Chronically low self esteem

[StillInBedToday]

I have chronically low self esteem.

I've had therapy/counselling for it on and off for 30 years.

I don't know how to change it anymore. I get to a point where I'm OK and discharged from whatever service I'm engaged with and then it resurfaces. Not immediately but it always does.

Has anyone successfully dealt with this? It's impacting negatively and severely on every area of my life - friendships, relationships, work...

I have hobbies but it impacts there so I can't enjoy them properly. I practice self care but feel like a fraud doing so because I fundamentally believe I'm not worth it.

What sort of therapy have you had?
What was your relationship with your parents like?
If you have complex PTSD, it can be very difficult to resolve.
Do you have a critical inner voice!

I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice for you.

I just wanted to express sympathy because I'm in a similar position: my self esteem is so low I'm now virtually a recluse because any social interaction makes me feel so bad about myself.

As you say , every area of life is affected. In my case I feel as though I have no right to be anywhere and I should crawl down the street instead of walking.

I know where my low self esteem comes from but knowing that hasn't helped me at all. I now have no contact with my family and I feel if I'd done that many many years ago, in my 20s, there might have been some hope for me. But in my case it's too late.

I hope you get some helpful advice here

Mainly what I've been offered through the NHS. Started DBT about 4 years ago but I found the therapist very confrontational, unhelpful and I dreaded going so I stopped. I've had some work for core beliefs but my actual core beliefs didn't really change. Inner child stuff. I do all the exercises, challenge thoughts etc but it all feels very superficial. I know how to mask it and get through every day life but I feel like I'm barely functioning in this respect not thriving in any sense.

Relationships with both parents was dire to non existent and abusive (mostly emotional some physical). One died and I've been NC with the other for well over a decade.

Some of my low self esteem comes from aspects of my circumstances that I'm not in a position to change for various reasons but that are directly linked to the abuse.

I have a very critical iner voice. I've tried to silence it, challenge it, ignore it, replace it but nothing has worked because it's not just that I believe it, I agree with it too.

It's more 'comfortable' to try and work with out and find strategies to manage it than to try and change it because what it says is true. I've got a lifetime of evidence backing it up. Therapy isn't going to work because I don't actually believe my thinking is flawed. I feel like I'm gaslighting myself.

I just feel like I'm surviving and waiting for the end tbh. I'm not yet 50. I could have nearly as long to go again as I've had already and that thought terrifies me. I wouldn't do anything but if I were given the option of falling asleep and not waking up, I'd take it.

Sorry to read your feel similarly. I completely understand the feeling of not having any right to be anywhere.

I force myself out to my hobby but I find it hard because of how feel about myself and don't really enjoy it all as a result. I love the hobby but it's too much for me.

I avoid going out socially because I can't bear to be seen. It had improved and I was 'ok' about 2 years ago but it's steadily got worse again and now I'm really struggling again.

And ok in the sense I was able to shout down the inner voice. It was still there but it didn't listen to it. I can't block it out at all now.

I never feel safe. Just varying degrees of unsafe.

Have you had a look at diagnostic criteria for c-ptsd? I wonder if 'low self esteem' is actually something deeper like shame, stemming from attachment issues and trauma. It might be worth exploring this very kindly and gently with yourself.

Everyone has inherent worth and dignity, you don't need to compare yourself to anyone or change anything about yourself, you're just right as you are x

OP, I too spent 30 years trying to break through my anxiety/depression etc which felt like a block of ice in my stomach.

Probably the biggest thing that changed my life was reading this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Conquer-Your-Critical-Inner-Voice/dp/1572242876
Instead of trying to silence your inner voice you give it free reign and listen to it.
This will make it much clearer what your core beliefs are and where they come from.
You will never get rid of your inner voice by fighting with it or trying to silence it.

The second thing that helped me was finding a very experienced psychotherapist who was able to guide me in the right direction and agreeing with me that I had complex PTSD.

The final thing that has had a profound impact is learning about structural dissociation.
When you suffer trauma, your psyche splits into parts, one of which is the critical inner voice part. This part was initially created by your mind as a defence mechanism to keep you from antagonising your parents who could have done you even worse harm.
When you realise that this part is a part of you and you talk to it and accept it, then it starts to integrate and you can start to heal.
Structural dissociation sounds complicated and scary but is actually quite straightforward when you read about it and discuss with a good therapist.

https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/
is a good website to read about structural dissociation.

I've just looked st it. Yes, a lot of that rings true but I don't feel that how I view myself is distorted.

I understand your last sentence very much but I can't apply it to myself. I feel unseen. I can feel that I'm in a room full of people and I almost feel invisible.

Yes. There is a lot of shame. I'm much better at emotional regulation now I'm older but that's more because I avoid situations that I anticipate will be difficult.

CeleryCeller

Thank you. I appreciate the time you've taken to respond with that. I'll take a look.

No worries OP.

When you say you "feel unseen, almost invisible", that is the defence mechanism that one part of your brain put in place when being seen could have resulted in catastrophic consequences.
Unfortunately the defence mechanism which was effective as a baby/child makes your adult life tortuous as one part of you wants to be seen and live a normal life and another part is trying to make you disappear because it is frozen in the moment of time when it perceived that your life was in grave danger.

OP, I don't know if you've done this, but you need to critically review your parents' treatment of you; list their faults and your achievements; agree that their behaviour were not justified and they didn't deserve you; how nicely would you be treated if you had good parents.

I’m so sorry. To never feel safe is a horrible, horrible exhausting feeling. I don’t have a magic solution, just wanted to leave a comment and send a hug x

I have done that.

I understand how it came about and why they did it. I understand. I can see the things I've changed and things I've achieved that I did both without them and in spite of their efforts to sabotage them.

But it hasn't changed anything. And crucially not how I feel about myself.

Thank you x

CeleryCeller

I've ordered that book and read that website. Very interesting and I recognise a lot of myself in it. Especially the flip flopping minute by minute as to which version of me is present.

It can switch just like 'that'. It did last night which is why I've spent all day in bed today. Exhausted, mute and with an absolutely horrendous headache.

The trauma being stored in your body thing makes a lot of sense.

Have you tried any peer support groups? That was the only thing that helped me.

There's also a lot of shame.

Based upon who I am, what I look like, even a meeting with my boss that I have requested and goes well is something I ruminate on and feel shame and anxiety for for days/weeks afterwards because I don't feel I have the right to do that or ask for even very basic considerations.

I had a short, positive meeting 2 weeks ago and I've had awful feelings about it since- that he was polite and positive but it was disingenuous and he was saying one thing but thinking another about me.

I did actually. I found it to be the most helpful too. Everyone sharing almost identical experiences, sharing things that helped them etc.

It was really obvious that we'd all responded to very similar situations in very similar ways.

Things that I couldn't tell people in real life or at least couldn't tell people in a way they'd understand because they sound so ridiculous.

Unfortunately the group closed down around lockdown and didn't reopen.