Difficult situation with Step-MIL... how do I deal with this?

[oramges]

So DH's dad (FIL) remarried about 10 years ago and he now lives with his new wife (my step-MIL)

FIL has a tricky relationship with his ex-wife and her family in the sense that he still likes to keep in with them but is scared of his wife and how she reacts to this so he reluctantly avoids ex.

FIL has 2 children, my husband and his sister.

Step-MIL doesn't like my SIL and her family.

Over the years myself and step-MiL have bonded over certain aspects of the family as they are quite dysfunctional and I have always understood her feelings towards them since I have always found them difficult as well.

Only issue is she has become very clingy to me, she messages me most days, and she wants to know everything that's going on with my MIL and SIL and wants to moan about them a lot.

I have 2 children of my own, a busy job and lifestyle and I'm starting to feel irritated by her constant messaging. She doesn't seem to have anything else going on in her life and just wants to be bitter and moan.
Her DH (my FIL) isn't aware of the messages as well which makes me feel very awkward.

I've tried responding more slowly, and shutting conversations down more but she still messages me daily. Usually stuff like "have you seen these Facebook photos, they're pathetic!" Etc

It's really starting to bring me down, how do I deal with this?

Ask her not to comment on things like that to you. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and up will no longer respond to messages like that

She sounds awful. Tell her.

“I’m not going to keep up this gossiping and disparaging comments about the family, you’re being very rude”

this is unacceptable , stop these conversations and side a bit with the mother of your husband, because your step mother in law is going to take all you father in law money one day and on top of that she would have been using you to mock you in the face by mocking everyone else. How is this unclear to you

You and she haven’t bonded, you’ve become bitching buddies.

Just stop replying to any messages slagging off the family. Don’t respond. It’s that simple.

It’s pathetic for adults to be doing this.

Just stop responding altogether. Only reply to nice things to demonstrate what you will and won’t accept

Start complimenting the people that you normally bitch about so she starts liking you less.

Hi MIL,
I know we have both had difficulties with ex-wife and SIL but I'm trying to build my relationship with both of them for DH's sake so I don't want to get drawn into criticising photos, gossiping about them, etc. I'm glad I already have a good relationship with you though, it makes our extended family life much nicer! Looking forward to seeing you and FIL soon.

Yes. You should have done that years ago, whenever she started this.

What does your husband think about you two bitching about his family?

You've obviously been bitching back about them as if not, it wouldn't have been going on so long; now it's cone back to bite you on the bum.
Hope, for the sake of family relations, she doesn't show your messages around ...

You need to distance yourself from the messages. You could find yourself being dragged into family disputes further down the line.

"I understand that you want someone to vent to and possibly even a comrade...but my interests sit on the fence as I'd rather get along with and think well of all of you. With love, can we draw a line under the topic?"

Polite, kind but firm.

So you and her have been bitching, now her bitching has become too much??

This is really good.

It’s the best way of distancing yourself from any further messages, and your best chance of redemption if she throws you under the bus at some point in the future and shows the family your messages about them.

@HoHoHoliday that's a great message

Ah sorry Freda, I know it’s frustrating. I’m trying hard to build bridges at the moment, for DH’s sake, so I’m biting my tongue and staying out of it.

right, new year new leaf. I’m trying to develop a more accepting and positive attitude. It’s a New Year’s resolution! Don’t tempt me to be mean!

You can even push back with ‘Oh I thought she looked rather sweet, that colour suits her!’

You can actually just be nice and that will stop all the fun and satisfaction she gets out of it and she’ll stop.

This is only hard because you feel guilty. Stop being mean and the problem goes away. Sorry!

Just say to her I am sorry xxxx but I am not going to carry on conversations criticising dh’s mother or sister and must ask you to stop including me in any comments