiny, tiny steps, and just focusing on one day at a time (stick to my routine, stick to my daughter's routine, one day at a time...). And avoiding thinking about the future too much.

Your self esteem boosting needs to come from you doing things for you!

So, focusing on what makes you happy, and activities that will make you grow as a person. This could be a course, fitness, meditation, meeting up with family and friends more often. Activities that will make you feel good about yourself and help you to realise that you're bloody amazing!

Your latest post again reads that you'd prefer there to be "no choice", which in one way sounds like you'd prefer him to make a decision to shut the door. Maybe you should frame it that there is no choice. And that you've decided that there is no choice. You wouldn't stay with someone who was [insert your boundary here]... so why would you stay with someone who thought it was okay to hurt you to such an extent emotionally, and was prepared to jeopardise your family life, and everything you'd built together?

I know it's a cliche, but he's shown you what he's about- you have to believe that this is who he is.... it is a part of his character that he is capable of that.

(And for what it's worth- I don't think the "one" would hurt you... and speaking from experience... there might be a better "one" out there, if you wanted there to be, in the future- who would love all your imperfections and uniquenesses, and not cheat. As they'd be someone who cared too much and never risk losing you to do that).

@sunlovingcriminal such a helpful post, thank you, 🙏 all really amazing advice. That's what my friends and family say - that I don't really have a choice. He kind of made that choice for me. I just keep thinking about the people I know who reconciled and they seem happy. But with us, I think it's more than just infidelity. I think he doesn't quite cherish me for who I am, and also, he isn't as emotionally insightful, if that's the right word. I've met some people since (not in a romantic setting, more like acquaintances), and when I have conversations with them, they seem more emotionally understanding that he is.

So when I read about reconciliation on forums, where the wayward partner is so supportive that they would run home and cuddle their partner if they had a flashback etc....well...I didn't get that vibe here. I got the 'let's just move on' vibe, plus all the reasons why he did it, which are to do with me being 'depressed' or whatever. It actually feels more like getting over an addiction, rather than 'love'. Because love makes you feel good. Like, if someone loves you, they think you're amazing. Oh, I don't know. It's like being in no mans land, or in purgatory.

Also, what I find difficult is that I was feeling really good when I initially walked away. I felt powerful, relieved, sad of course, but also like I was strong enough, and started making lots of plans to study again, applying for jobs, doing hobbies. Then I kind of crashed last week. At the three month mark. And now I feel a depression sinking in. And doubts. And wanting to go back to make it all go away. I'm not sure why this seems to happen around the three month mark? It was the same when we broke up years ago (we've been together for almost 20 years...it's been a bit of a rocky relationship). Just curious why my brain is betraying me like this...

The reason why your brain is ‘betraying’ you as you put it is completely normal and completely to do with betrayal trauma. As human beings, we are need our primary attachment figure when we feel sad or traumatised or hurt, and in children, that’s obviously their parents, but for most adults it’s their romantic partner. So when your romantic partner betrays you what is very hard about it is that on the one hand your brain wants to get away from the cause of the trauma (your partner) as fast as it can, but on the other hand it wants to seek the comfort of its primary attachment figure (your partner) to get over the trauma. So it cycles between the two, wanting to run from them and wanting to turn from them. It’s a complete headfuck, but it’s completely normal. I know that doesn’t actually help solve the problem, but I do think understanding why you feel the way you do, and why your brain is responding the way it helps, does just help a little bit, and reassures you that you’re not losing the plot, you’re just dealing with trauma 💐

I really feel your pain and been in similar situation myself with my ex husband. Together for 11 years with 2 young children to find out from an anonymous letter my ex was having an affair. It went on for a good year and I was never meant to find out -his words. I threw him out initially but over time he would be wanting me back, how we could be better and after the anger subsided, it was very hard to keep going solo. I think it would have been easier to go back if I am honest. What he did was unforgivable but I didn’t want my children to come from a broken home like I did. I was torn for months but I remembered reading ‘To go back is to delay splitting up’. It resonated with me and I had a gut feeling he had the potential to do it again and I couldn’t put my children through a split years down the line. Every-time I doubted myself with how he would say our lives would be better, we can get through it etc I just kept thinking of the ‘to go back is to delay splitting up’. It helped me get through. I since found out he also cheated on me just after our marriage! Anyway I love being single, life was easier without running around after him and I could focus on my children and have ‘me’ time when they went to their dads. It really became the best of both worlds. It was so hard for 18months but you can get there. You deserve better too, no one has to put up with it. Lastly I remember the ‘rose tinted glasses’ start appearing after the anger and we were far from perfect. That last year I thought I was going crazy, he called me that too. You do not cheat on someone you truly love.
Whatever you decide, just make sure you are happy with the decision then there will be no regrets x

@Yolo999 thank you for sharing your story, it sounds very similar to mine. I do keep having doubts.

And it doesn't help how, when I shared my story with my friends and family, they all seem to have different opinions. My mum thinks we should get back together, and it doesn't help matters! Whereas other friends and family are the opposite, they think I shouldn't....

But I just keep thinking that 'the one' wouldn't hurt me this way. And even though I'd love to go back to our family unit....I just don't feel the same way about him. I'm still attracted to him, and I miss having that attachment figure, like @Northernlassandlovingit has said. It will take a long time to develop other attachment figures.

And so I plod along, resolute.

Hopefully in a year I wouldn't have any doubts any more. Last night I was daydreaming of meeting someone special who would treat me like a princess.

But as that won't happen any time soon (I'm nowhere near ready to start dating!)...today, I woke up with a new resolve.

I went into the garden, and said to myself....maybe, one day, I will meet someone special. And given the odds, I probably will! I'm still young. BUT for now...for today and for the foreseeable future, I can't rely on anyone else to make me happy. For that reason, I will do every tiny little thing daily to bring happiness to myself. So I've been doing tiny things....made some to do lists, had a nice cup of tea, that kind of thing. I think that will be my resolve from now on.

Keep doing one little thing each day just for you, that will help. From reading your posts I think you’ve decided deep down that things have changed and you know he’s not the one for you any more. It’s very hard when the person that has hurt you so much is the person in your life who has supported you through previous difficult times.

My ex cheated on me and 2 years down the line I’m now in my own place and very happy. I went through a brief phase early on of wanting to try and make it work between us, he really wasn’t interested and now I know that it wouldn’t have worked.

Maybe write down some of the feelings and plans you had earlier on, all the things you can do and new hobbies. There are better times ahead but it’s normal to have doubts and times where you would like to go back to how it was with someone you’ve been with for a long time. It’s not the same now though, he’s cheated and it wouldn’t be the same as it was before that happened. You’d be looking for the impossible, as it has changed.
Look after yourself and try and focus on the little positives every day.

Thank you, I think you've hit the nail on the head - I keep wanting to go back to what we had, but it's just not the same. The person is not the best friend I thought he was. It's so hard to let go of the doubts and the what-ifs.

I also keep thinking negative thoughts like how hard it will be as a single parent, how dangerous it may be to introduce a new partner to my DD (if I ever meet someone further down the line), and how I may be alone for the rest of my life now. And when that happens, then all I want to do is go back and try again with ex. The future looks bleak and scary on my own right now...