Reconnecting with friends after abuse

[Abusequestions]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for advice or experiences from people who’ve left abusive relationships and tried to rebuild friendships and support networks that were lost during the abuse.

I’ve just left an abusive partner. It was a long term relationship (over 15 years)
so I lost a lot of people. There’s one particular friend who I really miss and would like to reach out to.

I don’t know if it’s possible or a good idea to try. I cut her off very suddenly when she was trying so hard to help and support me. If I was in her position I don’t know if I could forgive, even if I understood the context.

Hey @Abusequestions , I was in your position after a relationship a few years ago. Well done for leaving, first of all.

In terms of getting my friends back, as I was completely alienated through the relationship and stopped making effort / contacting all my friends as I was so closed in, I found it easier to take them one at a time. So I started with my best friends, and I was just open and honest with them. I let them know nothing was their fault, it was all me and what I was going through but if they were open to starting again I would really appreciate their support.

I'm happy to say I'm here now 7 years later with my close friendships all back to normal, they are my rocks and I have a lot of new friends too. True friends will understand what you were going through and understand any behaviour based on your situation.

I think you are best to just be honest and let them know how much you appreciate them and their friendship.

Thanks for the reply @ElleBelleLou thats really helpful and encouraging.

Do you mind me asking how you went about it? Did you just text and ask to meet up then take it from there? I’ve been trying to write a text to this friend but I can’t work how to word it.

Oh please do contact them.

Last year I got one of my best friend's back after she left an abusive relationship. I didn't like her partner but never thought he was abusive. He hid it and so did she.
Nobody knew.

She began drifting from us after they married. We asked several times if everything was OK but she always said it was. She was just busy, overtime, they were always for the weekend, etc.

She's back and it's brilliant.

@Abusequestions

I agree totally with the ubove posters especially @ElleBelleLou

I think just write a letter,
Or
If easier and quicker email or text them you are just sorry due to being in abusive relantship with your ex
Our friendship drifted apart or something similar along lines of brief explanation,

and to meet up in a cafe for catch up ,

I would also look into explore joining different hobbies interests groups you are curious interested in
so more likely have a good mix of established friendships from the past and newer friendships too

I just checked the text I got.

Hi, sorry I haven't been in touch in so long. Long story but I've left my marraige and am trying to repair the friendships I've lost because of it . I would love if we could meet for coffee.

I rang her straight away. We laughed and we cried and met two days later.

I will be honest. It took me a while to understand why she didn't ask me for help when she needed it but I understand now and everything is good between us.

@Abusequestions I wanted to say what I could in person so they could see how genuine I was. I texted my closest friends in a group chat and asked if we could go for a coffee, so I could talk to them x

People who love you and care about you will never ever hold you hostage to the false notion of expectations. You’ve been through a lot. People understand. The compassionate ones do.

Some will be there at the other side. The right ones. Reach out.

I’m in self imposed exile myself. I’ve established my own Skellig Michael, just in my little cave, licking my wounds, 2 1/2 years on since my own abusive marriage ended. My ex is now in prison. It just takes time to come to terms with what never really was. You grieve the trust you lost. Reaching out to friends requires trust, which is in very short supply for those who’ve been abused. It’s hard to reach out. The words don’t find us.

Everytime I try to write/text, I lose my words. I’m waiting for the day when my words will come back effortlessly. I hope they do. There are so many people I want to say I love you to.

I truly believe that loving friends will easily reconnect with you. Real friendship doesn’t have a sell-by date. This is a certainty. I hope your words come to you. I hope you can get back all of the trust and love you need and deserve. Your friend will be overjoyed to hear from you. 💐

Thanks so much for all the replies, it’s good to hear positive stories.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater sorry to hear you’re in the same place. I feel the same about trust and not being able to find the right words.

It’s helpful to think that real friendships will be restored easily. If I reach out and get rejected, they probably aren’t the friends I need right now anyway.

If you really did suddenly cut her off, I think you need to be ready for her to be a bit wary at first and to take it a bit slowly. That doesn't mean she's 'rejecting' you, just being cautious and is entirely understandable I know I would be - I have a friend who stopped contacting me despite lots of effort on my part and I'm sure it was partly due to her new husband being insecure about her existing friendships group and making it difficult. If she contacted me now out of the blue I'll be willing to meet up but would be a bit careful about how involved I got for a while, until I felt I could trust her again. It's not about me not being a 'real' friend, it's about having hurt me, even if she has reasons like yours.

So tell her you miss her, be willing to apologise and don't be upset if she's not immediately all over a joyous reconciliation (though maybe she will be, who knows) If she is happy to meet up, don't launch straight in with lots of reasons and excuses about why you did it, as that may come across as not recognising how she must have felt, so acknowledge her feelings too.

Even if she does understand what you were going through at the time, it's still hard to be let down by people. The relationship won't be the same as it was, time has passed, so be interested in what has happened in her life in that time, not just telling her all about you.

Best of luck and well done for getting out of your relationship.

Watching with interest, I lost a very dear friend who sided with my ex as he was fed a pack of lies.

I miss him terribly, but also so angry and feel so betrayed.

I think reaching out is a good idea OP and I hope things work out for you.

I'd start out with an apology.

A message with something like "Hi, I just wanted to send a message to apologise for the way I treated you and cut you out. You were trying to help me and I wasn't ready to accept that help, so running away and hiding felt like the only option. I've now left xxxxx and was hoping we could meet for a chat and so I can apologise in person. I'd love to be able to try to rebuild our friendship, but completely understand if that's not something you're willing to do."

Thanks for the reply. I more meant that if it’s going to be really difficult then it probably isn’t what I need at the moment, because life’s pretty rough for me already.

I understand your feelings about your friend and I know it’s hard to be hurt, but if my friend felt like that about me then it probably wouldn’t be the right thing for us to reconnect at the moment so I’d rather she said no outright.

I hope that makes sense.

Thanks, she does actually know I’ve left him as we’ve got mutual friends.

Part of the issue if that she very supportive of the relationship and was also friends with my ex partner (not any more, we disappeared together) so it’s tricky to know how to approach it.

I read this post and just hoped you are happy now a couple months later. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and lost a lot of friends that won’t talk to me anymore because they didn’t know or see the abuse, so the alienation didn’t make sense to them. It’s a shit situation but I’ve turned a corner and can see happiness and hope you can too.

Thank you. I’m doing well now. I’ve managed to reconnect with friends who I’d drifted away from because of the abuse. I didn’t reach out the particular friend I was asking about hear because things were a bit more complicated and I still don’t feel like I’m in the right place to risk rejection.

I did actually bump into her before Christmas though and we had a nice chat so I feel better about it.

Losing friends was the worst part of it all for me. I hope you’re doing in your recovery too.

@Abusequestions I’m glad you’ve managed to reconnect with some of your friends, and I hope you can reconnect with ‘particular friend’ in the future. I cut off a friend about four years ago because my abusive ex couldn’t stand me seeing him. I did it to try to keep the peace but of course it didn’t, it only got worse. I actually very nearly sent a text yesterday after catching up with a mutual friend, but I ended up backing out. A combination of nerves, shame and also questioning whether he was actually that bothered in the first place.

@kitteninabasket so sorry you’ve been through this too.

Its so hard isn’t it, because you can’t know how someone would respond if you did reach out.

i think in learning that i have to trust myself and instincts, so if i feel like it’s a good idea to reach out to someone then I will, but if it’s doesn’t feel like the right timing for me that’s ok too.

Hope you’re doing ok.