Girlfriend broke up, but still hopes to be together in future

[Jb854]

My girlfriend and have been living long distance relationship for a year now and she decided to break up with me and told me it was better for us to be apart and see what we really want in life after 9 years together. It feels like she wanted to see how it is to be with other people because we are each other first ones. We have lived together also for about 6 years and the rest was in long distance. Now we both decided to talk after 6 months and go in NC for now. I agreed to this because I didn't wanted to lose her during our last call. I miss her everyday and don't have the feeling to be with someone else or date anyone these months in between
She even wrote to my family she hopes to be with me in 6 months and start over again and that we both have grown as adults. And she says this to every family member who wrote to her and was thanking her for the nice moments together. For me it feels like she keeps me as a back up because I never wanted to be with some one else it feels like I can't move on.It's her last year studying and she told me she isn't sure anymore what she wants in life yet. She is also heartbroken and misses me my dad told me we love eachother so much. Any advice how to deal with this?

I have to agree with the others. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her. Look after you. Reconnect with friends, exercise, eat well, concentrate on your work, take up a new hobby. One day at a time, then one week at a time, then a month at a time . . .
Nothing hurts like your first heartbreak, but please know that you will survive this. Nothing IME will ever hurt you again as much.
And if one day by chance she comes back to see you, she will find you healthier, stronger and happier than you are now, and with a little more experience of life too.
Best of luck.

I know it's hard for you at the moment but give yourself some time. She wants to leave the door open and being honest she is not been fair on you. She wants to see what's out there and expects you to be back up guy if she does not like what she finds.
You need to remove her from the family what's app group. Get in contact with your friends and start to build up your own life. Be open to met someone else who lives near you and wants the same things as you.

One of my friends went through a horrible brake up a few years ago. Her ex boyfriend though the grass would be greener elsewhere. He rushed into a new relationship and his girlfriend got pregnant within a year. He though this was great news but now reality has set in a few years later. Things are not great between him and her but he loves the child.
After my friend and him broke up she found out several things about him.
He contacted my friend a while ago and they met up. He wanted to get into a friend's with benefits situation with her. My friend told him that they could only be friends.
She said well he turned me down a few years ago and I am not willing to take him and his child on now if his partner finds out he has cheated on her.

Thanks I will get in therapy in March and this will help me forward in life. I think I just need to break contact forever this will be the best long-term.

Do you think she would have said yes to a proposal of marriage?
Could she have become tired of waiting?

I can't think of any other reasonable explanation to have a split with someone you love.

Maybe she is not feeling at strongly as you.

Yes. And gradually you'll start to feel happier. I know that seems unlikely at the moment but time does heal.

I think now she will not anymore, I was planning to do this in the summer. And I even wanted to move to her country again and live with her but she did not want this anymore for now. We planned even buying a house together next year. So even with all my effort to save it and trying again everything I could she denied it. 😭

This is the situation exactly. I really wish posters would stop saying she might come back in the future. She will not be coming back. She needed to end the relationship, prob felt awful about it, so tried to do it as gently as possible.

Op, be sad for a bit and then pick yourself up and move in a new direction.

I can't think of any other reasonable explanation to have a split with someone you love

I can. Unfortunately, the girlfriend has fallen out of love with the OP.

OP - stay strong. You'll get over this eventually. It's a kick in the teeth but maybe she's done you a favour. At least you didn't actually buy a house and start a family. That would have been much harder to disentangle.

I'm sorry, but this is so naive. Just because you love someone does not mean the relationship can work. If just loving someone was enough, no one would ever break up.

I'm with PP: she doesn't want to be with you and she isn't coming back in six months. I'm sorry. She either wanted the psychological comfort blanket of keeping you in reserve or she thought dangling you that option would be "kinder", when in fact it's crueller.

I'm surprised that the two of you are as old as 28; at her age she should know better than to think that "maybe in six months" is ever going to happen.

Sometimes people say things like this to soften the blow of ending a relationship. They are trying to be kind and minimise the huurt, but they actually make things worse by leaving the other person with no idea where they really stand.

Sometimes people say things like this because they don't want to be 'the bad guy' and they want the dumpee and their family and friends to still see them as a good person.

Sometimes they say things like this because they genuinely aren't sure what they want, and they want to keep the door open in case they change their mind again later on.

Sometimes they do it to keep the other person 'hanging on' for them - a power thing; needing to know they COULD go back if they wanted to.

It isn't fair on you, whatever the reason.

Yes Ive been hurt so much by her now, Im not going to contact her ever again..

This is a classic break up. Of course it hurts. You have suffered greatly and your body and mind are dealing with this as a form of a bereavement. It will take time to get over (and given the length of your relationship, I don't think you'll suddenly feel all right again after six months, although there are steps you can take to get over her- see below).

As for what to do now:

1. Block her on every social media platform going. Maybe even fully delete your accounts like Facebook so you aren't tempted to stalk her.

1. Tell your family to remove her from the WhatsApp group. Explain that you need to get over her and can't do that while they are still in contact with her. Maybe she can be friends with them in future - not now.

1. Allow yourself to grieve. Grieve for the relationship. Spend a week or two allowing yourself to feel the pain. Keep a diary of your feelings. Listen to songs that have been written about heartbreak. Read poetry. Watch sad films. This is a tale as old as time and many people have experienced heartbreak. Lean into their experiences and creations. Important: this period of active grief, where you deliberately ruminate on your feelings should not last more than two weeks at most. Then you need to move on to step 4.

1. This is where you allow your friends to help you. It sounds like they have your best interests at heart. Go out with them. Spend time with them. Even if you don't feel like it, go out with them anyway. Take active steps to take your mind off your break up. Also, start to think about things you didn't like about your relationship. Long-distance is hard work. Everyone has irritating habits. What were hers?

1. Think about yourself. What do you enjoy? What can you do now that you are single that you couldn't do easily before (because you didn't have the time or whatever)? Is there an instrument you've ever wanted to learn? Another language? A sport you've ever wanted to try? Do something for you, to rediscover yourself as a single adult. Expand your social circle. Take up an interest that you never shared with your ex. Maybe get into shape if you're not already.

1. Look to the future in terms of your career. Are you happy where you are career-wise? Do you want to do anything new (go for promotion; retrain; find a new job etc.)

1. After taking steps 1-6, you will be in a better place in 6 months. The pain won't feel as raw. You'll have grown as a person and be in a stronger place if she does get back in touch.

There is a proverb (possibly Chinese) that says: "The birds of sadness may fly overhead, but don't let them nest in your hair".

Final points:

1. Exercise is good and releases natural endorphins;
2. Spending time outdoors and in nature is good;
3. Spending time offline is good;
4. Spending too long on the Internet is bad;
5. Numbing your pain with drugs or alcohol is bad.

Good luck!

@Aquamarine1029

** "but our love was so strong"

I'm sorry to say this just isn't true. If it were, she'd still be with you.

That's unnecessary and completely untrue. You're basically saying that loving relationships never break down.

People change. Feelings change.

It's incredibly insulting to anyone who's ever had a marriage or long-term partnership break up to say "meh, you can't have ever truly loved each other."

she sounds like a master manipulator! You're either the backup plan or she's trying completely remove you from her life. Please.just move.I'm with your life, ive.seen far too many men and women in my life get hooked along only for it to turn out to be nothing.

Hey.
I hope you are doing ok today, even though I know it takes more time to move on and heal.

I'm coming to you because I'm more or less in the same situation.
We're younger, (21 and 20), we're our first relationship that lasted 5 years, and we love each other.

She told me that she wasn't sure about our relationship anymore because she was scared to only know our relationship in life, and, as we are youngs, she kind of wants to live life by herself.
However, she assured me she still loved me, and that a part of her wants to stay with me, but we agreed that we needed time away from each other, so she can think about her feelings, and experience life alone, at least for a moment.
So, as of today, we are not together anymore. And I feel miserable. 100% of my thoughts are about her, I miss her so much, I can't imagine going on in life without her, and knowing that she also still loves me and also still kind of want to be with me (she told me she was really unsure about her decision) keeps me from moving on.
I don't want to forget her, I don't want our beautiful and sane relationship to stop, I need her, and I can't stop hoping that, after some time apart she'll realize she wants to stay with me.

You are in a pretty similar situation, even though I guess it's harder for you, as your relationship is even longer, but I wanted to know if you could tell me how things evolved, and if you had any advice.