How to tell the DC

[parttimecarriemathison]

My marriage is over. We’re still friends (at the moment but I guess time will tell once divorce paperwork is in the mix).
Its been a sexless marriage for more than 5 years and moved into separate rooms more than 6 months ago. We’ve discussed it many times and have agreed that we will separate a month ago but we’ve not yet told our children or parents or friends.
I don’t think anyone will be massively surprised but I know my family will be extremely disappointed. We’ve been holidaying separately with the children for the last couple of years and the relationship is functional from a parenting perspective. We cooperate and are friendly to manage the family schedules around work commitments.
We need to tell the kids and I’ve suggested that this weekend is a good time as we have half term to let it sink in and be available and ready to talk lots. He didn’t want us to split but has reluctantly agreed that we can’t keep having the divorce conversation every few months for years on end. When I suggested it earlier (I.e. telling the kids) he said he thinks it’s catastrophic and there’s no going back and we will be dealing with the fallout for the rest of our lives. I do understand that but I’ve sadly come to the realisation that if we don’t take these difficult steps then we will be in this miserable limbo forever and I also don’t think we are modelling healthy relationships.
I feel like I’ve been at the edge of a cliff trying to get the courage to make the changes which impact everyone for so long. I just don’t know how to make the next step knowing that it plunges us all into misery for a time. I’m convinced it’s the right thing in the long term but how did others get over this step?

I think it sounds like you've given this a lot of time and thought and you sound ready to take the next step. Telling your children won't be easy but it has to happen and I think you're right about modelling healthy relationships. Also about the timing and your being around to talk and support. Stay strong. Hope it goes ok.

@parttimecarriemathison

Have you tried being blunt & saying 'There is no going back'

I probably would do it next weekend, I think it would be better for them just to have the weekend at home then get back into the school routine to take their minds off it.. One thing I'd do is explicitly give them permission to tell their friends if they feel they want to talk about it. Dont make them keep it a secret. My family went through something (life changing but not divorce) but we were told it was private & we weren't to discuss it. That was hard.

Your husband doesn’t want to tell the children or anyone else for that matter because he wants things to carry on as they are because that suits him. Indefinitely.

You already have separate rooms, separate holidays. I think you may be pleasantly surprised and your children might take this news totally in their stride, or at least have had an inkling this was on the cards. You’ve thought carefully about the timing and being available to talk and support them.

If not now, when?

Thank you all for your messages of support and advice. He’s still pushing back on telling them. I’m trying to be consistent without creating a hostile environment where we can’t be aligned. Everything feels hard right now mixed in with normal everyday domesticity if the chores etc. Its a weird feeling.