Mismatched sex drives getting me down

[beebee23]

Posted on the sex thread but think it belongs here more.

DH and I have been together over 20 years. He has ED and after briefly trying viagra says he doesn’t like the side effects and doesn’t want to take it. We have some nice times together but no penetrative sex any more, which I miss. If I try to initiate he will cuddle a bit but it doesn’t go anywhere. We had arranged a time once a week for us, but he now says that’s not working for him. He won’t try anything at other times as says the kids will hear. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I think partly embarrassment, and despite my saying I’m frustrated doesn’t show any interest in my point of view.

I have a fairly active sex drive, I’d do it at least twice a week if possible, perhaps more. I am massively frustrated and just basically sorting myself out now as I know weeks or months will go by with nothing happening between us. I feel like I’ve tried for years to interest him, make moves, arrange times, been understanding etc but fundamentally he’s just not very interested.

I find it pretty lonely and heartbreaking tbh, and constantly have crushes on other people which is hard to manage. I don’t know what to do. We are happy enough in other ways but it’s just always been a problem and I’m basically just not myself, and I need the physical closeness to feel loved really.

You may not have MIs-matched sex drives but his ED is driving him away from wanting to be physically intimate with you.

Having ED, can be soul destroying, lead to depression and you feel as if you have failed your partner. Its a viscous circle, he will be avoiding PIV as he already knows before its even begun that he will 'fail' and therefore let you down.

It sounds as if you are supporting him, which is great but if he doesn't put in the effort his end nothing will change.

There are so many other PDE5's available aside from Viagra, they all work in a similar way but tend to have different side effects. If Viagra doesn't suit him, try Cialis, This also stays in the system for up to 36 hours so less planning is needed and generally side effects aren't as noticeable.

His health could well be an underlying source for his ED and lack of libido. Best to encourage him to have a check up - A doppler will determine his root cause of any ED.

If he has ED, i would assume he doesn't get night time erections. ( If he does then it may well be phycological rather than physiological ) - A lack of NTE's causes penis atrophy over time which effectivly means his penis will shrink over time. Even if he isn't using it for PIV, no man wants to think about a shrinking dick so i would also put that in the conversation somewhere.

On a more serious note, ED, can be the first sign of heart disease or respiratory issues so it is important he gets himself checked out.

If he doesn't want your help, then there isn't much more you can do I'm afraid. You can always suggest an open relationship and see how he reacts but ultimately if he really loved and cared for you, he would get help.

Thank you. I will talk to him. It’s not even the ED, he has been all checked out health wise, it’s that he seems so uninterested. Just pretty crushing is all. He says all the time what a great relationship we have as well.