Argument with DP

[BranchGold]

I ended up having an argument with my dp last night, slept in the spare room and haven’t seen him today as he’s gone to work. He text to ask if I wanted to talk and I told him I was still upset but we could take when he gets back.

I think the argument stemmed from our very different communication styles, and feeling like we come at things from different angles. Quite often what I think is a conversation, he believes is an argument, and his natural stance is to go on the attack to win at arguing. He escalated it to the point of suggesting I should move out.

I’m trying to compose my thoughts for when we do speak, and I’m conscious of not falling in to the trap of ‘you do this…’ narrative, as I understand it’s not always constructive. But I really do just want to say ‘you do this…’! To explain where I’m coming from.

Im not sure what I’m asking really, perhaps for some advice from people who have had relationships with different communication styles and how/if you’ve made it work.

I wonder if he's doing the same mental acrobatics trying to work out how to communicate with you? Or whether he'll just revert to type and assume you're the problem if the talk doesn't go well...

Trying to find some middle ground when you both have different communication styles only works if you both do it. Otherwise your 'talk' will be you bending over backwards trying to word things in a way that doesn't set him off trying to 'win' the argument, and he's just trying to win the argument.

If he's really that emotionally immature and lacks self awareness to the point you can't even talk to him without him going on the defence/attack, then you are going to have to come to the point where you accept that you're not compatible. I've been with men who just bulldoze their point of view through and don't listen, and I couldn't do it again.

Is it not just down to the fact that he can't handle criticism and will say whatever he can to divert the onus from himself and on to you?

There's not a lot you can do about that.

Criticism is THE number one predictor of a divorce or a split.
Stop doing it.

Well, someone would only suggest I move out once.

I'd have gone before he returned from work.

Or, I'd make it clear that I won't accept threats to break up. That's manipulative surely?

Don't be daft.

Op has the right to talk to her h about his communication style. 🙄

Yeah, and the sign of a poor communicator who has to resort to the nuclear option...

I think this was very much my instinct this morning tbh.

For practical reasons it’s a bit of a logistical headache to be out at the moment, I’d probably need a few days to get everything together.

I just feel sad.

I think he’ll probably try to minimise it all and sweep it under the carpet.

Don’t use ‘you’ use ‘I’

I feel that……..
l get upset when…
l feel unheard when……

Much better than ‘you do this’ or ‘you do that’ takes the heat and criticism out of the conversation. If he starts with ‘you’ ask him not to and to explain his feelings from an ‘l’ point of view.

Did he suggest you move out immediately? I mean it’s not working, I ssueoct as long as your making plans, and can be out in a few days or a week it’s fine? Keep sleeping in the spare room.

the pp is right on criticism. It needs to be handled well. As all that happens otherwise is it leads to the other person being defensive and then the same back.

I feel that he’s rude and dismissive. He gets bored of communicating, particularly when he senses the argument isn’t going in his favour because I’m giving rational rebuttals.

I feel upset when he doesn’t show any kindness in an interaction. Wanting to go for the jugular.

It’s so hard to have a conversation with expressing what I dislike, that isn’t really a criticism of how he’s chosen to behave. I guess I’m at the point where should I bother trying to explain myself and let him know what I think? Or just accept that it doesn’t work.

Just be warned, a lot of women who think they have a communication problem are actually in emotionally abusive relationships. Having your thoughts and opinions shut down because your partner turns everything into a fight is way to control you and stop you speaking up.

The first question I’d ask yourself OP is whether you are more bothered about winning the argument, or keeping the relationship.

DH & I in our early days used to be quite fiery as in we would have quite big dramatic arguments with a lot of “okay well we’re over then”, we both cringe looking back at this now BUT we were both very young and also we really had no idea how to communicate with each other in a healthy way. We both took any criticism very personally and as an attack and so that gets your back up and you respond in anger, you do almost instinctively go for the jugular because you perceive the other person to be attacking you/your character.

We realised we couldn’t continue as we were and spent really a lot of time learning how to communicate in a health way, in a calm way, how to say to one another that we aren’t happen with a certain act/phrase/behaviour without it coming across that we are saying we don’t like the person. If you think your relationship is worth keeping, that is what you need to work towards, but it takes both of you to be willing to put the work in x