Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Months of no sex then suddenly lots - confused

19 replies

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 11:03

DP and I been dating 2 years and lived together for 8 months. Both in 40s no kids but stressful jobs. I live at his house which is rural and over an hours commute to work and friends.

I am moving out in 8 weeks. I sold my house 8 months ago and bought an off plan new build. The plan was always to live at his temporary.

Took us quite a while to adjust to living with someone again. He was always out at pub and didn’t help round the house. I was tired and feeling under valued. We had a chat and life is more balanced.

however before we lived together we had sex most times we saw each other. He was really affectionate and kind. Effort was made on his part to go out and do things. felt very loved

When I moved in we stopped going out together. He did his own thing so I did my own thing. Chatting to him he said he would change but we live together so don’t need to date. Sex stopped. His excuse was he was tired, ill or stressed. Said wasn’t me just bad patch.

i was unhappy, but loved him but we got on really well - living like room mates. Now I have been given a potential date to move out he is all over me. No idea what the change is. We have gone from no sex in 4 months to having sex 3 times in 24hrs.

why sudden change in behaviour? I am now paranoid we are not suited to living together in the future and more sex is less pressure.

help me understand it process

OP posts:

Namechange666 · 10/02/2024 11:13

I don't understand it but it tells you one thing, don't move in together permanently!

OneLollipop · 10/02/2024 11:15

He was always out at pub and didn’t help round the house.

He didn't help round the house in his own house!? Not even a man who moved into a woman's house and expected her to carry on doing all of the housework (bad enough!), but more an attitude like he thought he'd moved in a full time maid to his own home??

Chatting to him he said he would change but we live together so don’t need to date.

This is him telling you exactly who he is. You need to listen to what he is saying, which is that if you let him live with you'll hell stop bothering again.

(He is wrong, of course. I've lived with my husband for over a decade and we still date. But this man doesn't want an equal, healthy relationship with a partner, does he?)

PossumintheHouse · 10/02/2024 11:19

Well it doesn’t take Sherlock to work out that it’s something to do with you moving to your own place. It sounds like not having his own space killed his sex drive (and made him a lazy arsehole to boot) and that he wants to keep a level of distance between you both. Wouldn’t wash with me, I’d see no future to it.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/02/2024 11:44

You're moving out so now he has to up his game, doesn't want you finding someone else. Now you know what living with him is like I can't imagine you'll ever do it again. Never live with a man who starts to take you for granted in no time

Winter2020 · 10/02/2024 13:46

I think you relied on him by living with him and he took you for granted.

Now you will be a single with your own glamorous new place he knows that if he us a selfish lazy partner you will probably have other options.

rwalker · 10/02/2024 13:55

I don’t think living together is for you
many people have a relationship and live separately
sorry but at 40 you like your own space and ways

80s · 10/02/2024 14:06

@OneLollipop That's what stood out to me, too ...
OP, sounds like when you moved in, you became his mum/the cleaner so he didn't find you as sexy.

You must have found his behaviour a total turn-off? Sounds like this temporary thing was a great way of sussing him out without making a commitment.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2024 14:06

"He was always out at pub and didn’t help round the house.

He didn't help round the housein his own house!?"

There's no mention of children so why would housework be such a thing. If you have no children I agree you should be down the pub and not doing housework all the time.

kkloo · 10/02/2024 17:48

Possibly just a long dry spell where he lost his libido and then his libido came back.
He said he was tired, ill and stressed, that can cause someone to lose their libido.

But of course the alternative is that he's one of those people who loses their libido when they live with someone.

Is he always at the pub generally? even when you didn't live together? Does he have any healthy hobbies?

Original poster

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 19:17

@OneLollipop and @80s i didn’t want to be a maid. I agreed to cooking as he can’t cook and I love cooking. But chores were supposed to be split. He says I have high standard of cleaning. I just like a clean house.

OP posts:

Original poster

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 19:18

@Gwenhwyfar we have no kids. I am not doing housework all the time. But weekly clean. Surely that’s common?

OP posts:

Original poster

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 19:20

@Winter2020 i didn’t relie on him. I could have afforded to rent, but he offered. Not planning on being single but it may be weird not living together. I think that will tell us if the relationship will work.

OP posts:

Original poster

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 19:22

@kkloo he did always go on a Friday night, football and maybe one night in the week. That’s not stopped just increased. He has no hobbies except computer games or football.

maybe he had a low sex drive. But if it disappears living together that’s not great for the long run

OP posts:

DeeLusional · 10/02/2024 19:22

He is love-bombing you to try to stop you moving as he obviously has perks from you living there. If you fall for it and stay, it will go right back to the same-old same-old.

Cocacolacarrie · 10/02/2024 19:25

Sounds like he is avoidant. It's like he wants a relationship without actually being in one IYSWIM.

Mt ex was like this. Our relationship was great the less time we actually spent together! Our relationship began to decline when we moved in together. But even then when we first moved in together, I worked shifts and so we didn't spend lots of time together. As time went on, my working hours changed and then I started WFH and he absolutely hated it! I don't actually think he enjoyed spending a lot of time with me TBH.

He is now in a new relationship. With someone who he basically never sees!

Original poster

topgirlalways · 10/02/2024 20:24

@DeeLusional I am moving out. I have bought an amazing house.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 16:45

"He is now in a new relationship. With someone who he basically never sees!"

I often wonder why some people seem to go from one long-distance relationship to another.

Cocacolacarrie · 11/02/2024 17:24

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 16:45

"He is now in a new relationship. With someone who he basically never sees!"

I often wonder why some people seem to go from one long-distance relationship to another.

It's not even long distance! They've moved in together! But they have opposing working patterns so never actually have much time off together. He was on his own on Christmas day after he saw the kids because she was working.

If it makes him happy then who am I to judge? Personally, I would sooner be alone.

OneLollipop · 11/02/2024 21:05

Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2024 14:06

"He was always out at pub and didn’t help round the house.

He didn't help round the housein his own house!?"

There's no mention of children so why would housework be such a thing. If you have no children I agree you should be down the pub and not doing housework all the time.

But the OP doesn't say she expects him to be always doing housework. Even without children in a house it will need the occasional vacuum, no? People eat food so dishes need to be washed? They wear clothes and thus need to do laundry? Dare I suggest the toilet might benefit from a clean every now and then, and someone might give the bath a scrub? I don't think the OP is asking for the moon on a stick. Presumably when he lived alone he did the above. Why should he get to make the OP do it all now?

Flip